shunned....
My family is basically shunning me today and probably for the next couple of days. My mom "caught" me and justin, I should say. Not a very good way to earn my Mom's trust. So of course with my mood comes the weather. It's all dark & grey outside. it's not supposed to rain except for tommorow. so kind of like the weather is my mood. My buddy sara called and wanted to see if i wanted to go to the little flower festival with her today but my mom decided, making sure that my day is ruined, that she has to do shop paper work for our pawn shop and also set up the brand new pool that we couldnt afford today. so yea.. everything's just peachy. It was kinda scary last night cuz my mom just told me to go to bed cuz she didn't want to hit me. so i did.. but then all those emotions and things and temptations flooded my mind, ya kno? like the pot, the cutting, the alcohol... it all came back. all i wanted to do was "peeve" my mom off more. but in my head i knew that God was right there beside me. I knew that he was bummed at me and that of course he was disappointed, but he would never shun me. he's still there for me to talk to and to just express my thoughts to. and i just ended falling asleep that night, sober and uncut. i started writing a letter to amanda. basically telling her my feelings about how i'm worried about her and how i know she really needs God in her life. the letter's only half done right now since i had to come upstairs and take care of "my children" (it seems that way sometimes). i basically had just got done telling her that i was sorry for the way i acted around her... like we would get stoned and i would try to tell her about God and stuff. i mean come on! that's how stupid i was. i knowa person who can identify. and we both understand and just feel so awful for the repuation we brought upon some christian people, you kno? it's hard. i was shaking the whole time, almost having a panic attack, but i knew that it's what God needed me to tell her for her sake. and also for my sake. well i got to go. the babies are getting a lil rowdy. bye journal.