Trying
"Please love me, I'm trying so hard"
"Yes, you are very trying"
And so went the conversation, her defenses were so high and hard that the moment I became vulnerable she was not becoming vulnerable in kind, she was just in for the kill.
I've used that response "you are very trying" so many times since that day nearly 20 years ago like it became a tape in my head just waiting for someone to push play. Some times I use it on myself, some times on others, but the lesson here was that vulnerability is not ok and I need to be ok.
But, when you can't be vulnerable you try to control, this is how "rules" in your relatioinship happen. Instead of saying "I love you and trust you not to hurt me" you say "You hurt me. I'm sure you did it on purpose because you don't value me, but I can't stand to be without you so here is a rule to keep you from hurting me that way again." This never works, and yet, time and time I've tried to do it. On a mechanical level, there are always ways to bend rules, get around them, or interpret them differently, but that is not really the problem. The problem is that the rule is a guard, it's a wall, it's a defense, and not all defenses are passive. The more defenses you have the more likely you are to go into the kill the moment the other person drops theirs.
So, here I am, 20 years of trying. 20 years of doing my best to hold my world together for the sake of everyone around me feeling like no-one else was trying to help me hold it together. 20 years of exhaustion. I'm ready to let go.
What an ass hole I've been, to my wife, to my kid, to my co-workers, to random people at the bar because I was so mad and so hurt and so alone and taking it out on everyone else there by driving them away and making me more hurt and alone causing me to lash out more in this unending cycle. Time to break the cycle. Time to accept alone if alone is my fate, time to recognize walls and defenses when they happen and say "not this time wall"
My brother says that when he and I look back on the same moments in our childhood we see different things, I remember all the bad stuff that happend in that event and he remembers all the good. My defenses tell me that he remembers the good because I worked hard to shelter him from the bad, but that is trying to be controling and take ownership of another's life. No, the truth is that I've been hurting a long time and I draw on those memories to feed the hurt and no-one can undo that but me, and I can only do it through practice. So i'll practice, I may not be perfect but I'll practice...
Practice #1: Stop sharing negative memes, in life and facebook. They reinforce it all.
Practice #2: seek positive in everything even when all you can see is negative
Practice #3: stop sharing the negative with people, they don't want hear your self doubts, they don't want to hear your anger, your pain, you sadness. Yes, they want to support you, and they wish you didn't have those things and they feel helpless to change what is happening in your head, so the only thing they can do to make themselves feel better about the fact that you hurt is to throw platitudes or try to empathize, but there in lies the problem. Why should they need to do something to make themselves feel better about a problem you handed them? Sharing the negative thoughts with others is a thought crime of it's own.
Practice #4: You have no value as a person, good or bad, we all exist and then we don't, but dwelling on the value of our existence doesn't matter, it doesn't help, it just makes our existence less plesant. Examples of this are things like "I'm unlovable".... sure, I'll think these things from time to time, but speaking them allowed gives them power, and even having the thought is not the issue, it's holding it, it's feeding it, it's keeping the thought warm at night that is the problem.
Practice #5: Try to get the most out of what is in front of you. This sounds like a platitude in and of itself but really, I could stare at facebook while my computer is up and hit space bar over and over hoping to read something that lets me distract my mind, or instead I can use my computer to write stories and thoughts, I can use it build apps and games that other people might enjoy, I can use it to read articles that make me better understand the world or myself. tap tap on the space bar is nothing, it's a distraction, it's ignoring the world.
Today I get my camper top for the truck. Eventually, I'll pack the things I care about in there and ride off into the sunset, but the thing about riding off into the sunset is that eventually the sun comes back up and you are still there, you still exist and need to move forward. So, my time needs to be time of moving forward.
Mean while, I've stopped trying to fix things with my wife, she is done, I need to accept that, but if she will accept my affections before I go then I'll give her as much as she will take. I want to spend this last bit of time with her being the loving, affectionate man I always wanted to be, not hiding behind walls, not afraid to be vulnerable and not having the words "you are very trying" ring in my head. I want that when I look back on my last days with her that I feel like I was emotionally available in those days, I can't fix the days before, but I can make these the best I have.
I Love her, I've Loved her since the day I met her, but I've always been scared, I've hidden behind my own mental couch crying when all I wanted to do was call out and say "I love you, I trust you, I'm here"
I'm sad that my behaviors have drained her love away but blaming her or me doesn't help, I can just do what I can now, and move forward from there.
Today I am trying, tomorrow I am trying, and the next day I am trying. Some times trying doesn't mean succeeding but it's still trying, and the goal is to not be trying.