The Asperkid's Secret Book of Social Rules (selected text)
"Where was this Book When I, Like, Needed It?”
1990
Dear Journal,
What the heck? How is it possible to be so smart
and so clueless at the exact same time? It seems like
everyone else speaks a language that I don’t. I watch
them. I listen. I imitate. I act-a lot. Have you heard
my newest nickname? The tennis team has taken to
calling me “Happy Head.” They actually mean it to
be nice. I think I’ve become the seniors’ pet. The cute
little redhead with the smile plastered on her face-it’s
plastered, all right. And plastic. I’m completely petrified
of feeling left out. Again. It’s probably just a matter
of time, though. We both know that I always manage
to blow it somehow. Just give me long enough and I’ll
screw up any friendship. Seriously, I wish someone would
just give me some rules on how to be “normal”...let me
know when THAT book comes out. It seems to be the
only one I haven’t read.
Love,
Jenny
2012
There wasn’t a Rule Book, then, like I wished. There
was no peek into the secret rules that I knew had to be
there, but couldn’t ever figure out. There were rules,
I was sure of it. Everyone else seemed to get them.
But not me. Over and over, I’d mess up without even
realizing it. Then try to cover it up. Then have to
find new friends. For thirty-four years, that was the
cycle, until I learned a new word: “Aspergers.” And all
of a sudden, I made sense. It all made sense. No, there
wasn’t a rule book then. But there is now. Part code-
cracking, part doodle pad. Completely honest and all
yours. Well, ours...
Welcome to the (Secret) Rule Book.
Mind-blindness
“Manners,” generally speaking, are the traditions or customary ways a particular group has to guide the way people treat one another. Their purpose is to make social interaction smoother, less chaotic. Less about “me” and more about “we.”
Rules are relative, from one place to another. Expectations change over time (like women going to work), and from one situation to another (talking on a cell phone is fine, but not in the middle of a restaurant).
All this “fuzziness” confuses the heck out of us, right? Is someone being rude or just sarcastic? Or are they being sarcastic AND rude? Argh! Why can’t this stuff just be simple? Why are these ridiculous “rules” secret to us, and not to the NTs?
Mostly, our trouble stems from two main challenges. The first is called “mind-blindness.” That means that we have an awfully tough time figuring out someone else’s point of view. Oh, we THINK we know what they are thinking...but usually, we don’t, without actually asking.
Empathy vs. Sympathy
On the other hand, sympathy and empathy are very different things. Sympathy we’ve got in spades. Empathy, which is the ability to sense, be aware of and share another’s feelings is, let’s admit it, not our collective strong point. Compassionate though we may be, we Aspies usually have to really ponder or even be directly told what someone else’s perspective might be. It’s not something we’re naturally aware of. That doesn’t make us bad or mean or uncaring. It means that we have to think about what NTs just “get.”
Learning to Speak “Social-Ease”
So, the truth is that you don’t HAVE to learn the rules if you don’t want to. It’s really your choice. But...as with any choice, there are consequences. If you want a career, a date, an invitation, a friend or even to get along with the NTs in your family...you have to learn their language. “Social-ease.” You may never be fluent, and you may always have an “Aspie accent,” but at least you’ll know what to (try) to say.
Just imagine moving to some other country and being expected to speak their language, know the customs and follow every one of their super-complicated laws-without anyone ever explaining them to you. And if you mess up, you could (and probably would) get fired, be laughed at, left out, bullied, or even arrested. Would that be fair? Of course not.
But that’s what it’s like for us, trying to follow a set of hidden social rules without the rule book. To us, they’re not rules, they’re secrets. It’s no wonder we feel left out so often. You won’t just “know” things that are not part of the way you, as Asperkids, operate...any more than I will suddenly know what it’s like to wake up blonde. Someone’s got some explaining to do.
Hold the Pillow
We don’t have the “Social-ease” dictionary programmed into our brains; NTs do. They are constantly “taking the social temperature.” Without even realizing it, NTs monitor each other’s body language and tone of voice-able to correctly detect what others think of them. If NTs sense they are causing uncomfortable or confused thoughts or feelings, they can change their own behavior in time to keep everyone comfortable and happy.
Aspie forever
Being an Asperkid isn’t something to hide-actually, it’s something to laugh about and even be proud of. It puts you in the company of minds like Thomas Edison, Bill Gates, Marie Curie. Information, more often than not, brings about understanding.
My kids and I have found being honest about who we are and how we operate is the way to go. You may want to ask your psychologist to speak to your class about Aspergers. About how it’s just a different way brains can work-no better or worse, just different. You know: how we’re great at staying focused on something that’s important to us, but otherwise may be a bit scattered or need our space.
How You Correct an Error is at Least as Important as Whether You Correct It
We Aspies operate on logic most of the time. The rest of the world doesn’t. Out there, pride, emotion
and reputations rule. So, be careful. A famous book says the first principle to getting along with others is “don’t criticize, condemn or complain” (Carnegie 1936, p.17). But criticism is exactly how
your correction may sound to others’ ears.
And that’s a powerful and dangerous thing-even if you don’t mean it to be. Challenging another person usually hurts his pride and makes him feel embarrassed or dumb. Once that happens,
the result is almost NEVER graceful acceptance or change for the better; it’s feelings of anger and resentment toward you. The more you try to prove someone wrong, the more he’s likely to argue
he is right.
The Unspoken Rules (from The Asperkid's secret book) . Part 1