august can kiss my ass
i hate to waste so much energy on negative shit but this month has been nothing but one shitty day after another. work is really getting to me. i drive 30 minutes each way and my quarter raise only pays for one week of gas. i think it's great that everyone got a raise because they all deserve it, but the last three times i've asked for a little more, they give everyone more. and i'm not just thinking of me, i haven't seen anyone get a raise just because they're doing a good job. we had to put up with the a/c going out, the computers going down, and the power going out. not to mention Chas mobbing in a couple of weeks ago all coked out looking for a 12 year old poster of him and christina to use as proof of ID so he could stay at a hotel. that shit wasn't anywhere in my job description. so that all happened in the first two weeks.
then on friday, JJ, our singer, called me up 3 hours before a show and says he doesn't think he can be in the band anymore. i couldn't fucking believe it, i can't fucking believe it. i don't know what to feel or what to do. i'm not sure if we can make it through finding another singer. plus, all of our songs are trash if we have to get someone new. all of that time and creativity tossed. all of those lyrics and and emotions just fucking thrown away. i haven't talked to him since the show so i don't know if he's gotten over it or if it's for real. but if that show on friday was our last, it was a horrible way to end the experience. the PA was jacked, the guitar was feeding back, my mic got turned off in the middle of a song, and on top of that, nobody was there. that's not how i thought it would end. then after one of the worst shows ever, my mom comes to me and tells me that she's gonna have to put down my dog that i've had since i was in grade school. just one thing after another. i didn't get out of bed all day on saturday, only to get buzzed and throw shit at model homes with nate. i don't know what to do. i'm very lost and i'm not sure how to act or feel about all of this. i can't keep pushing it inside or i'm gonna go crazy (again). i can feel it, somethings gonna break and i don't know how well anyone around me is going to take it. nate and ben have been with me for previous break-downs but claire hasn't and nobody from work even knows about my issues. FUCK, i feel trapped. i feel like everything inside of me is trying to get out and it's making my skin and my body hurt. it's hard to explain. i think i need to let everyone i care about know how i feel about them soon before i lose touch, not only with myself but with my feelings. my head hurts down into my soul...
then on friday, JJ, our singer, called me up 3 hours before a show and says he doesn't think he can be in the band anymore. i couldn't fucking believe it, i can't fucking believe it. i don't know what to feel or what to do. i'm not sure if we can make it through finding another singer. plus, all of our songs are trash if we have to get someone new. all of that time and creativity tossed. all of those lyrics and and emotions just fucking thrown away. i haven't talked to him since the show so i don't know if he's gotten over it or if it's for real. but if that show on friday was our last, it was a horrible way to end the experience. the PA was jacked, the guitar was feeding back, my mic got turned off in the middle of a song, and on top of that, nobody was there. that's not how i thought it would end. then after one of the worst shows ever, my mom comes to me and tells me that she's gonna have to put down my dog that i've had since i was in grade school. just one thing after another. i didn't get out of bed all day on saturday, only to get buzzed and throw shit at model homes with nate. i don't know what to do. i'm very lost and i'm not sure how to act or feel about all of this. i can't keep pushing it inside or i'm gonna go crazy (again). i can feel it, somethings gonna break and i don't know how well anyone around me is going to take it. nate and ben have been with me for previous break-downs but claire hasn't and nobody from work even knows about my issues. FUCK, i feel trapped. i feel like everything inside of me is trying to get out and it's making my skin and my body hurt. it's hard to explain. i think i need to let everyone i care about know how i feel about them soon before i lose touch, not only with myself but with my feelings. my head hurts down into my soul...