(no subject)
I had it all planned out in my head what kind of entry i was gonna make when I got home tonight.
but I just can't.
so I'm just gonna type how I"m feeling and you can read it if you want to but all it will be is just emotional blathering about my boyfriend and I know how a lot of you hate boyfriend talk so if you don't wanna read anything I have to say, skip this entry now.
okay, if any of you are still with me, I apologize for how scattered and disorganized this is going to be. The other night, robert and I were cuddling and we were pillowtalking and I mentioned that we should write Eisley a big thank you letter. because if it wasn't for Eisley we'd never have met each other. Then the thanking eisley got back to thanking the respective bands that introduced us to eisley. Which for me would be Brand New, but then I thought "wait a second, what about the person that introduced me to brand new, that kid on livejournal who disappeared!" so we decided to thank livejournal for existing, which meant we had to thank Brad. Well thats where I stopped. I don't feel like thanking bradfitz for anything. So I decided I'm just going to thank God. thank you God for this wonderful amazing person you have brought into my life. He has given me everything I need, and I'm not talking about material things. When I'm with him, I'm confident, I'm self-assured, I'm secure, I feel safe, I feel the way I always thought I should feel about life and love. And above all else, I'm happy, in a way that I've never felt before. I feel complete, like I've found the other half of my soul. I feel like I deserve every ounce of it, And it has to go and be half a world away. Today, even at the airport. Just being with him made me so happy. despite the clock taking away our last minutes together. While I was walking through security, I had these images in my head of me dropping everything and running after him. But still I walked through the metal detectors and continued on my way despite how i felt every step tying my internal organs into knots. I sat as far away from the rest of the crowd as I could get. I played with my ipod for awhile trying to distract myself. but naturally ihad to turn it over and read the back of it. I finally got on the plane, sat in the dark in my window seat, no one beside me but someone in the aisle seat. We were in the air, the movie was playing, but my ipod made the brilliant decision to play "Stay" by Michelle Featherstone. I just about lost my mind.
"if I was sincere, whispered all my fears, would you still be here? would you stay? would you stay here with me?"
I turned my head to the side and choked back tears. Of course I didn't do the smart thing, which would have been to skip songs until I find something that won't make me depressed, but naturally the songlist after that was as follows
-New Slang
-Red Right Ankle
-Transatlanticism
-We Looked Like Giants
-Brightly Wound
Jesus, I am not making this up. I found it almost unbearable. I still kept choking back the tears, not wanting to draw any attention to myself. I waited for hours and hours until i could finally have the chance to be alone and cry my eyes out. I finally got home, dumped all my stuff in my room, went to have a shower, but ended up sitting down in the tub sobbing my eyes out. I'll be alright. I know I will. Today was just an emotional day and I miss robert so much. I have to take sleeping pills tonight otherwise I -know- i won't be able to sleep, because he's not there beside me.
Okay. emotional dump over. I'll be okay. I promise.
but I just can't.
so I'm just gonna type how I"m feeling and you can read it if you want to but all it will be is just emotional blathering about my boyfriend and I know how a lot of you hate boyfriend talk so if you don't wanna read anything I have to say, skip this entry now.
okay, if any of you are still with me, I apologize for how scattered and disorganized this is going to be. The other night, robert and I were cuddling and we were pillowtalking and I mentioned that we should write Eisley a big thank you letter. because if it wasn't for Eisley we'd never have met each other. Then the thanking eisley got back to thanking the respective bands that introduced us to eisley. Which for me would be Brand New, but then I thought "wait a second, what about the person that introduced me to brand new, that kid on livejournal who disappeared!" so we decided to thank livejournal for existing, which meant we had to thank Brad. Well thats where I stopped. I don't feel like thanking bradfitz for anything. So I decided I'm just going to thank God. thank you God for this wonderful amazing person you have brought into my life. He has given me everything I need, and I'm not talking about material things. When I'm with him, I'm confident, I'm self-assured, I'm secure, I feel safe, I feel the way I always thought I should feel about life and love. And above all else, I'm happy, in a way that I've never felt before. I feel complete, like I've found the other half of my soul. I feel like I deserve every ounce of it, And it has to go and be half a world away. Today, even at the airport. Just being with him made me so happy. despite the clock taking away our last minutes together. While I was walking through security, I had these images in my head of me dropping everything and running after him. But still I walked through the metal detectors and continued on my way despite how i felt every step tying my internal organs into knots. I sat as far away from the rest of the crowd as I could get. I played with my ipod for awhile trying to distract myself. but naturally ihad to turn it over and read the back of it. I finally got on the plane, sat in the dark in my window seat, no one beside me but someone in the aisle seat. We were in the air, the movie was playing, but my ipod made the brilliant decision to play "Stay" by Michelle Featherstone. I just about lost my mind.
"if I was sincere, whispered all my fears, would you still be here? would you stay? would you stay here with me?"
I turned my head to the side and choked back tears. Of course I didn't do the smart thing, which would have been to skip songs until I find something that won't make me depressed, but naturally the songlist after that was as follows
-New Slang
-Red Right Ankle
-Transatlanticism
-We Looked Like Giants
-Brightly Wound
Jesus, I am not making this up. I found it almost unbearable. I still kept choking back the tears, not wanting to draw any attention to myself. I waited for hours and hours until i could finally have the chance to be alone and cry my eyes out. I finally got home, dumped all my stuff in my room, went to have a shower, but ended up sitting down in the tub sobbing my eyes out. I'll be alright. I know I will. Today was just an emotional day and I miss robert so much. I have to take sleeping pills tonight otherwise I -know- i won't be able to sleep, because he's not there beside me.
Okay. emotional dump over. I'll be okay. I promise.