The Torrent of Thoughts At Midnight
This is it, then. Can we really endure this? Dragging the past out into the light only to be beaten savagely and then sending it back into the endless night? Is it worth it? I hardly know. And yet he hardly knows me at all. Do I know him just as little? The stab of a blade hurts only a fraction of what I feel when I think of it. He cares for me, but he has no idea of who I am and how I am. He cannot fathom that when I close my mouth and do not speak of something, I am only supressing it. This issue that I have so long held within me has surfaced from time to time. Every time that it goes back away, he thinks that it is gone for good. And when it comes up again, he gets more and more frustrated. But when I hide it, I'm eaten away from the inside. Peace with it? Hardly. It's killing me. Every time he kisses me, holds me close, I can't help but think that it's not me he truly loves. I feel so far below her and I haven't even met her! And I know that should we ever...should I ever give him what he really wants from me, it won't be me he's thinking of. No one remembers the table scraps. I cry because I can never be much to the one person I honestly want to spend the rest of my life with. He was the one person I thought who could love me unconditionally and who I could share everything with. But if he ever found out about my occupation...he would leave me. Worse, he would hate me. I haven't given him in love what I have given strangers in desperation. A piece of me dies every time I refuse him and he grows so angry, so frustrated. When I visited this past weekend he seemed more impatient than ever. I'm afraid that he will soon be fed up enough to turn to another. The thought makes me scream inside.
Peace? What is peace? I think I used to know it, back when I was too young to comprehend anything at all. I learned that the world was not made up of sunshine and daisies when I was five. I sold my virginity at the age of ten for electricity for the month and bread for a few weeks. Who am I to seek love? There are more practical things in life that should be sought after. Love does not keep one's stomach full. I was a fool to ever beleive that I could let my past be just that: the past. It is the present and the future as well. Forsaking everything to give my precious kin the life they deserve. Ring out the bells and tell everyone that another soul breaks tonight. But no one will care because that soul was unworthy of the daylight. At midnight I see what I truly am as I lay in the arms of a man who cares nothing for me but is providing my means of living in exchange for a few hours of pleasure. My chances at children are shot for sure now. No one can love me and there is too much damage to that area anyway. Oh well. I already have three mouths to feed. I couldn't really afford another.
I cannot fight anymore. My spirit is killed. I remain in body, but a shell. It's not worth struggling just to be kicked down and raped again.
Peace? What is peace? I think I used to know it, back when I was too young to comprehend anything at all. I learned that the world was not made up of sunshine and daisies when I was five. I sold my virginity at the age of ten for electricity for the month and bread for a few weeks. Who am I to seek love? There are more practical things in life that should be sought after. Love does not keep one's stomach full. I was a fool to ever beleive that I could let my past be just that: the past. It is the present and the future as well. Forsaking everything to give my precious kin the life they deserve. Ring out the bells and tell everyone that another soul breaks tonight. But no one will care because that soul was unworthy of the daylight. At midnight I see what I truly am as I lay in the arms of a man who cares nothing for me but is providing my means of living in exchange for a few hours of pleasure. My chances at children are shot for sure now. No one can love me and there is too much damage to that area anyway. Oh well. I already have three mouths to feed. I couldn't really afford another.
I cannot fight anymore. My spirit is killed. I remain in body, but a shell. It's not worth struggling just to be kicked down and raped again.