The God of Smartness and Intellect
I grew up in an atheist nation. Many if not most people in my generation didn't believe in god. We grew up in a country where believing in anything but the Soviet Party was dangerous. Some people did believe in god, but did so secretly.
My friend told me that she was baptized as a baby by her grandmother. Secretly, of course. It was 40+ years ago in Moscow where she grew up. Soviet Union as a country stood strong back then. So, she was baptized but nothing else was done. No one talked about god or explained anything to my friend as she was growing up. And then Soviet Union fell apart in the 1990s. By that time she was a teenager. She got curious about religion and one day went to see what was happening in a church. I asked her, what was the point of baptizing a child and then not explaining to her anything about the meaning of the process or the religion or God? She is not sure either.
I grew up in a similar family, only I never got baptized. And I never got curious enough about religion back in the Soviet/post Soviet Era because I immigrated when I was only 15. years old. My encounter with God happened very abruptly and without my will. It's another story altogether.
So smart…
Now I want to talk about another god that I grew up with, my generation of people as well as our parents. I christen this god as a God of Smartness and Intellect. I would say it’s similar to to the Aryan identity or the pure German race thought of as a god during the WWII Nazi period. The Germans were all about pale skin, blond hair and blue eyes. We, the Soviet people, are all about being smart and using your intellect.
Gosh, I was stuck with that god for so many years! For most of my life I suffered from this painful condition where peoples' words and whole sentences would get stuck in my head for years. Words from friends and family members would play again and again in my head like a broken record. For years they kept bothering me because I couldn't decide what is my take on those words. Something in most of those stuck words seemed to bother me but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Some of the toughest phrases that made me really sick for years were (translated to English): "Oh, but she is so smart.…" (referring to me). Or, "Look Anna, your son is so smart.…". I have heard those phrase so many times from my uncle.
I don’t think it’s possible to really convey the whole tone of that phrase in English, because.... well, because in English people don't worship the god of Intellect the way we, Russians do. This wasn’t just a phrase, it was a reproach or a reprimand. It was the first part of the sentence that would go something along the lines of: "It’s weird that she would behave this way. After all, she is so smart."
That phrase, "She is so smart" got stuck in my head for years. It bothered and bothered me deep down, on the subconscious level. When I grew up I started using the same phrase when thinking about of all my relationships as well, my own kids, my husband, kids I worked with in school, my mom while we still had relationships. Again, that thinking was on the subconscious level for years.
Emotions
I wasn't even aware how much this kind of thinking influenced me until I started practicing mindfulness. I would say the path to mindfulness in that case started with the book "Emotional intelligence" by Daniel Goleman. Most of my life lessons usually start with some kind of book.
This book literally blew up my mind. What? Emotional intelligence? What the hell is that?! See, when I read this book in my early 30s I had a very vague idea about the words like “emotion”, "emotional." It was not really part of my vocabulary. I mean, I knew those words existed. I encountered them in books, I heard people use them in words and sentences. Yet, I had a vague understanding of what they mean.
I grew up in a culture where people were not in a habit of talking about emotions. In my own family the word “emotion” was frowned upon and the display of emotions was harshly criticized. My mom didn't like any showing of emotions from her relatives, and especially from me because we were close with her for many years.
She would specifically teach me to suppress many of my emotions since she considered them useless. I grew up hearing her talk about her hate of emotions and feelings. For years I practiced suppressing my emotions and lived in a total belief that emotions are of no use. We exercise our will of power by suppressing the useless emotions.
Since my mom didn't really talk about good emotions I had a picture deep down inside that most emotions are useless. Again, I wasn't really aware of this whole thinking for many years. Not until I read the book when I was an adult already. Eventually, I started working with children in school, mostly with special ed and children with Autism. I was amazed how much people in American society talk about emotions to their children.
The new belief
At the time when I read the book "Emotional intelligence" (in my 30s) I would estimate my own emotional intelligence to be maybe that of a 10-year old or even younger. I was not in touch with most of my emotions, after years of practicing not to feel them. My long and painful journey of getting acquainted with them was just starting.
As I worked on getting to know my emotions and feelings my relationships with the God of Smartness and Intellect was starting to change. When I seriously started to read about and practice mindfulness I was able to look at the words of smartness that used to bother me for years, not from inside of my head, but from outside. Eventually they released their grip on me and stopped bothering me.
I realized I don’t believe in the God of Smartness and Intellect any longer. Nor do I want to exercise my will of power. Sorry mom, I denounced the god that used to unite us together for years. I now believe in the god of emotions and feelings.
November 16, 2023
My friend told me that she was baptized as a baby by her grandmother. Secretly, of course. It was 40+ years ago in Moscow where she grew up. Soviet Union as a country stood strong back then. So, she was baptized but nothing else was done. No one talked about god or explained anything to my friend as she was growing up. And then Soviet Union fell apart in the 1990s. By that time she was a teenager. She got curious about religion and one day went to see what was happening in a church. I asked her, what was the point of baptizing a child and then not explaining to her anything about the meaning of the process or the religion or God? She is not sure either.
I grew up in a similar family, only I never got baptized. And I never got curious enough about religion back in the Soviet/post Soviet Era because I immigrated when I was only 15. years old. My encounter with God happened very abruptly and without my will. It's another story altogether.
So smart…
Now I want to talk about another god that I grew up with, my generation of people as well as our parents. I christen this god as a God of Smartness and Intellect. I would say it’s similar to to the Aryan identity or the pure German race thought of as a god during the WWII Nazi period. The Germans were all about pale skin, blond hair and blue eyes. We, the Soviet people, are all about being smart and using your intellect.
Gosh, I was stuck with that god for so many years! For most of my life I suffered from this painful condition where peoples' words and whole sentences would get stuck in my head for years. Words from friends and family members would play again and again in my head like a broken record. For years they kept bothering me because I couldn't decide what is my take on those words. Something in most of those stuck words seemed to bother me but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Some of the toughest phrases that made me really sick for years were (translated to English): "Oh, but she is so smart.…" (referring to me). Or, "Look Anna, your son is so smart.…". I have heard those phrase so many times from my uncle.
I don’t think it’s possible to really convey the whole tone of that phrase in English, because.... well, because in English people don't worship the god of Intellect the way we, Russians do. This wasn’t just a phrase, it was a reproach or a reprimand. It was the first part of the sentence that would go something along the lines of: "It’s weird that she would behave this way. After all, she is so smart."
That phrase, "She is so smart" got stuck in my head for years. It bothered and bothered me deep down, on the subconscious level. When I grew up I started using the same phrase when thinking about of all my relationships as well, my own kids, my husband, kids I worked with in school, my mom while we still had relationships. Again, that thinking was on the subconscious level for years.
Emotions
I wasn't even aware how much this kind of thinking influenced me until I started practicing mindfulness. I would say the path to mindfulness in that case started with the book "Emotional intelligence" by Daniel Goleman. Most of my life lessons usually start with some kind of book.
This book literally blew up my mind. What? Emotional intelligence? What the hell is that?! See, when I read this book in my early 30s I had a very vague idea about the words like “emotion”, "emotional." It was not really part of my vocabulary. I mean, I knew those words existed. I encountered them in books, I heard people use them in words and sentences. Yet, I had a vague understanding of what they mean.
I grew up in a culture where people were not in a habit of talking about emotions. In my own family the word “emotion” was frowned upon and the display of emotions was harshly criticized. My mom didn't like any showing of emotions from her relatives, and especially from me because we were close with her for many years.
She would specifically teach me to suppress many of my emotions since she considered them useless. I grew up hearing her talk about her hate of emotions and feelings. For years I practiced suppressing my emotions and lived in a total belief that emotions are of no use. We exercise our will of power by suppressing the useless emotions.
Since my mom didn't really talk about good emotions I had a picture deep down inside that most emotions are useless. Again, I wasn't really aware of this whole thinking for many years. Not until I read the book when I was an adult already. Eventually, I started working with children in school, mostly with special ed and children with Autism. I was amazed how much people in American society talk about emotions to their children.
The new belief
At the time when I read the book "Emotional intelligence" (in my 30s) I would estimate my own emotional intelligence to be maybe that of a 10-year old or even younger. I was not in touch with most of my emotions, after years of practicing not to feel them. My long and painful journey of getting acquainted with them was just starting.
As I worked on getting to know my emotions and feelings my relationships with the God of Smartness and Intellect was starting to change. When I seriously started to read about and practice mindfulness I was able to look at the words of smartness that used to bother me for years, not from inside of my head, but from outside. Eventually they released their grip on me and stopped bothering me.
I realized I don’t believe in the God of Smartness and Intellect any longer. Nor do I want to exercise my will of power. Sorry mom, I denounced the god that used to unite us together for years. I now believe in the god of emotions and feelings.
November 16, 2023