I wish I was a believer
So on the radio this morning there was a song that talked about "Heaven" and it sent me thinking a lot about my belief systems or lack there of.
For example, the concept of Heaven just does not compute for me. If there is some great white haired man in the sky who is picking and choosing who goes to heaven (not by if they are good people or not but by if they worship him) and those people will be happy forever, well, how can that work? How can you be a good person who loves another person and be happy forever when that other person is burning in torment? The only answer is that you have been fundamentally changed to not be someone who cares anymore, and so, are you you? are you really happy? No, Heaven, doesn't make any logical sense to me....
And yet, one of the most powerful lines in any song anywhere for me is in the song "Walking in Memphis" when she says to him "Tell me are you a Christian child" and he says back "Ma'am, I am tonight"... I so get that, because I really want to believe in something greater that myself, be it god, Jesus, Mohamed, or The Great Spaghetti Monster... but my wish to believe is some times (for very short times) greater than my logic. This like NRE (new relationship energy) always passes and leaves me disappointed in the long run.
Sure, sometimes I look like I'm a believer when you are throwing your runes, or tarot cards or talking about spirits because it would be so much easier if those simple answers were really it... tell me you talk to spirits and most of the time I will smile and nod but to me it is no different than telling me that you believe in Santa Clause, I'm glad it makes you happy but doesn't work for me anymore.
Now, I'm not exactly an atheist either. I believe in E=MC^2. Which means all mass is energy in a solid state. Which means the entire universe is energy, and my own self awareness makes me know that energy can come together in an aware state so why would the larger body of the universe not have the ability to be self aware?
Also, in that, actions are embodiments of energy, which of course would have ripple effects if all the universe and all matter is energy. This is why Karma is easy for me to accept, it's just physics.
OK, I know your moment of argument here is going to be that if I say that we are all energy then that means ghost should exist and you should be able to talk to them... That would be a fine argument except the nature of energy and the universe is to move towards entropy and again I just can't see how if self aware energy could exist without taking form of mass why we would ever need to take mass in the first place. This ordering of energy to mass has to have a reason, not to mention that energy can not be created or destroyed, so after a while, if the energy that is me were not recycled into the universe then there would be a lot of uses out there doing nothing and the universe would stagnate.
I listen to music which touches my soul because these people really believe these things and I wish I could, I just can't bring myself to do it.
This leaves me agnosticly lost... Some times I wonder how that state impacts other parts of my life, but I'm just to close to tell for sure.
For example, the concept of Heaven just does not compute for me. If there is some great white haired man in the sky who is picking and choosing who goes to heaven (not by if they are good people or not but by if they worship him) and those people will be happy forever, well, how can that work? How can you be a good person who loves another person and be happy forever when that other person is burning in torment? The only answer is that you have been fundamentally changed to not be someone who cares anymore, and so, are you you? are you really happy? No, Heaven, doesn't make any logical sense to me....
And yet, one of the most powerful lines in any song anywhere for me is in the song "Walking in Memphis" when she says to him "Tell me are you a Christian child" and he says back "Ma'am, I am tonight"... I so get that, because I really want to believe in something greater that myself, be it god, Jesus, Mohamed, or The Great Spaghetti Monster... but my wish to believe is some times (for very short times) greater than my logic. This like NRE (new relationship energy) always passes and leaves me disappointed in the long run.
Sure, sometimes I look like I'm a believer when you are throwing your runes, or tarot cards or talking about spirits because it would be so much easier if those simple answers were really it... tell me you talk to spirits and most of the time I will smile and nod but to me it is no different than telling me that you believe in Santa Clause, I'm glad it makes you happy but doesn't work for me anymore.
Now, I'm not exactly an atheist either. I believe in E=MC^2. Which means all mass is energy in a solid state. Which means the entire universe is energy, and my own self awareness makes me know that energy can come together in an aware state so why would the larger body of the universe not have the ability to be self aware?
Also, in that, actions are embodiments of energy, which of course would have ripple effects if all the universe and all matter is energy. This is why Karma is easy for me to accept, it's just physics.
OK, I know your moment of argument here is going to be that if I say that we are all energy then that means ghost should exist and you should be able to talk to them... That would be a fine argument except the nature of energy and the universe is to move towards entropy and again I just can't see how if self aware energy could exist without taking form of mass why we would ever need to take mass in the first place. This ordering of energy to mass has to have a reason, not to mention that energy can not be created or destroyed, so after a while, if the energy that is me were not recycled into the universe then there would be a lot of uses out there doing nothing and the universe would stagnate.
I listen to music which touches my soul because these people really believe these things and I wish I could, I just can't bring myself to do it.
This leaves me agnosticly lost... Some times I wonder how that state impacts other parts of my life, but I'm just to close to tell for sure.