Staring Down Future Memories...
Nah. Just saying hi. This week has dragged so damned long. I wanted to say so many things but felt like the whole week was on some time warp where it was either too fast or too slow. I suppose I've had to come to grips with the possibility of having a future, and that kinda scared me a little. Not since high school have I really planned anything outside of a quarter at school. Now I have a goal. WHOA! Relax, its a good goal. I'm going to be a phyiscs major.
I am sure a lot of you out there who knew me for a while are saying "what took you so damned long?" The answer was ME. I've been lost for several years trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. In high school it was easy... just point your nose towards college and everything will be fine. I did very good in high school because I knew what I was working for. But when I got out of high school and started at Western, I did what it took to get by. That was always reflected in my gpa of 2-point-just-getting-by. This quarter that I just finished will be the first time since high school where I will have two Bs. A quarter of 3.0. Gosh, that brings back memories. I was the kind of kid who would compete with the other dorks in class to see who would get the honors of being the teacher's whiz kid (not teacher's pet... I frowned on them for just getting the love without the respect). I missed those days. I wanted to be the guy in the front of the class this year who would show that I have learned a lot of things since high school and that I am here to prove it. Not arrogance so much, but determination.
I think the trip up to Bellingham solidified that belief. I really was lost up there without any direction. Part if what landed myself in trouble was the fact that I was willing to be blown wherever the winds might take me. For those of you who might remember, I was going to join the military back in May of last year because I had no direction. Granted, I do love the military and its history, but in a day and age of perpetual war for the sake of a few bucks, its just not me right now. I may not have been killed in action, but I would have died from grief or hypocracy.
So anyways, short story long, I think I'm getting my shit together. It feels good to say that with a high degree of truth to it. I think that has boosted my confidence as of late, because it seems to be noticed by my friends at work. Oh, by the way, I'm getting the hell outta Wal-Mart. I have been a slave to the corporate meatgrinder for long enough... I'm moving on to a better... corporate meatgrinder. Yeah, I'm probably going to take up a job offer at Hollywood Video in Lake Forest Park. Even if it is less pay, it is still better for my sanity (not to say that I'm losing any...). My biggest regret out of doing this would be for me to leave my friends at work, in particular my boss Lynelle. She gave me cookies today for Christmas. I think it will be really tough for her if I up and leave. Not that she hasn't tried the same recently. Whatever.
It would probably be weird for Tresa also. I've been hanging out with her the last week or so, going to dinner and such, but there is still that awkward feeling of knowing what took place over the summer and what we have right now. Nothing. We are barely acquaintances now. Perhaps I should have let it go a long time ago, but then, I never had this problem with Cynthia. We always found time, and if we didn't, it would be unbearable until we did.
Damn. Its been over two years, but it has dragged on for eternity. I know now how some people feel when they say they are over someone but never really feel completely detached. If I think about it long enough, I could probably dredge up all the wonderful memories we shared, but it would serve no greater purpose. It would be better for all parties involved if they were buried for the rest of my life, because I will always wonder what could have been. I will wonder if she thinks about me as much as I do of her, and not just for what I have been labelled. I will wonder about her poor mother who was stricken with cancer, about how she is fairing as well as her family. Ha, I miss Tim. Cynthia's dad was very cool, and I missed talking with him.
To look back at what once was, and to see where you are now is difficult when it comes to a love-life. I've been single for 18 months (lets face it, Tresa and I, for all the things we did, were never really "together"). It is so difficult to imagine that I could be so involved with a person that I'd know everything about them, their family, their friends, everything... again. Having that torn down so fast was a real shock to the system. It still is, whether I care to show that in public or not. I don't know anymore what it takes to get to that point with someone. I feel like I'm suffering from dating amnsesia or something.
I frankly have no idea why the hell I'm saying all this stuff right now, especially how I know that I'm broadcasting this out there for all the world to see, as well as to someone I wished I knew as well as they will of me.
So much for looking forward and all. I seemed to be cursed with this blinding rearview mirror. Well, for what it is worth, I learn something from each new experience along the way. My only hope is that eventually, all this trial and error BS will stop turning up so many errors.
Oh yeah, Meg, call me. Or something. How many times will I get the chance to drive past Medford, right? Right.
I am sure a lot of you out there who knew me for a while are saying "what took you so damned long?" The answer was ME. I've been lost for several years trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. In high school it was easy... just point your nose towards college and everything will be fine. I did very good in high school because I knew what I was working for. But when I got out of high school and started at Western, I did what it took to get by. That was always reflected in my gpa of 2-point-just-getting-by. This quarter that I just finished will be the first time since high school where I will have two Bs. A quarter of 3.0. Gosh, that brings back memories. I was the kind of kid who would compete with the other dorks in class to see who would get the honors of being the teacher's whiz kid (not teacher's pet... I frowned on them for just getting the love without the respect). I missed those days. I wanted to be the guy in the front of the class this year who would show that I have learned a lot of things since high school and that I am here to prove it. Not arrogance so much, but determination.
I think the trip up to Bellingham solidified that belief. I really was lost up there without any direction. Part if what landed myself in trouble was the fact that I was willing to be blown wherever the winds might take me. For those of you who might remember, I was going to join the military back in May of last year because I had no direction. Granted, I do love the military and its history, but in a day and age of perpetual war for the sake of a few bucks, its just not me right now. I may not have been killed in action, but I would have died from grief or hypocracy.
So anyways, short story long, I think I'm getting my shit together. It feels good to say that with a high degree of truth to it. I think that has boosted my confidence as of late, because it seems to be noticed by my friends at work. Oh, by the way, I'm getting the hell outta Wal-Mart. I have been a slave to the corporate meatgrinder for long enough... I'm moving on to a better... corporate meatgrinder. Yeah, I'm probably going to take up a job offer at Hollywood Video in Lake Forest Park. Even if it is less pay, it is still better for my sanity (not to say that I'm losing any...). My biggest regret out of doing this would be for me to leave my friends at work, in particular my boss Lynelle. She gave me cookies today for Christmas. I think it will be really tough for her if I up and leave. Not that she hasn't tried the same recently. Whatever.
It would probably be weird for Tresa also. I've been hanging out with her the last week or so, going to dinner and such, but there is still that awkward feeling of knowing what took place over the summer and what we have right now. Nothing. We are barely acquaintances now. Perhaps I should have let it go a long time ago, but then, I never had this problem with Cynthia. We always found time, and if we didn't, it would be unbearable until we did.
Damn. Its been over two years, but it has dragged on for eternity. I know now how some people feel when they say they are over someone but never really feel completely detached. If I think about it long enough, I could probably dredge up all the wonderful memories we shared, but it would serve no greater purpose. It would be better for all parties involved if they were buried for the rest of my life, because I will always wonder what could have been. I will wonder if she thinks about me as much as I do of her, and not just for what I have been labelled. I will wonder about her poor mother who was stricken with cancer, about how she is fairing as well as her family. Ha, I miss Tim. Cynthia's dad was very cool, and I missed talking with him.
To look back at what once was, and to see where you are now is difficult when it comes to a love-life. I've been single for 18 months (lets face it, Tresa and I, for all the things we did, were never really "together"). It is so difficult to imagine that I could be so involved with a person that I'd know everything about them, their family, their friends, everything... again. Having that torn down so fast was a real shock to the system. It still is, whether I care to show that in public or not. I don't know anymore what it takes to get to that point with someone. I feel like I'm suffering from dating amnsesia or something.
I frankly have no idea why the hell I'm saying all this stuff right now, especially how I know that I'm broadcasting this out there for all the world to see, as well as to someone I wished I knew as well as they will of me.
So much for looking forward and all. I seemed to be cursed with this blinding rearview mirror. Well, for what it is worth, I learn something from each new experience along the way. My only hope is that eventually, all this trial and error BS will stop turning up so many errors.
Oh yeah, Meg, call me. Or something. How many times will I get the chance to drive past Medford, right? Right.