(no subject)
Hey Friends-
I have had an urge to write a series of posts musing on retirement and puppies. I am aware that about the only thing I write about here is Pluto, so feel free to ignore me.
I have mixed feelings about how vulnerable I want to make myself. I don’t appreciate the criticism and nitpicking that can be so endemic on social media. I have decided to write about my puppy because Pluto takes most of my time and energy. Writing about a puppy should be safe. Right? Puppy talk will be blended in with other thoughts.
It’s all a part of the wyrd.
I retired from the Job from Hell at the end of September. Exhausted, ill, burned out, depressed, I could barely function. Since leaving the place where I was constantly bullied, I have done a whole lot of nothing. I’m in a state of suspension. I feel like Inanna, who went to the Great Below and was systematically stripped of everything and hung on a meathook.
Gives new meaning to hanging out.
I have always been a hard worker and very productive, both in my “career” and personal life. Now I look back on all of that work and wonder what I was thinking. I think my constant work was a hustle for worthiness. And many of my volunteer experiences-organizing retreats and workshops and intensives, teaching at said events, planting and maintaining gardens, DJing ecstatic dances, writing articles, creating curriculum-whatever were the current hustles-ended in heartbreak. Should anybody suggest that I want to volunteer now that I’m retired, they may be punched. Just sayin’.
Now I feel completely spent and I have the time and the space to open up to all the feelings I had no time to experience while I was hustling. Memories and the emotions come and go. I “hold space” for feelings and memories. I have read articles about the profound mental and physical toll that bullying takes. No wonder I don’t get anything else done.
With this history, I now feel incredibly lazy. Because I don’t do much. I walk around and I take pictures.
Except for one thing: 5 weeks after I retired, I got a puppy. What a ride it has been! A phenomenal amount of hard work, a fair dose of grossness, an exercise in presence and patience, and a whole lot of sweet love.
I have had an urge to write a series of posts musing on retirement and puppies. I am aware that about the only thing I write about here is Pluto, so feel free to ignore me.
I have mixed feelings about how vulnerable I want to make myself. I don’t appreciate the criticism and nitpicking that can be so endemic on social media. I have decided to write about my puppy because Pluto takes most of my time and energy. Writing about a puppy should be safe. Right? Puppy talk will be blended in with other thoughts.
It’s all a part of the wyrd.
I retired from the Job from Hell at the end of September. Exhausted, ill, burned out, depressed, I could barely function. Since leaving the place where I was constantly bullied, I have done a whole lot of nothing. I’m in a state of suspension. I feel like Inanna, who went to the Great Below and was systematically stripped of everything and hung on a meathook.
Gives new meaning to hanging out.
I have always been a hard worker and very productive, both in my “career” and personal life. Now I look back on all of that work and wonder what I was thinking. I think my constant work was a hustle for worthiness. And many of my volunteer experiences-organizing retreats and workshops and intensives, teaching at said events, planting and maintaining gardens, DJing ecstatic dances, writing articles, creating curriculum-whatever were the current hustles-ended in heartbreak. Should anybody suggest that I want to volunteer now that I’m retired, they may be punched. Just sayin’.
Now I feel completely spent and I have the time and the space to open up to all the feelings I had no time to experience while I was hustling. Memories and the emotions come and go. I “hold space” for feelings and memories. I have read articles about the profound mental and physical toll that bullying takes. No wonder I don’t get anything else done.
With this history, I now feel incredibly lazy. Because I don’t do much. I walk around and I take pictures.
Except for one thing: 5 weeks after I retired, I got a puppy. What a ride it has been! A phenomenal amount of hard work, a fair dose of grossness, an exercise in presence and patience, and a whole lot of sweet love.