So many emotions...
So I haven't written on here in a long time, but I finally have the urge and pull to write and let out where I am in my life...
I am 3 weeks from graduating from Georgetown University with a Bachelors of Science in Foreign Service. For the past 22 years of my life I have been working to this end...to graduate and move on and finally, finally make a difference in the world. It has been a long 4 years and now that I am so close, I have so many varied emotions bubbling just under the surface.
For once in my life, I feel like I don't have anything figured out... And while it is certainly refreshing and exciting to be once again on the cusp of major change, I am also genuinely scared. It is not like high school - I have neither the overwhelming desire to leave or the burning passion to move on to the next step that I had then. Nor do I have the next step yet in place. Not to say I have loved every moment here in DC and am not happy to exit my undergraduate experience, but it is different. At points of life change, one tends to stand them next to each other, step back, and compare.
Right now, I can't help but think that the word "change" just doesn't do a justice. I feel as though I am standing on a fault line, on the edge of a tectonic life shift. Everything in my existence is about to be shaken up. Or as I told my sister after finding out she had gotten engaged, "We aren't kids playing olden-times in the backyard anymore." This is real life. I am an adult. I am moving into the real world. I will rely on myself. I will for once be absolutely vulnerable to the forces of life.
Decisions now hold so much weight. They don't just affect me, but the people I love the most, too. Is this the right thing to do? Is that wrong?
And who will be there to catch me when I fall flat on my face now?
I tell myself and make myself believe that I am once again so tired of this place. And I am. I have had my fill of term papers and finals, of university bureacracy and politics, of hot college parties with bad beer, of Jane Hoyas that wear pearls to go on a run and Joe Hoyas that get drunk and tip over trash cans...
But I will still miss it here. I will miss my casual encouters with friends on campus, making weekend party plans, living with my best friends, and, yes, writing papers the night before they are due pumped on caffeine. Mostly, though, I will miss this period of time where it was ok to not have things figured out. Of being vulnerable to forces that could shape and mold who I am as a person. And the last breaths of being young and careless and wild.
I sigh and I say I am ready to go. I am, I am, I am. I have to be... But there is still something so very unnerving and anxious about knowing that this is it. It's my turn to take on the world and live and work and love and be disappointed and create and, and, and...
I am ready to take it on, I am prepared, I am excited...
But I also can't shake the nerves.
I guess it's not so simple. 3 weeks never seemed so soon...
I am 3 weeks from graduating from Georgetown University with a Bachelors of Science in Foreign Service. For the past 22 years of my life I have been working to this end...to graduate and move on and finally, finally make a difference in the world. It has been a long 4 years and now that I am so close, I have so many varied emotions bubbling just under the surface.
For once in my life, I feel like I don't have anything figured out... And while it is certainly refreshing and exciting to be once again on the cusp of major change, I am also genuinely scared. It is not like high school - I have neither the overwhelming desire to leave or the burning passion to move on to the next step that I had then. Nor do I have the next step yet in place. Not to say I have loved every moment here in DC and am not happy to exit my undergraduate experience, but it is different. At points of life change, one tends to stand them next to each other, step back, and compare.
Right now, I can't help but think that the word "change" just doesn't do a justice. I feel as though I am standing on a fault line, on the edge of a tectonic life shift. Everything in my existence is about to be shaken up. Or as I told my sister after finding out she had gotten engaged, "We aren't kids playing olden-times in the backyard anymore." This is real life. I am an adult. I am moving into the real world. I will rely on myself. I will for once be absolutely vulnerable to the forces of life.
Decisions now hold so much weight. They don't just affect me, but the people I love the most, too. Is this the right thing to do? Is that wrong?
And who will be there to catch me when I fall flat on my face now?
I tell myself and make myself believe that I am once again so tired of this place. And I am. I have had my fill of term papers and finals, of university bureacracy and politics, of hot college parties with bad beer, of Jane Hoyas that wear pearls to go on a run and Joe Hoyas that get drunk and tip over trash cans...
But I will still miss it here. I will miss my casual encouters with friends on campus, making weekend party plans, living with my best friends, and, yes, writing papers the night before they are due pumped on caffeine. Mostly, though, I will miss this period of time where it was ok to not have things figured out. Of being vulnerable to forces that could shape and mold who I am as a person. And the last breaths of being young and careless and wild.
I sigh and I say I am ready to go. I am, I am, I am. I have to be... But there is still something so very unnerving and anxious about knowing that this is it. It's my turn to take on the world and live and work and love and be disappointed and create and, and, and...
I am ready to take it on, I am prepared, I am excited...
But I also can't shake the nerves.
I guess it's not so simple. 3 weeks never seemed so soon...