and as we say our long goodbyes.. i nearly do..
Well, I've decided that since, no one really reads this anymore, I'm going to use it to my advantage, and really treat it like a journal. Ofcourse some things will still need to be kept private. But, I'm going Friends Only soon, and so I won't be so worried as to who decides to read this anyway.
Ok so, I'm at a point in my life where I really can't be happy. I can't even pretend I'm happy anymore. And I'm feeling less and less guilty about making people uncomfortable around me. Usually, I'm a pretty passive agressive person, which has its positives and negatives. But lately, I've honestly stopped caring all together about what the people I hate think of me, and if they know I hate them or not. I used to have a really hard time being mean to people, telling them how I felt about them. But now, I honestly don't give, and it feels awesome.. most of the time. Like today, I went to the beach, and I was really careless to how my first impressions were to some of the new people I was just meeting, which is unusual for me. And the people I knew, and disliked.. I didn't think twice about showing them how uninterested I was in anything they were saying. Wow. Is that good? bad? What am I supossed to think of myself? Eh. I don't actually care enough to even think about if it's wrong or right.
On the other hand. I do want to be happy, I wan't to change, and love life the way I used to. I want to start being more friendly and hanging out with more people. I don't want to be so picky as to who I'm with or who knows me. I don't want to constantly look at people, and blurt out all the things wrong with them, 'omg she's so fucking stupid, what a loser, blah blah blah' I get sick of myself. And why am I such a complainer? Why am I constantly arguing with everyone? Why do I always have to be right? Why do I hate myself, or do I hate myself? Maybe I love myself, I don't know anymore. Why don't I know anything anymore? Why can't I concentrate on what's important? Why aren't people important to me? Why aren't their feelings important to me? Why do I ask so many questions? Urgh! I get angry more easily now. And the tinyest things make me moody. My day never starts off right, I always wake up on the wrong side of the bed.. I live of the wrong side of the bed.
Life is sucking more and more for me. I don't feel comfort in any of my friends. I don't feel security in anyone I know. I don't feel safe telling people secrets. I don't trust anyone. I don't trust the world. I don't believe in second chances. I don't like being around people. I don't like being alone either. I don't like people who talk behind peoples' backs. I talk behind peoples' backs. I don't like myself. I don't hate myself. I confuse myself. Other people confuse me. I want phonecalls. I don't want to talk to people. I want to make plans and go out and have fun. I hate seeing people. I have too high expectations for friends. I have too high expectations for myself. I have no expectations for myself. I don't know what to tell people anymore. I dose off in conversations. I dose off in everything. I don't find anything pleasurable anymore. I can't take a compliment. I wish I got more compliments. I am fucking dizzy all the time. I can't decode the things that are going through my mind. I can't understand what people mean when they say things. I don't like people you can't read. You can't read me. I don't like people who write long livejournal entries about how bad their lives are in hopes someone will comment and tell them they love them. I want someone to tell me they love me, I am writing a long entry about how sucky my life is. I am going to leave the comment option open, because I do like to hear my friends tell me they love me. I like to be reassured that I don't have it as bad as some people. But I'll still be unhappy.
I want to spend time with the distant people. I want to see Dani. I've never written one of these types of entries without mentioning Dani. I want to spend a long weekend with her, I want to go shopping at Urban with her. Dani makes me happy. I love you Dani.
I want Dillon to be Ok. I miss him, I want his Mom to be ok, I don't want him to live with his Dad, I want him to live with us. I don't want him to keep turning to drugs. I don't want him to keep hanging out with the kids that he does now. I don't want bad things to happen to good people. I don't want the people I love to be endangered.
Where am I going in life? What's my passion? What am I good at?
I really want to start fresh, I want to change schools, and yet, I know it will never happen, and I almost don't really want to. I don't know what I want to do. I want to read books, and listen to music. Those are basically the only things I'm really open to right now. I'm into pretty much any kind of alternative bands. I need something to fill out my summer. I want to keep my interests in something. I want people to appreciate when I'm in a good mood. I want to be in a good mood. I want to go read. I like books, I'm open to all kinds of books. Have any suggestions? Great bands, good books? I'll take them.
(if you're down here, and you read all this, either you're really a true friend, and i thank you.. or you're just really bored, which is alright too. either way, thanks so much for listening, i appreciate it.)
<3
Ok so, I'm at a point in my life where I really can't be happy. I can't even pretend I'm happy anymore. And I'm feeling less and less guilty about making people uncomfortable around me. Usually, I'm a pretty passive agressive person, which has its positives and negatives. But lately, I've honestly stopped caring all together about what the people I hate think of me, and if they know I hate them or not. I used to have a really hard time being mean to people, telling them how I felt about them. But now, I honestly don't give, and it feels awesome.. most of the time. Like today, I went to the beach, and I was really careless to how my first impressions were to some of the new people I was just meeting, which is unusual for me. And the people I knew, and disliked.. I didn't think twice about showing them how uninterested I was in anything they were saying. Wow. Is that good? bad? What am I supossed to think of myself? Eh. I don't actually care enough to even think about if it's wrong or right.
On the other hand. I do want to be happy, I wan't to change, and love life the way I used to. I want to start being more friendly and hanging out with more people. I don't want to be so picky as to who I'm with or who knows me. I don't want to constantly look at people, and blurt out all the things wrong with them, 'omg she's so fucking stupid, what a loser, blah blah blah' I get sick of myself. And why am I such a complainer? Why am I constantly arguing with everyone? Why do I always have to be right? Why do I hate myself, or do I hate myself? Maybe I love myself, I don't know anymore. Why don't I know anything anymore? Why can't I concentrate on what's important? Why aren't people important to me? Why aren't their feelings important to me? Why do I ask so many questions? Urgh! I get angry more easily now. And the tinyest things make me moody. My day never starts off right, I always wake up on the wrong side of the bed.. I live of the wrong side of the bed.
Life is sucking more and more for me. I don't feel comfort in any of my friends. I don't feel security in anyone I know. I don't feel safe telling people secrets. I don't trust anyone. I don't trust the world. I don't believe in second chances. I don't like being around people. I don't like being alone either. I don't like people who talk behind peoples' backs. I talk behind peoples' backs. I don't like myself. I don't hate myself. I confuse myself. Other people confuse me. I want phonecalls. I don't want to talk to people. I want to make plans and go out and have fun. I hate seeing people. I have too high expectations for friends. I have too high expectations for myself. I have no expectations for myself. I don't know what to tell people anymore. I dose off in conversations. I dose off in everything. I don't find anything pleasurable anymore. I can't take a compliment. I wish I got more compliments. I am fucking dizzy all the time. I can't decode the things that are going through my mind. I can't understand what people mean when they say things. I don't like people you can't read. You can't read me. I don't like people who write long livejournal entries about how bad their lives are in hopes someone will comment and tell them they love them. I want someone to tell me they love me, I am writing a long entry about how sucky my life is. I am going to leave the comment option open, because I do like to hear my friends tell me they love me. I like to be reassured that I don't have it as bad as some people. But I'll still be unhappy.
I want to spend time with the distant people. I want to see Dani. I've never written one of these types of entries without mentioning Dani. I want to spend a long weekend with her, I want to go shopping at Urban with her. Dani makes me happy. I love you Dani.
I want Dillon to be Ok. I miss him, I want his Mom to be ok, I don't want him to live with his Dad, I want him to live with us. I don't want him to keep turning to drugs. I don't want him to keep hanging out with the kids that he does now. I don't want bad things to happen to good people. I don't want the people I love to be endangered.
Where am I going in life? What's my passion? What am I good at?
I really want to start fresh, I want to change schools, and yet, I know it will never happen, and I almost don't really want to. I don't know what I want to do. I want to read books, and listen to music. Those are basically the only things I'm really open to right now. I'm into pretty much any kind of alternative bands. I need something to fill out my summer. I want to keep my interests in something. I want people to appreciate when I'm in a good mood. I want to be in a good mood. I want to go read. I like books, I'm open to all kinds of books. Have any suggestions? Great bands, good books? I'll take them.
(if you're down here, and you read all this, either you're really a true friend, and i thank you.. or you're just really bored, which is alright too. either way, thanks so much for listening, i appreciate it.)
<3