the fear
okay i know i have been posting some, shall we say, dark posts recently. things arent really that bad, i just seem to only post when im in a down mood, and this is no exception.
you know what like, real fear is? its not something that makes you scream, its not something that repulses you, that you cant face. real fear is something that follows you through night and day, good and bad, and though you know how stupid it is, its always there. i have a real fear. as im sure everyone does. every one of you has a feeling rising in your heart right now, thats the fear. your seeing flashbacks, or maybe just a feeling you cant place, but you feel it because i know, if your human, my words will hit home with you.
Here is a story, here is my fear.
well, the night she....(she didnt die, im not using different terms, it was a drawn out death shall we say and obviously she means my sister, if you dont know the story you probably shouldnt be reading this) went to the hospital, so the last night she was concious. she went to bed, it wasnt anything bad, she went to bed. and i never said goodnight, i never told her i loved her, i didnt think it mattered. and i never got to tell her again. im not afraid of the night for myself, im afraid of it for those i love. if you dont say those protecting words, simple but powerful words the night takes away everything you care about. i wrote before once, that i feel i am a warrior, i fight everyday for those i love. i would accept my death for one of my loved ones protection. but nothing makes a warrior (even a self-proclaimed one) pain more than to be unable to protect those he loves. my weapon is love. i protect my loved ones with my heart. but tonight.... i didnt get to tell jill goodnight, or that i love her. i know she probably was just asleep when i called. or her parents were talking to her. and dont for a second think this is jills fault because its not. i just have this fear. it defies logic, and it seems nothing i do will displace it, but i have to some day. i must get rid of it. and when i see the opportunity, i will be rid of it forever.
you know what like, real fear is? its not something that makes you scream, its not something that repulses you, that you cant face. real fear is something that follows you through night and day, good and bad, and though you know how stupid it is, its always there. i have a real fear. as im sure everyone does. every one of you has a feeling rising in your heart right now, thats the fear. your seeing flashbacks, or maybe just a feeling you cant place, but you feel it because i know, if your human, my words will hit home with you.
Here is a story, here is my fear.
well, the night she....(she didnt die, im not using different terms, it was a drawn out death shall we say and obviously she means my sister, if you dont know the story you probably shouldnt be reading this) went to the hospital, so the last night she was concious. she went to bed, it wasnt anything bad, she went to bed. and i never said goodnight, i never told her i loved her, i didnt think it mattered. and i never got to tell her again. im not afraid of the night for myself, im afraid of it for those i love. if you dont say those protecting words, simple but powerful words the night takes away everything you care about. i wrote before once, that i feel i am a warrior, i fight everyday for those i love. i would accept my death for one of my loved ones protection. but nothing makes a warrior (even a self-proclaimed one) pain more than to be unable to protect those he loves. my weapon is love. i protect my loved ones with my heart. but tonight.... i didnt get to tell jill goodnight, or that i love her. i know she probably was just asleep when i called. or her parents were talking to her. and dont for a second think this is jills fault because its not. i just have this fear. it defies logic, and it seems nothing i do will displace it, but i have to some day. i must get rid of it. and when i see the opportunity, i will be rid of it forever.