二十歳ですね・・・
Only 30 minutes in my teens. About 20 years ago around this time my mom started feeling I was coming. It took her a grand 8 hours, but there I was. Here I am.
Saying "bye" to 19 feels like saying bye to my damaged childhood, one that I have been trying to make up for the past 4 years. Maybe it's too soon to say I'm turning unto an adult, but age-wise... It's starting to look like it.
二十歳ですね・・・
I have done nothing significant this year. I messed up school again. Got into fights with my mom. Hated my life. Crawled out of a depression I have been trying to fight for almost 10 years now. It's pretty much the same thing I did when I was 18, only I was supposed to be a year wiser.
I lost my best friend this year but I learned I have better friends than that. I also felt pretty this year, kind of an accomplishment. It wasn't bad, it just could have been much better.
Will this year finally be mine? Will I finally found a place I belong? Will I be fine? Or just one of many screw ups?
I keep thinking about these things quite often lately. I feel so out of place sometimes. People I know, people my age, are going to college, reach for their dreams, they settle down in relationships and find love deeper than the kind I know.
I feel so silly, so small when I think of myself. I don't know what to do with my life, don't feel like being with someone other than the people I make in my head. It's kind of sad really, I should be longing for being together with someone yet I crave for people to understand I like being along, no one to take in account when taking a decision.
And maybe I'm just selfish. Maybe that's why I don't want to be in a relationship or go to school. Because it means it brings boundaries to my life, things that will settle my wild, childish mind down.
Will that happen after I turn 20? And if so... What will happen to the child in me, the teen that I won't be anymore after tomorrow?
I guess I'll just have to wait and see what the future brings me. I'll watch and wonder who will tame my wild mind. Whether it's a fellow human being or my age that grows by number.
I don't know, I really don't. For now I'll just enjoy tomorrow. I won't celebrate getting older this year, but I will keep a small goodbye party for the years I'm leaving behind.
Goodbye 19, you were like a dear friend. Just like the other 10's.
Hello 20... よろしくおねがいします。Please take good care of me, though I know I'm a handful.
- ヒカリ