(no subject)
Some days it's just not worth getting out of bed.
I've been kinda depressed the past couple days.
Ice-cream and candy have been my friends, which isn't exactly healthy, I know. I need to break that before it becomes a habit..
Dan left for boot-camp on the 16th or 17th, I can't quite remember. All the days seem to blur into another anymore.
I went up to see him, one last time before I wouldn't be able to see him until April. We left my house at about 6:00 am. The MEPS station is in Harrisburg. It's supposively about 2 hours away, on a really bad drive.Well, noon passes by, and I haven't seen him, I got a phone call asking where we were. After that phone call, I fell apart, because by then, I knew deep down, I wouldn't be able to see him at all. His father was being a bit of an ass (understatement). About 2 pm, passes and we turned around and went back home. I was cold, numb and crying, at least on the inside.
I've been doing everything I can to not think about how empty the house feels, how lonely the bed is, how ackward it is, when i come home, and he's not in front of his computer, or at the steps.
I couldn't sleep last night, to save my life. My mind kept racing, and doubt filled my heart, and my soul. Drowning in a pit of nothingness of black and space. What if he got hurt....? What if he doesn't come home....? What if he changes....? Then I have no one to blame but myself. You see, I'm the reason, he signed up. I made him....I forced him into a corner, and I hate myself for it. I hate the very essence of my being, for doing that. I hate my own soul, I hate everything about me, everything that makes me, me. Sometimes I just wanna escape, go somewhere, where no one knows who I am, and just run away from everything. Everyone would be better off. Dan would...at the very least. Which is all that matters.
Everything reminds me of him, there's so many memories....So many memories that I could drown in them. Hell, I could drown in my own self-loathing at this point. Some days are worse than others...I laid in bed last night, and looked out the window, and could have sworn I saw him...but it was my imagination playing tricks on me.
I went to a convience store, so I can drown my sorrows in ice-cream...his favorite flavor was there, I almost bought it out of habit...His favorite donuts were there (Boston Creme), I buy them for him after work sometimes, as a surprise, and to let him know that I was thinking of him...It just reminded me...that he's not there. The only reason I bought them was to see the look on his face when I came home and I had them...It makes me feel happy...but right now...
I've been kinda depressed the past couple days.
Ice-cream and candy have been my friends, which isn't exactly healthy, I know. I need to break that before it becomes a habit..
Dan left for boot-camp on the 16th or 17th, I can't quite remember. All the days seem to blur into another anymore.
I went up to see him, one last time before I wouldn't be able to see him until April. We left my house at about 6:00 am. The MEPS station is in Harrisburg. It's supposively about 2 hours away, on a really bad drive.Well, noon passes by, and I haven't seen him, I got a phone call asking where we were. After that phone call, I fell apart, because by then, I knew deep down, I wouldn't be able to see him at all. His father was being a bit of an ass (understatement). About 2 pm, passes and we turned around and went back home. I was cold, numb and crying, at least on the inside.
I've been doing everything I can to not think about how empty the house feels, how lonely the bed is, how ackward it is, when i come home, and he's not in front of his computer, or at the steps.
I couldn't sleep last night, to save my life. My mind kept racing, and doubt filled my heart, and my soul. Drowning in a pit of nothingness of black and space. What if he got hurt....? What if he doesn't come home....? What if he changes....? Then I have no one to blame but myself. You see, I'm the reason, he signed up. I made him....I forced him into a corner, and I hate myself for it. I hate the very essence of my being, for doing that. I hate my own soul, I hate everything about me, everything that makes me, me. Sometimes I just wanna escape, go somewhere, where no one knows who I am, and just run away from everything. Everyone would be better off. Dan would...at the very least. Which is all that matters.
Everything reminds me of him, there's so many memories....So many memories that I could drown in them. Hell, I could drown in my own self-loathing at this point. Some days are worse than others...I laid in bed last night, and looked out the window, and could have sworn I saw him...but it was my imagination playing tricks on me.
I went to a convience store, so I can drown my sorrows in ice-cream...his favorite flavor was there, I almost bought it out of habit...His favorite donuts were there (Boston Creme), I buy them for him after work sometimes, as a surprise, and to let him know that I was thinking of him...It just reminded me...that he's not there. The only reason I bought them was to see the look on his face when I came home and I had them...It makes me feel happy...but right now...