Need to write
It's very late, and I should be going to sleep, but I don't feel tired and I feel like I need to write some stuff down.
Today (that is, yesterday evening) I had a thanksgiving dinner of sorts at a friend's house. This one guy showed up late, and we started talking about collecting Transformers toys, and were getting along well. After that, our gracious host put on the latest episode of Avatar that he had TiVo'd and as usual I was blown away.
But this guy, the guy I'd been talking with about toy collecting, insulted the writing and called Avatar a crappy show and said that I don't watch any "good TV."
I lost my temper and kicked him in the shins.
My roomie (who was also there for dinner) made an excuse to leave. I was grateful for that. But since then, I've felt embarrassed and angry and most of all, afraid. Afraid of myself and the level I had stooped to. Angry at myself for the same reason. I couldn't believe that I had resorted to violence. I was trapped in an emotional corner and didn't know how to respond. Also, I'm angry that I think I lost a potential friend/ally. Why did I do that? Why did I get so personally attached to what someone thought of one of my favorite TV shows? Am I really that shallow?
I just...I don't know. I think sometimes that I'm just a stupid fan, that I'm incapable of being anything more than that. That I'm doomed forever to spend all my money on merchandise and toys and entertainment and not really do anything that will really BENEFIT me. I feel bad. I feel bad for not having a job that makes me at least five figures a year. I feel bad for spending all my money on toys, but I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to stop and I'm not sure if what's making me go on is real passion or if it's just an addiction. No one has told me that I should stop doing this. But part of me wants to stop and get focused on my own ideas. But I'm afraid that I can't. That I'm useless. That I'll never amount to anything. That I shouldn't even bother because it'll never get me anywhere.
Please....someone tell me that it's not true.
Today (that is, yesterday evening) I had a thanksgiving dinner of sorts at a friend's house. This one guy showed up late, and we started talking about collecting Transformers toys, and were getting along well. After that, our gracious host put on the latest episode of Avatar that he had TiVo'd and as usual I was blown away.
But this guy, the guy I'd been talking with about toy collecting, insulted the writing and called Avatar a crappy show and said that I don't watch any "good TV."
I lost my temper and kicked him in the shins.
My roomie (who was also there for dinner) made an excuse to leave. I was grateful for that. But since then, I've felt embarrassed and angry and most of all, afraid. Afraid of myself and the level I had stooped to. Angry at myself for the same reason. I couldn't believe that I had resorted to violence. I was trapped in an emotional corner and didn't know how to respond. Also, I'm angry that I think I lost a potential friend/ally. Why did I do that? Why did I get so personally attached to what someone thought of one of my favorite TV shows? Am I really that shallow?
I just...I don't know. I think sometimes that I'm just a stupid fan, that I'm incapable of being anything more than that. That I'm doomed forever to spend all my money on merchandise and toys and entertainment and not really do anything that will really BENEFIT me. I feel bad. I feel bad for not having a job that makes me at least five figures a year. I feel bad for spending all my money on toys, but I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to stop and I'm not sure if what's making me go on is real passion or if it's just an addiction. No one has told me that I should stop doing this. But part of me wants to stop and get focused on my own ideas. But I'm afraid that I can't. That I'm useless. That I'll never amount to anything. That I shouldn't even bother because it'll never get me anywhere.
Please....someone tell me that it's not true.