Personal caveats: I don't even remember atwhat Iijima looks like in canon, so you have a VERY fresh set of eyes here. *reads*
First thoughts: - the writing style is nice from the beginning; why are they watching television?? It doesn't quite fit the context. You do a good job of showing Iijima sort of frozen in place, deer/headlights-ish, and that's endearing.
But there's a trade-off for trying to get that awkwardness across. You're falling victim to something that happens to a lot writers. You're focusing so much on setting up the scene that you're not giving us any real emotion from either of them, and there's not a clear tone to set the mood for us.
Example: what should be a really deeply sensual, flowing moment, like The liquid flowed translucent and faintly amber in the low light, and they stirred it in. The surface of the water was beginning to look a little frothy, and the bubbles smelled faintly of some sweet unidentifiable fruit. Iijima watched Nase bend down, sniff at the bubbles, and smile. He checked the label surreptitiously, noting the name. -- is made choppy by too many instances of action--action--action and not enough of an emotional response coming from Iijima. I do get where she's coming from by saying the pace feels stilted. It's not because of any fault of characterization, though, because I think you're fine there; I think it's coming from not letting yourself experience point of view fully enough.
I'm not sure what possessed you to write farting jokes into your seduction scene, lol D: - uh, in general, *not* a good idea! D: - but if you must, then I liked the way Nase responded here - very graciously and with real humor.
"The honor is mine, all of it," Iijima managed.
Awww. I really like the way you write him, honestly. It's not without awkwardness, but his sincerity shows through, and especially the way you have Nase react is well-done, because it lets us respond to him through her, with gentleness and understanding.
Also, generally, your writing style is really nice, by which I mean there's a softness to your language that tempers the emotional restraint.
(I've totally exceeded the comment limit here so BRB)
why are they watching television?? It doesn't quite fit the context. Ah--it was a mood-builder. I guess it might have distracted from the fic, but I took my cue from seeing (IRL) LCD TVs set into the sides of tubs/jacuzzis. Noted as unessential, and I'll have to think twice about including irrelevant detail in the future!
The farting joke was actual experience, and I shall remember the responses both you and the previous commenter made (since both of you commented on it!)
Thank you SO MUCH for the compliments on Iijima and my writing--they were sorely needed after 24 hours (okay, a little more) of giving myself an ulcer after that concrit post. I hope to do better in the future!
It may be very obvious I am not a regular smut writer, and oops, have I outed myself yet?
You could have mentioned the irrelevant detail to set the setting. Tell us the kind of hot tub they're in, sure. The tv actually being on and casting a glue light over Nase - that's a whole different level of detail. It makes me wonder why they didn't turn the tv off. It's the kind of detail you have to make good use of, because it could have contributed well to the whole sense of awkwardness they both felt. Otherwise, it just sits there distracting us like a giant lip wart.
Personal caveats: I don't even remember atwhat Iijima looks like in canon, so you have a VERY fresh set of eyes here. *reads*
First thoughts:
- the writing style is nice from the beginning; why are they watching television?? It doesn't quite fit the context. You do a good job of showing Iijima sort of frozen in place, deer/headlights-ish, and that's endearing.
But there's a trade-off for trying to get that awkwardness across. You're falling victim to something that happens to a lot writers. You're focusing so much on setting up the scene that you're not giving us any real emotion from either of them, and there's not a clear tone to set the mood for us.
Example: what should be a really deeply sensual, flowing moment, like The liquid flowed translucent and faintly amber in the low light, and they stirred it in. The surface of the water was beginning to look a little frothy, and the bubbles smelled faintly of some sweet unidentifiable fruit. Iijima watched Nase bend down, sniff at the bubbles, and smile. He checked the label surreptitiously, noting the name. -- is made choppy by too many instances of action--action--action and not enough of an emotional response coming from Iijima. I do get where she's coming from by saying the pace feels stilted. It's not because of any fault of characterization, though, because I think you're fine there; I think it's coming from not letting yourself experience point of view fully enough.
I'm not sure what possessed you to write farting jokes into your seduction scene, lol D: - uh, in general, *not* a good idea! D: - but if you must, then I liked the way Nase responded here - very graciously and with real humor.
"The honor is mine, all of it," Iijima managed.
Awww. I really like the way you write him, honestly. It's not without awkwardness, but his sincerity shows through, and especially the way you have Nase react is well-done, because it lets us respond to him through her, with gentleness and understanding.
Also, generally, your writing style is really nice, by which I mean there's a softness to your language that tempers the emotional restraint.
(I've totally exceeded the comment limit here so BRB)
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Ah--it was a mood-builder. I guess it might have distracted from the fic, but I took my cue from seeing (IRL) LCD TVs set into the sides of tubs/jacuzzis. Noted as unessential, and I'll have to think twice about including irrelevant detail in the future!
The farting joke was actual experience, and I shall remember the responses both you and the previous commenter made (since both of you commented on it!)
Thank you SO MUCH for the compliments on Iijima and my writing--they were sorely needed after 24 hours (okay, a little more) of giving myself an ulcer after that concrit post. I hope to do better in the future!
It may be very obvious I am not a regular smut writer, and oops, have I outed myself yet?
[miura]
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