Searching for Gratitude
I'm still feeling super shitty about myself and shooting my mouth off and creating a big drama. I honestly don't know how I will resolve this.
Contemplating my fury at the doctors, it has been a crappy relationship, but I'm pretty sure that the PA did not deserve to be shredded by me. He actually did take some steps to come up with alternative treatments (I guess that was "the treatment plan" that Nurse Ratchett referred to in her shaming email.). Too bad it took them 9 months to come up with a treatment plan. At the same time, I do not believe that he explained this apparently very complicated procedure nor did be bother to think about how I might cope with pain levels for the 4-6 month waiting period for all this diagnosis to happen. It felt very much like he was foisting a trouble patient off somewhere else, which given their statement that they don't want to work with me, is probably a correct intuition.
As for me, I have undergone a tremendous amount of medical trauma in the last year, and I think that the pain and lack of respect and communication just triggered me into full bitch mode. I am aware that I am emotionally dysregulated and crazy right now. That feels good. I am proud. This is my brain on PTSD.
Last night I spent some time in the house and working with some of our 16-step materials. Then I decided that my fired up limbic system couldn't tolerate any TV, so I crawled in bed with a new CD, Beauty Behind the Madness, from the library and a library book, The becoming of the Driftless Rivers National Park : imagine a great national park. This is a gorgeous 280-page book. Stunning, really. I have taken a couple of photos of full-spread photos for here.
The text of the book was pretty much heartbreaking because this guy's dream will never become a reality. Ain't no new National Parks happening in the USA. It was heartbreaking for me, too, because I lived in the Driftless for 30 years and it truly is the land of my heart. I miss it so much it's palpable. I nearly cried looking at those photos.
I keep thinking I need to get back there and was on the web looking at real estate in the next county over, which is in the Driftless. Needless to say, a move feels totally overwhelming right now, but my reaction to that book tells me that I at least need to spend time in my beloved land. Perhaps after I get the garden planted, I can pack up the dog and go on a road trip.
Finally, I could not find a date of publication nor a publisher in the front material of the book. AND the flaps on the cover said that the author is a resident of the hard core loony bin in town. None of this makes any sense to me, because I know what goes into creating a book like that and it takes loads of talent and money. Very curious. Looking around the web today, the publisher is some foundation out of La Crosse, my old beloved town, and a second edition is out. Fascinating.
By the way, the CD was by a guy I have never heard of, The Weeknd, and I love it. How fun to find a new artist. His lyrics are kind of nasty (big surprise), but the musicianship was tremendous. I have a thing for soul/r&b/hip hop tenor crooners, and this guy is among the best.
And oh yeah, I heard back from the community acupuncture guy. He sent a super nice, informative email. I am going to make an appointment with him and see if he can help.
Looking forward to a little workshop from Madison's holistic vet this afternoon and then dinner with my person.