mouldy diamonds
mmm.
i'm so much better than i used to be. like, i just don't know what to say. i don't think i'm suicidal. kind of, but i'm enjoying my life for the first time since i was ten.
tonight laura and i hung out for the first time since spring and it was so great. it makes me feel so happy that i've already found some people who i know are really special and great people and they're just such wonderful people. when i spent a month alone [as in with my lover and without parents and letting the emotions put things in order] in montreal this summer, i met so many people on the street. and some of them were real characters, and you know when you meet someone and you really know they're going to do great things and ugh. and something it would make me cry when i'd be out by myself doing errands in the big city, usually going to and from the gym in a hotel that i wasn't staying in.
i gained forty pounds on anti-depressants and mood-stablizers despite the fact that i go to the gym five or six times a week and walk to school and do not touch junk food. it's a little better but i'm trying not to obsess and i just don't care woooooooooooooooo. before this happened, i was anorexic, so this was really hard for me, as i couldn't change a fuckin thing.
and maybe i'm still anorexic. i don't know. i don't care. how anorexic is anorexic? i mean, if you deny yourself nutrition several times a day, does that count? but i feel okay and i know i know my boundaries, so, please. i have bigger things to deal with.
20000 medication changes later but really not that many so i don't think it's so much the medication as something i've decided on setting out to do, i feel better. the old problems are still around but one of my prescriptions works on migraines, and just with that out of the way i feel so much better. i had constant head pain and when the bad ones hit i'd be paralyzed on one side. pussies with few heath problems who complain really are pussies.
i don't feel like i have to justify everything i'm going through as much as i used to anymore, partly because i think i've found a few people who appreciate me and are positive, interesting, funny, beautiful beings instead of being in abusive and dysfunctional relationships that lead toward self-hate.
i feel so much better than i used to. i don't cut myself anymore. i think i've reached a decent middle-ground in my life.
i hate my alcoholic father and never want to see him again. and i wish he wouldn't drive drunk. i want to report him. now.
laura and i walked to her house after school and her brother was there writing techno. we smoked like ten bowls in his jeep and burnt his old insurance papers for some reasons and went laura and i went for a two-hour walk to the river and sat on the bridge. tonight was the first snow-fall. we saw tegan and sara and i was surprised at how good it was. i was so happy that they came here because it's not a major city. the auditorium shares a parking lot with our high school and we watched the tour bus all day and saw one of them. kalee sat outside in the cold all afternoon with her guitar and met them. dude like we have our assemblies in that auditorium, i've been on that stage, that's where we go when there's a bomb threat, etc. i also saw matt good there last week with kevin what characters. i love fall and ugh. ugh ugh.
guys started running up and down the aisles and then everybody got out of their seats and went to the front. after the show we went out and smoked with everybody and said goodbye one last time - i love how i know great people these days - and l. and i walked back to her house and on the way her purse burst into flames!
i really wanted to take a picture of it but i felt guilty for that want so i just stomped. but i would have been so cool.
tomorrow i'm taking the bus to calgary.
i'm so much better than i used to be. like, i just don't know what to say. i don't think i'm suicidal. kind of, but i'm enjoying my life for the first time since i was ten.
tonight laura and i hung out for the first time since spring and it was so great. it makes me feel so happy that i've already found some people who i know are really special and great people and they're just such wonderful people. when i spent a month alone [as in with my lover and without parents and letting the emotions put things in order] in montreal this summer, i met so many people on the street. and some of them were real characters, and you know when you meet someone and you really know they're going to do great things and ugh. and something it would make me cry when i'd be out by myself doing errands in the big city, usually going to and from the gym in a hotel that i wasn't staying in.
i gained forty pounds on anti-depressants and mood-stablizers despite the fact that i go to the gym five or six times a week and walk to school and do not touch junk food. it's a little better but i'm trying not to obsess and i just don't care woooooooooooooooo. before this happened, i was anorexic, so this was really hard for me, as i couldn't change a fuckin thing.
and maybe i'm still anorexic. i don't know. i don't care. how anorexic is anorexic? i mean, if you deny yourself nutrition several times a day, does that count? but i feel okay and i know i know my boundaries, so, please. i have bigger things to deal with.
20000 medication changes later but really not that many so i don't think it's so much the medication as something i've decided on setting out to do, i feel better. the old problems are still around but one of my prescriptions works on migraines, and just with that out of the way i feel so much better. i had constant head pain and when the bad ones hit i'd be paralyzed on one side. pussies with few heath problems who complain really are pussies.
i don't feel like i have to justify everything i'm going through as much as i used to anymore, partly because i think i've found a few people who appreciate me and are positive, interesting, funny, beautiful beings instead of being in abusive and dysfunctional relationships that lead toward self-hate.
i feel so much better than i used to. i don't cut myself anymore. i think i've reached a decent middle-ground in my life.
i hate my alcoholic father and never want to see him again. and i wish he wouldn't drive drunk. i want to report him. now.
laura and i walked to her house after school and her brother was there writing techno. we smoked like ten bowls in his jeep and burnt his old insurance papers for some reasons and went laura and i went for a two-hour walk to the river and sat on the bridge. tonight was the first snow-fall. we saw tegan and sara and i was surprised at how good it was. i was so happy that they came here because it's not a major city. the auditorium shares a parking lot with our high school and we watched the tour bus all day and saw one of them. kalee sat outside in the cold all afternoon with her guitar and met them. dude like we have our assemblies in that auditorium, i've been on that stage, that's where we go when there's a bomb threat, etc. i also saw matt good there last week with kevin what characters. i love fall and ugh. ugh ugh.
guys started running up and down the aisles and then everybody got out of their seats and went to the front. after the show we went out and smoked with everybody and said goodbye one last time - i love how i know great people these days - and l. and i walked back to her house and on the way her purse burst into flames!
i really wanted to take a picture of it but i felt guilty for that want so i just stomped. but i would have been so cool.
tomorrow i'm taking the bus to calgary.