It's like going to the movies (and other unclear insights that plague me)

[highlydubious]

• ... except it doesn't seem to end, and you are tied to the chair with your eyes wide open.


• It's the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde side of life. Where there is hope there is bound to be despair at its ugliest form. A despair that seems to say "let it go and be happy about it. If you go for it, you'll only end up worse". It's leering and jeering at me, sticking its tongue out and goes "this isn't what you want. This won't solve anything".


• I've been thinking a lot about Plato's Allegory of the Cave, and in my darker times, I am that prisoner, enveloped in the darkness, seeing only that wall and those shades. Not physically shackled, but stay in the same position out of habit and probably the fear of facing anything new.


• I can't turn it off. The fear doesn't turn it off as it probably ought to. The louder the jeers are, the more crippling the fear is - the craving just increases, the hope, my way out, seems to shine brighter and more clearly.


• And I can't make it go away. It's like going to the movies... (you can fill in the rest). It is hopeless yet it is the only hope. If only it'll fade away and allow me to seek for other exits, other solutions - that would be great, but it's a persistent bugger, it is. It won't go away, it doesn't move an inch, just watching me, sneering, fleering.


• It is growing, and growing fast to a full-blown obsession. Fantasies, day-dreaming, alternate realities scenarios -- the whole package. It's like that annoying tune that got into your mind and doesn't want to get out, and the more it annoys you, the more you want it out - the more it plays in your head, driving you crazy.


• And it is not doable. One might say - just do it and get it over with. That would be a good advice, but it's simply impossible. Not the "It's impossible to talk to that guy" kind, but the "It's impossible to go back in time" one.


• Sleep, as I discovered long ago, is almost the only refuge. It still haunts me there too, but this time it can take the shape of a 6-headed dragon, each head in a different color, speaking a different language and tries to kill me in a different way.


• Serenity now.