Steady breakin' me on down.....
Are you KIDDING me? Seriously....wtf. I dont care who reads this.....I'm so angry right now I could scream.
Last night Dan and his friend Travis came to MD to look at cars to buy (for Travis)....then they were going to go to their friend's house (in ROCKVILLE....which is where I live....they live about 8 min from me).
Katie was over, and I told Dan that we would meet up for a drink in Rockville- considering I never get to see Dan....and havent seen him in a week. He says ok....and Katie and I are leaving the house for the bar/restaurant- and he calls and says he cant meet me. I was pretty upset, because the bar I was going to is literally 3 MILES from his friend's house. Dan said that his friend didn't want to go. Seriously, though......the place where katie and I were- is RIGHT next to where the highway starts. So it's NOT out of the way- at all. It is ON the way home, actually. They actually would PASS the place we were to get home. He couldnt even stop in just to say hi? Dan lives at least an hour away from me- I see him once a week- and he's moving to another state in less than a month. They are in my state- IN MY TOWN- and he can't get his friend to go 1 mile out of his way just to say hi? Neither of them had to work today....so its not like they were worried about being out late.
And if it is true- that his friend wouldn't stop for 5 min on the way home so that my boyfriend could say hi to me- and meet my good friend for the first time.....well, that's shitty too. Lets just say that Katie's first impression of Dan wasn't too fabulous. Katie says that any good friend wouldn't mind stopping for 5 freakin' minutes so that that person could say hello to their significant other that was EXPECTING them to be there.....and waiting. does that make sense? I know- I'm rambling. My thoughts are all so jumbled right now.
So, I tell him we need to talk, because I was clearly VERY upset about the situation. He tells me that he's going to bed because he doesn't want to deal with anything right now. NO WAY. That's now how I roll....I don't leave situations like this unsettled. I know that he didn't want to talk about it, and I didn't want to force him to do something he didnt want to do....but I wouldn't have been able to sleep last night not knowing where we stood.
I tell him why I'm upset and he says "Well, I was going to see you tomorrow anyway...why did I have to come see you tonight?". OOOOOOOOH MAN. That set me off. I'm his girlfriend- i didnt know that we couldnt see each other 2 nights in a row? That hurt me so much....does he not care at all? When I'm with someone, as we all know, I want to be with them every second of every day. I feel so worthless. So I tell him that if he's going to be like this, then I don't want to go to Baltimore....hoping that maybe he would say he was sorry for being a dick- and that he would say something like, "I've been looking forward to spending time with you all week, I'd really like to still go with you. I promise things will get better tomorrow, I just need to clear my head". Then he tells me he's upset because when his friend dropped him back off at his car, someone had hit it. I told him I was sorry and that I felt bad because he definitely didn't need that right now.
However, this didn't settle things enough for me...and I don't know why.
So I call him back a few minutes later and he tells me that he cancelled the hotel room.
We were supposed to meet our friends Nikki and Nick tonight- and stay the night together in Baltimore.
I guess that was the icing on the cake for me....obviously I'm not worth salvaging. He didn't even try to make things better....I took the first step by calling him...TWICE...to try and rectify things- by telling him why I was upset and how much my feelings were hurt tonight. There's not much else I can do.
Is it selfish of me to say -I just wish that he would put up a fight for me? When I'm upset- instead of being a huge asshole- to just say something nice? To at least TRY and make things better? Obviously I'm not worth it.
I feel like everything I have is slowly slipping away. Maizy has been hurt since October....I rarely am allowed to take her out of her stall and handle her. I basically get to sit with her in her stall and stare at her and groom her. I cry every day I go out to the barn. I wish I knew why she was hurting- and what I could do to make her better. I feel so empty right now- without her being well. I don't even know how to explain it. She's my world- and I don't even get to enjoy my time with her right now....she's in pain and neither of us can do anything about it. Bailey is for sale.....so that maybe I can buy another horse that is ready for high level competition. I have people asking me all the time- how is maizy doing? why haven't you been showing? Are you showing in florida again for the winter? I have to keep making excuses for us.....Allie and I have discussed everything- and we feel it is best that everyone not know about Maizy's whereabouts and what is going on with her. That's how rumors get started.
Can't something just go right for once? Can't I just find someone that feels about me the way I feel about Maizy? Unconditional love...no matter what.
I'm leaving this entry public...because I just don't care what anyone thinks anymore. You need to know how I feel- since you won't listen to me when I talk to you about how I'm feeling. I tell you over and over again, but it doesn't seem to process in your brain.
I hope you find someone that understands you more than I do. Maybe I'm too hard headed, too sensitive, too selfish, too self conscious......maybe our personalities clash. I am a strong believer in the fact that- I can't change someone. Someone has to change themselves- because they want to. Because they want to see a difference. No matter how hard I try- I don't think I can get you to understand me- and in turn, I can't ever begin to understand you. You keep all of your feelings bottled up inside.
I'm sorry things ended the way they did. I cared about you so much. I wasn't scared of the future. I planned on trying my hardest to make things work after you left for school. Maybe I should have tried harder while you were still here.
Last night Dan and his friend Travis came to MD to look at cars to buy (for Travis)....then they were going to go to their friend's house (in ROCKVILLE....which is where I live....they live about 8 min from me).
Katie was over, and I told Dan that we would meet up for a drink in Rockville- considering I never get to see Dan....and havent seen him in a week. He says ok....and Katie and I are leaving the house for the bar/restaurant- and he calls and says he cant meet me. I was pretty upset, because the bar I was going to is literally 3 MILES from his friend's house. Dan said that his friend didn't want to go. Seriously, though......the place where katie and I were- is RIGHT next to where the highway starts. So it's NOT out of the way- at all. It is ON the way home, actually. They actually would PASS the place we were to get home. He couldnt even stop in just to say hi? Dan lives at least an hour away from me- I see him once a week- and he's moving to another state in less than a month. They are in my state- IN MY TOWN- and he can't get his friend to go 1 mile out of his way just to say hi? Neither of them had to work today....so its not like they were worried about being out late.
And if it is true- that his friend wouldn't stop for 5 min on the way home so that my boyfriend could say hi to me- and meet my good friend for the first time.....well, that's shitty too. Lets just say that Katie's first impression of Dan wasn't too fabulous. Katie says that any good friend wouldn't mind stopping for 5 freakin' minutes so that that person could say hello to their significant other that was EXPECTING them to be there.....and waiting. does that make sense? I know- I'm rambling. My thoughts are all so jumbled right now.
So, I tell him we need to talk, because I was clearly VERY upset about the situation. He tells me that he's going to bed because he doesn't want to deal with anything right now. NO WAY. That's now how I roll....I don't leave situations like this unsettled. I know that he didn't want to talk about it, and I didn't want to force him to do something he didnt want to do....but I wouldn't have been able to sleep last night not knowing where we stood.
I tell him why I'm upset and he says "Well, I was going to see you tomorrow anyway...why did I have to come see you tonight?". OOOOOOOOH MAN. That set me off. I'm his girlfriend- i didnt know that we couldnt see each other 2 nights in a row? That hurt me so much....does he not care at all? When I'm with someone, as we all know, I want to be with them every second of every day. I feel so worthless. So I tell him that if he's going to be like this, then I don't want to go to Baltimore....hoping that maybe he would say he was sorry for being a dick- and that he would say something like, "I've been looking forward to spending time with you all week, I'd really like to still go with you. I promise things will get better tomorrow, I just need to clear my head". Then he tells me he's upset because when his friend dropped him back off at his car, someone had hit it. I told him I was sorry and that I felt bad because he definitely didn't need that right now.
However, this didn't settle things enough for me...and I don't know why.
So I call him back a few minutes later and he tells me that he cancelled the hotel room.
We were supposed to meet our friends Nikki and Nick tonight- and stay the night together in Baltimore.
I guess that was the icing on the cake for me....obviously I'm not worth salvaging. He didn't even try to make things better....I took the first step by calling him...TWICE...to try and rectify things- by telling him why I was upset and how much my feelings were hurt tonight. There's not much else I can do.
Is it selfish of me to say -I just wish that he would put up a fight for me? When I'm upset- instead of being a huge asshole- to just say something nice? To at least TRY and make things better? Obviously I'm not worth it.
I feel like everything I have is slowly slipping away. Maizy has been hurt since October....I rarely am allowed to take her out of her stall and handle her. I basically get to sit with her in her stall and stare at her and groom her. I cry every day I go out to the barn. I wish I knew why she was hurting- and what I could do to make her better. I feel so empty right now- without her being well. I don't even know how to explain it. She's my world- and I don't even get to enjoy my time with her right now....she's in pain and neither of us can do anything about it. Bailey is for sale.....so that maybe I can buy another horse that is ready for high level competition. I have people asking me all the time- how is maizy doing? why haven't you been showing? Are you showing in florida again for the winter? I have to keep making excuses for us.....Allie and I have discussed everything- and we feel it is best that everyone not know about Maizy's whereabouts and what is going on with her. That's how rumors get started.
Can't something just go right for once? Can't I just find someone that feels about me the way I feel about Maizy? Unconditional love...no matter what.
I'm leaving this entry public...because I just don't care what anyone thinks anymore. You need to know how I feel- since you won't listen to me when I talk to you about how I'm feeling. I tell you over and over again, but it doesn't seem to process in your brain.
I hope you find someone that understands you more than I do. Maybe I'm too hard headed, too sensitive, too selfish, too self conscious......maybe our personalities clash. I am a strong believer in the fact that- I can't change someone. Someone has to change themselves- because they want to. Because they want to see a difference. No matter how hard I try- I don't think I can get you to understand me- and in turn, I can't ever begin to understand you. You keep all of your feelings bottled up inside.
I'm sorry things ended the way they did. I cared about you so much. I wasn't scared of the future. I planned on trying my hardest to make things work after you left for school. Maybe I should have tried harder while you were still here.