Lies and fun times. Would a more poetic style suit me? Thousand words a day.

[hiljainen]

I keep catching myself updating in the morning, which is, to say the least, quite an unnatural time of the day even to be awake, let alone doing something remotely productive. The nighttime thought, seemingly brilliant and often bizarre, is what I would like to record, but by the time of dawn it's often faded and grand heurecas of the midnight feel

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Oi. Vagueness is _my_ job.

[worldsong]

Another point of view: we are what we become. Self might be nothing else but a bunch of different behaviours. I just fear I might be becoming such a joker I have always found hard to approach seriously and impossible to get out a not-cynical/sarcastic/comic opinion. I do need this annoyingly 'witty' side of myself, but balancing it with deep, intellectual guruism (if I would use smileys, there would be one) may get tricky. I don't know about being true to other people; all I care is I really enjoy complex and intimate conversations and sharing of thoughts.

You caught on there, so no worries about not actually answering anything. How do you answer a question that wasn't asked in the first place? Maybe I'm just talking. I know we used to play a game like this in the olden days. ("When I was young...!)

Anyway. I really, really disdain the joker I am. I'm sarcastic, cynical, and very often over-the-top in a manner that is very apparently deliberate. And it comes so naturally these days. Yes - the witty side is necessary to withstand life and maybe to soften some blows reality sometimes deals, but too much is too much.

I've no idea where the path goes, though. I also note that everyone has secrets. I don't want to share mine, because it makes me feel vulnerable. That I have masks is not strange, but it's strange that I seem to automatically choose a particular one with some people.

Still, with the Eridani, I'm happy. As long as people keep from dating each other, things are all right... any sort of other social perversions such as hugsies and whatnot are so natural in that circle. Perhaps there is a bit of competition and testosterone here and there, but boys will be boys. (= Idiots.)

Now, the weather for the Hilarian...

[hiljainen]

I decided to answer this yesterday, but since the modem hated me, it proved impractical. So:

Habit is a strong reinforcer. After you have shown certain part of yourself to some people long enough, changing the routine is unimaginably hard. I know for sure that were I to attend a class meeting with my 'mates' from junior high, I would fall back to an old, but still quite familiar behavioural pattern. (Now, I wonder why I'm not attending...)

I have no problems sharing most of my past, most of my private thoughts and whatnot. Secrets, however, I will likely never reveal.

"When I was young..." is a good line. "But now that I'm old and cynical..." is even better.