I've come out of a coma.
It's been roughly six months since I've updated this blog and approximately five months since I came out of my insanity, thinking that what I was doing was in my best interest and the person whom I was with shared that same concern. The last thing I left you with was how much I loved my boyfriend and how absolutely amazing he was. To put it simply, I broke up with him after I had found out that he had lied to be...a lot. It's a painfully long story.
We had sex a little after seven months came around. I regret it more than I regret anything I have ever done. It was once and going into it, I noticed he was very, very eager and I was feeling very, very terrified. And that's where it should have ended. I didn't comprehend it at the time. All I could think was how I'm 'showing him that I love him.' Very, very stupid of me. I'd give an arm to have my virginity back. Anyway, at the time I didn't realize, but he was obviously experienced. He wasn't the "practically virgin" that he had portrayed himself to be. Not at all. He was doing everything. I was just along for the ride. Details aren't important, but none of this clicked with me until everything was finally over.
I wrote in, what I thought was my private diary, what had happened. Details and everything. My mom found it while I was out one night. She read the whole thing. The funny thing is, I still wish she hadn't of found out, but without that happening, I would have been with him for even longer. I feel so humiliated and ashamed that I did it and she knows.
When I got home that night, after she had read my diary, she promptly sat me down, and told me I could never see my boyfriend, at the time, again. Of course I was devastated. I went crazy like I did so much for him and it seemed like my life was over.
But among my depression and chaotic sorrow, I thought I found a light at the end of a tunnel. I wanted to live with my dad. My mom wasn't going to allow me.. of course, until she listened to my phone conversation with my boyfriend on night. The conversation consisted of my saying horrible, horrible things about my family. Shortly after, she came in with tears running down her face and told me that she didn't want me living in the house anymore. And that I could live with my dad. I was getting my wish. She left and came back shortly telling me that prior to that happening, I had to get on birth control and I had to see a counselor. I was offended. I felt dirty. But at the same time, I was so relieved.
Days went by and I was a wreck. Even though I was getting what I wanted, I was ruining my life over this boy and my realtionship with my entire family was in shambles. I finally had a moment of clear thinking and I thought to myself, "I need to make a decision. If this boy isn't worth doing this for, then I'm not going to ruin my life." I had always had shallow suspicions that he had been lying to me about his sexual history. So I finally gathered all the bravery in me and asked his ex-girlfriend/ my friend if and how many times they had had sex. What she told me disgusted me. I wanted to throw up. Of course he hadn't been a virgin. He and his ex had shared a wonderful relationship chock full of sex. I called him right after I found out and I yelled at him. I was so mad. I told him I couldn't be with him anymore and he begged me to reconsider. He begged me and cried for another chance. He said, "I didn't think you were having sex with me because you thought I was a virgin." and "I thought you loved me blah blah blah." And OF COURSE, being the naive little girl I was, I caved in. I had enormous feelings for him and I told him that we'd work through it but for the time, we were broken up.
My mom called me shortly and told me I had a counselor appointment that day. I said I didn't need to go because I broke up with him. I could sense the relief in her voice but she said I was going anyway. The counselor was amazing. I was very mad when I got there. I was distraught and dazed, but he broke me and made me realize how unhealthy my decisions had been lately. Afterward, it was like my old self had come back and I apologized to my parents for everything that I had done and everything that I put them through.
We went to del taco right afterward and I talked to my mom more in that thirty minute period than I had for the last seven months.
I went home and quickly got ahold of him and told him that it was completely over. There was no chance of anything anymore. I talked to him for a while as a friend afterward, but once I gained back my full lucidity, I basically said that I wasn't going to be friends with a liar so I cut all ties with him, and I haven't spoken a word to him since. Of course, before I told him that, I got a little more information out of him. I found out that he had smoked while we were together and drank some. I wasn't really surprised, but that was just more reason to push him away from me.
Later, more people came to me telling me that he had "slept with all these girls" and screwed more than me and my friend pretty much. I felt pretty disgusting for months afterward, even now. I feel almost raped. I had had sex with this guy that I thought I knew, but he turned out to be someone completely different.
I have so much more to vent about, but that's about the story in a nut-shell.
How's that for a first boyfriend?