190 you say life is a dream where we can't say what we mean
I really wish I could make more sense of what I'm doing all the time, the real purpose behind the things I do every day and whether I really care for it. I hate to be motivated by fear which is why I hate life so much right now, but really, I don't have much of a choice. I don't even know anymore what this means for me, and whether it's worth it. I really wish I could be like Winston at the end of 1984, lovingly all this unconditionally, but this is not what I am built for and I am sorry to disappoint. It's enough that I am conforming.
It is maybe a bit too much that I've lost my way.