The Evil Random and Angst of a Tiny Demon
I'm back and we've got a WTF fic here.
Title: Black Ribbon
Culprit Author's Name: darkest-of-Angels
Rating:
Full Name: Lily
Species: Demon of some sort or a very weird looking human
Hair Color: "Her black hair flowing around her waist, with deep purple locks running threw out her hair"
Eye Color: "silver eyes as emotionless as always"
Markings: Sharp claws on her hands
Possessions: Black crap and various knives and a katana
Origin: The pit of Mary Sue Hell
Connections to Canon: Employed by Sensui for no other reason than because she could be. Oh, and tries to assassinate our four fave boys.
Special Abilities: "She was a very fast runner and well trained demon couldn’t see her if they had tried" and the ability to mouth off to Kurama who should've killed her to begin with.
Pros: Some words are spelled correctly and no paragraphs of doom.
Cons: Angst and complete OOCness. Sensui is in this for some odd reason and I still haven't figured out why. Some words are misspelled in places and there are times when it just doesn't make sense. Lily is just a giant Sue with angst all over her should've died in the first chapter but didn't. The boys don't kill her but sort of trust her even though she tried to kill them. It feels boring. For some reason, I feel she's going to die soon so I'm happy with that.
Sample:
She was left in the middle of the Makai forest Why? with no ties to her past, no last name. Of course.
The only thing she had was the longing of the love of a mother and father. She has never lived with anybody she has never had any contact with even a demon, Only the rats loved her. So much in fact, they ate her. the fact that she was able to stay hidden even remained a mystery to her self. Why did she want to be hidden?
It’s been 10 years since my parents left me in the forest, its been 8 years since he found me Wait a minute...later, it says she was three when she was lost in the forest. She was one when she was thrown out so...she should be dead. Lily thought to her self. She was currently looking out of balcony window.
She was remembering the day he found her.
Flash back No! Not Flashbacks!
Little Lily was aimlessly wondering around the forest, just walking like always
Nothing ever changes Will any one ever care for me, will any one ever even notice that I’m alive she thought to her self . What the hell is wrong with these authors? She can’t remember how long its been since she has eaten or changed her clothes, even at the age of three, she was wiser that most adults. Dammit, another "I'm smarter than you" Sue
She never stopped walking, silently prying for someone, and as if Kami was sending her a message, a tall man walked out of the bushes. One mite There was a mite on him? think he were a girl Die suethor! if it weren’t for his muscle, he had brown eyes and long black hair pulled into a pony tail.
At first he didn’t seem to notice that she was even there, so she continued walking think he was just another passer bye, but he walked right up to her “What are you doing out her on your own child?” he questioned in a harsh tone “I-I-I don’t know.” she stuttered What happened to punctuation?
“What do you mean you don’t know? Where are you parents?” he continued glaring at her “ I don’t know, they left me here.” he’s glare softened a little “How long have you been out here?” he face hardened once more “I don’t know.” she was getting ready to walk away but he stopped her.
“You will come stay with me.” he ordered rather than asked No! They got Sensui! *cries* “O-o-ok sir.” she looked up at him trying to decide whether or not to trust him “You are to call me Sensui-sama.” he turned and walked away.
End flash back
She focused on the rain outside, she always loved the rain of course its hard not to, it so refreshing and free, just falling with no wee unparticular to go. ...what? Her concentration was broken when a maid walked in her room “Lily-sama, Lord Sensui request your presents in his study.” Why is Sensui a Lord? Lily turned to the maid with an icy glare, and walk out the door not saying anything.
What could he want now, I didn’t do anything. Unless he has another mission for me.
She thought stopping in front of a large oak door.
She lightly tapped the door and entered after hearing a faint “You may enter”
“Sensui-sama you requested my presents?” she bowed
“Yes I did, I have another mission for you.” she lightly shied What the hell does that mean?
“For you mission you will have to travel only a little out of the territory, when you get there you will encounter four boys two Ningen and two Demons, when you find them I want you to kill them. That's a bigass sentence. Why is Sensui in the Makai? Do you under stand me?” she gently nodded “Yes sir.”
“Good now go get changed, then leave.” he dismissed her. Why the hell does she need to change?
How did I get stuck living with such a jerk, but then he was the only one who noticed me
She argued with her self Schizophrenia! all the way the her room. When she got to her room she stepped over to a large wardrobe and pulled out baggy black pants, a tight black tank top, a big black hoddie, and soft soled black combat boots. Goth wannabe
She gently slipped off her black silk kimono and put on the clothes.
She looked at her self in the mirror after pulling on her clothes.
Her black hair flowing around her waist, with deep purple locks running threw out her hair. Her hair was thrown? Her silver eyes as emotionless as always. That didn't make any sense She had a very slim figure she never ate only when she had to. Anorexic too, is there any more angst here? She was also very short, about 4”0. Only people suffering from dwarfism are that tall at about 15...but, then again, I cannot tell how old she is. Sharp deadly claws adorned her hands, ready to strike.
After she got dressed she pulled out her weapons which consisted of one katana. So, she had weaponS but only one katana?
Her katana was made from the strongest silver, Which is still pretty weak in itself. Why do you think that silver is never used for fighting? so sharp it could cut clean threw brick. I'd love to see silver cut through brick. I'd like to see something cut cleanly through brick.
It had a silver handle that had tiger carved into it, but no one ever saw that detail because the handle was wrapped in black cloth. ...okayyy.
Her next weapon was a dagger that strapped to her arm, just a simple plain dagger
Finally was a pair of last resort knives she usually got the job done with her katana but just incase she ever need it her had them.
When she finished getting ready she went out to her balcony and jumped off the three story balcony, and broke every bone in her body and died when a demon came and ate her. but landing gracefully and quietly on the ground, then she ran off towards the location.
Title: Black Ribbon
Culprit Author's Name: darkest-of-Angels
Rating:
Full Name: Lily
Species: Demon of some sort or a very weird looking human
Hair Color: "Her black hair flowing around her waist, with deep purple locks running threw out her hair"
Eye Color: "silver eyes as emotionless as always"
Markings: Sharp claws on her hands
Possessions: Black crap and various knives and a katana
Origin: The pit of Mary Sue Hell
Connections to Canon: Employed by Sensui for no other reason than because she could be. Oh, and tries to assassinate our four fave boys.
Special Abilities: "She was a very fast runner and well trained demon couldn’t see her if they had tried" and the ability to mouth off to Kurama who should've killed her to begin with.
Pros: Some words are spelled correctly and no paragraphs of doom.
Cons: Angst and complete OOCness. Sensui is in this for some odd reason and I still haven't figured out why. Some words are misspelled in places and there are times when it just doesn't make sense. Lily is just a giant Sue with angst all over her should've died in the first chapter but didn't. The boys don't kill her but sort of trust her even though she tried to kill them. It feels boring. For some reason, I feel she's going to die soon so I'm happy with that.
Sample:
She was left in the middle of the Makai forest Why? with no ties to her past, no last name. Of course.
The only thing she had was the longing of the love of a mother and father. She has never lived with anybody she has never had any contact with even a demon, Only the rats loved her. So much in fact, they ate her. the fact that she was able to stay hidden even remained a mystery to her self. Why did she want to be hidden?
It’s been 10 years since my parents left me in the forest, its been 8 years since he found me Wait a minute...later, it says she was three when she was lost in the forest. She was one when she was thrown out so...she should be dead. Lily thought to her self. She was currently looking out of balcony window.
She was remembering the day he found her.
Flash back No! Not Flashbacks!
Little Lily was aimlessly wondering around the forest, just walking like always
Nothing ever changes Will any one ever care for me, will any one ever even notice that I’m alive she thought to her self . What the hell is wrong with these authors? She can’t remember how long its been since she has eaten or changed her clothes, even at the age of three, she was wiser that most adults. Dammit, another "I'm smarter than you" Sue
She never stopped walking, silently prying for someone, and as if Kami was sending her a message, a tall man walked out of the bushes. One mite There was a mite on him? think he were a girl Die suethor! if it weren’t for his muscle, he had brown eyes and long black hair pulled into a pony tail.
At first he didn’t seem to notice that she was even there, so she continued walking think he was just another passer bye, but he walked right up to her “What are you doing out her on your own child?” he questioned in a harsh tone “I-I-I don’t know.” she stuttered What happened to punctuation?
“What do you mean you don’t know? Where are you parents?” he continued glaring at her “ I don’t know, they left me here.” he’s glare softened a little “How long have you been out here?” he face hardened once more “I don’t know.” she was getting ready to walk away but he stopped her.
“You will come stay with me.” he ordered rather than asked No! They got Sensui! *cries* “O-o-ok sir.” she looked up at him trying to decide whether or not to trust him “You are to call me Sensui-sama.” he turned and walked away.
End flash back
She focused on the rain outside, she always loved the rain of course its hard not to, it so refreshing and free, just falling with no wee unparticular to go. ...what? Her concentration was broken when a maid walked in her room “Lily-sama, Lord Sensui request your presents in his study.” Why is Sensui a Lord? Lily turned to the maid with an icy glare, and walk out the door not saying anything.
What could he want now, I didn’t do anything. Unless he has another mission for me.
She thought stopping in front of a large oak door.
She lightly tapped the door and entered after hearing a faint “You may enter”
“Sensui-sama you requested my presents?” she bowed
“Yes I did, I have another mission for you.” she lightly shied What the hell does that mean?
“For you mission you will have to travel only a little out of the territory, when you get there you will encounter four boys two Ningen and two Demons, when you find them I want you to kill them. That's a bigass sentence. Why is Sensui in the Makai? Do you under stand me?” she gently nodded “Yes sir.”
“Good now go get changed, then leave.” he dismissed her. Why the hell does she need to change?
How did I get stuck living with such a jerk, but then he was the only one who noticed me
She argued with her self Schizophrenia! all the way the her room. When she got to her room she stepped over to a large wardrobe and pulled out baggy black pants, a tight black tank top, a big black hoddie, and soft soled black combat boots. Goth wannabe
She gently slipped off her black silk kimono and put on the clothes.
She looked at her self in the mirror after pulling on her clothes.
Her black hair flowing around her waist, with deep purple locks running threw out her hair. Her hair was thrown? Her silver eyes as emotionless as always. That didn't make any sense She had a very slim figure she never ate only when she had to. Anorexic too, is there any more angst here? She was also very short, about 4”0. Only people suffering from dwarfism are that tall at about 15...but, then again, I cannot tell how old she is. Sharp deadly claws adorned her hands, ready to strike.
After she got dressed she pulled out her weapons which consisted of one katana. So, she had weaponS but only one katana?
Her katana was made from the strongest silver, Which is still pretty weak in itself. Why do you think that silver is never used for fighting? so sharp it could cut clean threw brick. I'd love to see silver cut through brick. I'd like to see something cut cleanly through brick.
It had a silver handle that had tiger carved into it, but no one ever saw that detail because the handle was wrapped in black cloth. ...okayyy.
Her next weapon was a dagger that strapped to her arm, just a simple plain dagger
Finally was a pair of last resort knives she usually got the job done with her katana but just incase she ever need it her had them.
When she finished getting ready she went out to her balcony and jumped off the three story balcony, and broke every bone in her body and died when a demon came and ate her. but landing gracefully and quietly on the ground, then she ran off towards the location.