(10) &here I go
i feel like i try too hard at this thing. in the end it all backfires and i end up with some nonsensical journal entry that vaguely resembles the scrawls of a....blithering idiot. i've been reading random people's journals. it always fills me with an absurd feeling--hope. if i find someone whose words that i find intriguing in some way, somehow, i piece together the friendship that could be. &then, i close the page. those are the best ones, the undemanding ones.
i'm being cynical though. spending this weekend with my brother and my sister-in-law has emphasized to me how much that i don't know/remember about my brother. it's been a year or so since the last time i've seen him, but it might as well have been ten. i suppose that it reminded me that nothing is eternal and everything changes. of course i already am aware of this, but so often i allow myself to look past it and expect events to change, but never people. an old friend of mine used to expect that of me--i would hate a band one week, then actually give them a try &start to love them. she would always critisize me for that.
but that has nothing to do with anything anymore. okay so i'm touching on nostalgia as well as cynicism. normally that would be a deadly combination in me, since i'm a depression magnet, but as you can see i'm not suicidal or anything. not that i ever do get suicidal. it's too much work to think of deadly scenarios that i don't have the guts to go through with anyway. i haven't had any deadly dreams of late either. i find that surprising, since for a 4 month or so period, all i was doing in my dreams was dying in some way. i guess i disproved my sister's saying that if you die in your dream, you die in real life. of course i was about 10 or so when she said that to me, so i'm sure it was just a(nother) way for her to scare me.
i remember when i was about 13 or so, my sister mentioned that my parents would eventually die. i don't remember the details of our conversation or why she even said that, but i do remember bursting into tears. somehow i was convinced that she meant that they were going to die in the near future and would not stop crying. i don't believe she's ever mentioned my parents mortality to me ever since.
but i'm home, &tired. halfway thoughtful, halfway apathetic. it works, really. along with all those previously mentioned, i'm overflowing. too many emotions to really feel one clearly, yet not enough to feel overwhelmed.
i'm being cynical though. spending this weekend with my brother and my sister-in-law has emphasized to me how much that i don't know/remember about my brother. it's been a year or so since the last time i've seen him, but it might as well have been ten. i suppose that it reminded me that nothing is eternal and everything changes. of course i already am aware of this, but so often i allow myself to look past it and expect events to change, but never people. an old friend of mine used to expect that of me--i would hate a band one week, then actually give them a try &start to love them. she would always critisize me for that.
but that has nothing to do with anything anymore. okay so i'm touching on nostalgia as well as cynicism. normally that would be a deadly combination in me, since i'm a depression magnet, but as you can see i'm not suicidal or anything. not that i ever do get suicidal. it's too much work to think of deadly scenarios that i don't have the guts to go through with anyway. i haven't had any deadly dreams of late either. i find that surprising, since for a 4 month or so period, all i was doing in my dreams was dying in some way. i guess i disproved my sister's saying that if you die in your dream, you die in real life. of course i was about 10 or so when she said that to me, so i'm sure it was just a(nother) way for her to scare me.
i remember when i was about 13 or so, my sister mentioned that my parents would eventually die. i don't remember the details of our conversation or why she even said that, but i do remember bursting into tears. somehow i was convinced that she meant that they were going to die in the near future and would not stop crying. i don't believe she's ever mentioned my parents mortality to me ever since.
but i'm home, &tired. halfway thoughtful, halfway apathetic. it works, really. along with all those previously mentioned, i'm overflowing. too many emotions to really feel one clearly, yet not enough to feel overwhelmed.