Tears.
How is it that I love this man so much that the simple fact that I don't know when I'll next see him or talk to him makes me cry? I thought I gave up loving him? He and his girlfriend have been together six months now. I have no chance, and yet I feel that the more months that go by the closer my chance comes. Do I really wish for them to break up? I know for a fact that I don't want either of them sad and they are happy together, and yet she doesn't act it. She always complains. He's not enough like my One. He does this, he does that. They fight and argue and yet I have said more times than not that the more arguments you have solved the closer friends-or lovers-you are. Yet, I hear her complain about him and I'm thinking, but that's what I WANT? I would never complain about that because that's exactly what I want, what I need. She's supposingly my best friend and yet she's driving a wedge between me and him that I love. Yes, I love him. I can't fool myself. I didn't lie before when I said that I had gotten over my crush on him. I had someone else to focus on, but that got flushed down the drain, leaving me realizing that I had never wanted it for HIM but simply for the sake of any boyfriend is better than none. Now my attention turns again to him and it will not turn away until I am satisfied or I find someone new. Seeing I doubt I will find someone else, there being no one else, I am stuck waiting, dreaming, again. What have I done wrong? Should I have stayed in school? But then I wouldn't have found him. I don't see him as my one. I don't see us getting married or having kids or anything like that. I just want a chance. One chance, and yet in his eyes there never was a chance, so perhaps there will never be one. I sit here, feeling tears drying my eyes, sinking deeper into my soul. I'm crying inside so no one can see me. My mind holds me strong to this state, but my heart cries. It knows it has power still. It knows, though it ended in tears, the last month or less was amazing. I will not return complete control to my mind because then if a chance does come along I might not be able to jump into it unquestioning.
To think, a comment as simple as "Oh Nora" could bring those tears from my soul to the corners of my eyes. "Oh Nora." What sad words. Am I nothing but a child now that needs attention every once in a while. Is that how I should treat her when finally she loses him and cries to speak to him? Is that what I should say to her when she longs for him that she can't have? I know now what I would do if I could control the world for one day, even if no memories remain and no changes are permanent. I would put her in my shoes. Let her feel what it's like to be me, the girl always on the sidelines. The girl that everyone turns to when they're in need, but when I turn around for help, no one's there. He used to be there, but now, I don't know. He's too busy being in love to notice when I'm down. When I need someone to be my stable one and I don't even understand why this is hitting me all of a sudden. Am I hormonal? Is this why I'm crying? I've known and written before about how it seems that whenever I need someone all those people that I've helped just disappear, but why is it hitting me right now? I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't understand, but I want to. I want to know what's wrong with me, why I'm like this. I feel distance gathering between Jemma and me, and honestly I've felt it gathering for a while. How long before I disappear completely in her mind? She said she didn't want to lose me, but now I'm starting to wonder if I even want her? What do we have in common any more? She's got a boyfriend and-no matter how much she tries to deny it-has forgotten what it's like to be single. Did she ever really know? She's actually had someone and not just Robert and Logan. She had Charlie and Dan. Who have I had? No one like that except maybe Anthony, but we were never anything more than friends and I regret that. I don't know what to do any more. I'm not suicidal any more, I'm not to that point because I know that people would care. Because I have Zack and Elliot and Ethan and Aly and Kathryn. But do I have Jemma and Robert? Would they mourn and forget or would they keep me alive? Wow, that sounds suicidal, but really I'm not.
We are going to Europe this Winter. While that should make me happy. While it should keep us together, I'm not going to keep us together, or am I? For the month that we are in Europe we will be the same. We will both be single. For a month she will understand exactly how I have felt my whole life, but will she understand? Will she put it together? Or will she merely complain about this or that. It's strange, I would never purposely break them up, but more because then I would be the enemy than because they would be sad. I wish with all my heart and scheming mind that they do break-up. That Jemma goes after Logan again leaving Robert broken hearted. While he might not necessarily choose me after Jemma I'll be there for him and we'll be even. Why shouldn't he chose me? We have so much more in common than him and Jemma or me and Jemma. I'm not looking for a long term relationship any way, just something to see where it goes. And yet, if he chose someone completely different. Gia, Alicia, Riva, I think I'd die. Not literally. I have something in mind for the future. I want a boyfriend, yes, but more I want children. I want boys to call my own and so, when I'm old enough I'm going to foster them. That way, even if I don't have a boyfriend or husband I can still make one dream come true. What gets me most is I don't understand how someone like Jemma could have as many boyfriends as she did and I am stuck with a big fat zero. A nobody. At least now I have my boys for the summer and that's only just begun. That should make my life wonderful this summer, boyfriend or no. Dammit, here come the last stage of cramps. I had better go watch a movie now, but I will be writing more later, I'm sure.
To think, a comment as simple as "Oh Nora" could bring those tears from my soul to the corners of my eyes. "Oh Nora." What sad words. Am I nothing but a child now that needs attention every once in a while. Is that how I should treat her when finally she loses him and cries to speak to him? Is that what I should say to her when she longs for him that she can't have? I know now what I would do if I could control the world for one day, even if no memories remain and no changes are permanent. I would put her in my shoes. Let her feel what it's like to be me, the girl always on the sidelines. The girl that everyone turns to when they're in need, but when I turn around for help, no one's there. He used to be there, but now, I don't know. He's too busy being in love to notice when I'm down. When I need someone to be my stable one and I don't even understand why this is hitting me all of a sudden. Am I hormonal? Is this why I'm crying? I've known and written before about how it seems that whenever I need someone all those people that I've helped just disappear, but why is it hitting me right now? I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't understand, but I want to. I want to know what's wrong with me, why I'm like this. I feel distance gathering between Jemma and me, and honestly I've felt it gathering for a while. How long before I disappear completely in her mind? She said she didn't want to lose me, but now I'm starting to wonder if I even want her? What do we have in common any more? She's got a boyfriend and-no matter how much she tries to deny it-has forgotten what it's like to be single. Did she ever really know? She's actually had someone and not just Robert and Logan. She had Charlie and Dan. Who have I had? No one like that except maybe Anthony, but we were never anything more than friends and I regret that. I don't know what to do any more. I'm not suicidal any more, I'm not to that point because I know that people would care. Because I have Zack and Elliot and Ethan and Aly and Kathryn. But do I have Jemma and Robert? Would they mourn and forget or would they keep me alive? Wow, that sounds suicidal, but really I'm not.
We are going to Europe this Winter. While that should make me happy. While it should keep us together, I'm not going to keep us together, or am I? For the month that we are in Europe we will be the same. We will both be single. For a month she will understand exactly how I have felt my whole life, but will she understand? Will she put it together? Or will she merely complain about this or that. It's strange, I would never purposely break them up, but more because then I would be the enemy than because they would be sad. I wish with all my heart and scheming mind that they do break-up. That Jemma goes after Logan again leaving Robert broken hearted. While he might not necessarily choose me after Jemma I'll be there for him and we'll be even. Why shouldn't he chose me? We have so much more in common than him and Jemma or me and Jemma. I'm not looking for a long term relationship any way, just something to see where it goes. And yet, if he chose someone completely different. Gia, Alicia, Riva, I think I'd die. Not literally. I have something in mind for the future. I want a boyfriend, yes, but more I want children. I want boys to call my own and so, when I'm old enough I'm going to foster them. That way, even if I don't have a boyfriend or husband I can still make one dream come true. What gets me most is I don't understand how someone like Jemma could have as many boyfriends as she did and I am stuck with a big fat zero. A nobody. At least now I have my boys for the summer and that's only just begun. That should make my life wonderful this summer, boyfriend or no. Dammit, here come the last stage of cramps. I had better go watch a movie now, but I will be writing more later, I'm sure.