sometimes i feel lost.
i hate ranty posts, but honestly, after talking to erin, leslie, gabe, zeal, and pierce for a few hours, i think that's the only thing that's going to make me feel better. i need to let it out man.
okay, so one.. i'm changing my major. after this entire semester of aggravation about my artwork, i have decided that i don't think it's worth it. i'm not an artist, and everyone could see that. yeah, i love art. yeah, i love taking photos. that's kind of it. i realized a few summers back actually that i don't think like an artist. i am literal, that's how i think. i can't write poetry, i'm not good with metaphors and symbolism, i am very straight forward. i want to think about things and analyze them and figure out ways to make the world a better place. i'm done trying to find ways to express myself, i express myself plenty and fine. i love seeing art, not making it. i love taking photos, yet that's about it. it's become more of a hobby, i love it for the art, yet i also love it for the documentation.. which is why i want to be a photojournalist. i am going to study poli sci and journalism. i need to explore more of my mind than my eyes. i want to learn about the world. i love art, but it's just not me.
another thing. boys. sigh. basically, the end of the semester is here, and i feel so lonely, so all i do is call pierce and zeal and complain about boys so i can realize that there are actually good guys out there. i don't need a guy. i really don't. gabe and i are fine. we will be at least. we have this mutual weirdness between us, and i think i'm just not used to it. this is just the way that it is. people grow apart. gabe and i had something pretty awesome for a little while there, but honestly, we both need to grow as people. we're similar, but so different, and i can't explain it. i'm done trying to force a friendship with him. yeah, i'm confused. when he calls me and asks me to hang out. i really think we're both just confused about everything right now. again, i'm a girl, i have to freak out, he's a guy, he has to ignore it until it goes away. well, this is what i said, in my final statements to the gable..
"i hate that there was so much drama for a week or two there, but i really am sort of glad it happened in a weird way, because when we broke up i really felt like you were saying that you didn't like me anymore.. at all, and that was why we broke up, but after all of what we went through after that, it really proved to me that that's not why we broke up.. i think we broke up because you and i are just at really different places.. we had different experiences and i think we're both mature people, but mature in different ways and immature in different ways.. i still think we have a good connection and actually do want the same things out of life, but want different things for the immediate future, we have different ways of going about things, you know?"
and he agreed, which is really all i wanted. he keeps saying that of course we'll see each other before we leave, yada yada. he really has proven to me that he cares, that's all i need. i think after hanging out with him tonight, whatever "spark" we had when we first met really did die, yeah he's a great guy, but our connection is sort of lost. i don't really feel as comfortable talking to him as i did before, and like i said before we broke up, i felt different just kissing him. i have this urgency to make everything work, but sometimes it doesn't. gabe and i are so different, and i envy him for being so chill and relaxed and independent. and deep down i think he knows that being with me helped him be more emotional and open. he's just not ready yet. it's hard for me to be okay with he and i not being right for each other. just because we can say that we respect each other doesn't mean that we need to be together. or to even hang out. this is life. and honestly, i need to be okay with being alone. all that matters is now.
but if my relationships have taught me anything it's that timing really is everything. i don't believe in soul mates. i believe in love and romance and all that good stuff and that things are meant to happen a certain way. but could i see myself with any of my past boyfriends in the future? yeah. more than one of them? yeah. so who knows what will happen with any of them. most likely, we will all move on, but they all had an impact on me. everything is just a step and growth, whatever comes your way teaches you things for the future, for the self. i have to move on and be okay with it. does that mean i have to have any negative feelings about my past boyfriends, friends, etc? of course not. i think and hope that pretty soon i'll be able to be better at this. and honestly, i can't be mad at myself for getting upset about gabe. we broke up, i was upset, but i got over it within the week. yeah, it was weird seeing him, but it was alright, then we started to be all flirty again, and he confused the shit out of me, told me he still had feelings for me, etc. what does that mean? that we're normal confused hormonal teenagers. it sucks, but i really do believe that in the end, we'll be better for it. all of us will be better for it. this semester has been so much better than last semester, but at the end, i feel like i have nothing to show for it. that's why i've been stressed lately, not because of gabe, but because of work and friends and just everything up in the air. when i get older, i hope to tackle this craziness that goes on in my head. i'm getting better. it's okay to get upset. how do i get upset without freaking out? now that is the question..
i am coming so much closer to being the adult i want to be. i get set back every now and then, and i think that a big problem that i have is that when i do get stressed out and anxious i tend to feel like all is lost. well, you know what? nothing is lost. it's okay to get like this. it's the fucking first year of college. am i the same person i was a year ago? no. i am so much smarter and so much closer to being the responsible person i know that i'm capable of being. am i emotional? yeah. am i too emotional? i really don't think so. when i get like this (which by the way is extremely PMSy..) i tend to think that i am, but seriously, i'm a GIRL. the only people who have ever made me feel like i am too emotional are guys. and have they ever blatantly said it? no. daryl never said i was too emotional, neither did gabe. daryl said he knew i could be okay without him. gabe said i am sometimes overly analytical. neither of these things mean i am overly emotional, that is just something that i think about myself, and whenever someone says something remotely close to that, i assume that's what they mean. well, it's not. anyone who ever calls me a drama queen only does so because they want to get to me.
i'm okay.