The Short and Choppy Sentences of a Sue. Poor Hiei's Soul
I will be gone this weekend so I'm updating for Friday, Saturday, and Sunday today. I will be back Monday to spork more Sues and have more fun...burning my eyes out.
Title: Demon Heart
Culprit Author's Name: Yuya Miba
Rating:
Full Name: Kira
Species: Human I think
Hair Color: Don't know
Eye Color:Don't know
Markings: None that I know of
Possessions: Hiei's shirt...and several bits of our boys' souls and non-beating hearts (demon hearts don't beat for some odd reason). And...Hiei's twins...*weeps on the floor*
Origin: The lowest layer of Mary Sue Hell.
Connections to Canon: Bunch of demons appear, attack Sue, Hiei appears out of nowhere, saves Sue, leaves Sue, comes back, leaves with Sue, and takes Sue as mate. All within two chapters. *convulses violently*
Special Abilities: Can steal Hiei's heart and hold it for ransom.
Pros: Spelling. That's about it.
Cons: OMFG. I can't stand to read it after chapter one. The sentences are usually short and blunt, barely any real description. There's just loads of canon-rapage and OOCness in it that it burns to look at. Hiei is totally off in character, the girl is just weak and there for no other reason than to be there, and it's just WTF? Please, kill it. Slowly and painfully preferably.
Sample:
Kira ran into their old shed. The creatures banged against it. The door was about to bust open. Use Mister Comma. She screamed as it Who's it? did and the creatures came in after her.
She pushed through them and ran out. There were too many. They swarmed over her and started biting her. Biting, not eating, biting. Damn demons. They must have sore mouths if they don't eat her. She thought for sure she was going to die when they suddenly stopped. She looked up and nearly fainted. I wish she was dead but that's just my opinion.
Standing before her was a man so gorgeous it could have burned your eyes out. I think that's the longest sentence here. Oh, and this fic has already burnt my eyes out. He was short. He had black hair with a white streak going across the front. A head band was on his forehead. What the hell is up with these small sentences that could be combined with a simple comma? But the weirdest thing of all was that she had seen him before. This was Hiei from her favorite TV show YuYu Hakusho! Hiei: Goddammit! I told Koenma no fangirls! She passed out. Too bad she didn't die of shock.
Hiei picked up the human girl and took her into the house. Two more humans, Hiei guessed her grandparents, came inside with them. And they don't question anything because? They had only a few scratches. The girl though, was bleeding pretty badly. Hiei took her to a back room. As opposed to the one he was just in?
When he opened the door he was shocked. There wasn't a bit of wall left. It was covered in posters of him! Damn, even I don't have that much Hiei stuff. Not yet anyways. *shifty eyes* The ceiling was filled with posters of Kurama and Yoko Youko Kurama. What is this? Tense change.
Hiei took off his shirt and wrapped it around the girl's cut. *eyes wide* NO! I want his shirt! *snarls and rips Sue to shreds to get it* I guess I'll stay here for a while, maybe a week, to see if those demons come back. I wonder why they came after these people......No! Canon-rapage! Hiei hates humans! Why, Gods? Why?
Kira opened her eyes to see Hiei staring down at her. I wish that happened to me. *coughs* She looked down and noticed that he had taken off his shirt to bandage her. As opposed to finding bandages? And where the hell are her grandparents? Her face turned red as she stared at his chest. He has a nice amount of muscle... Kira! You are so stupid! You're blushing! She turned her head in embarassment. Hell, I'd be hoping he wouldn't burn me to death first off.
It had been a week and Hiei was going to leave. Finally, the bastard. Staying at someone else's house for a frickin' week. Kira had woke up to find him gone. Probably didn't want to see her again. She ran out of the house and to the place Hiei had shown her the portal was. ...And this was revealed when? She got there as he was stepping toward it.
"Hiei!" She yelled, crying. "Wait!" I want to have your babies!
"Kira, what are you doing here?" He asked when she reached him. Dammit! I thought I killed her!
"I- uh- You left this she said, holding out his shirt. Moron! Keep the shirt!
"Keep it until I come back next time." He said. "There's going to be more demons." He knows this how? He got closer to the portal.
"Hiei!" She called. "I-I've always loved you." Damn Sue, stealing the fangirls' dreams...not that I'm one...*coughs*
"Goodbye." He walked through the portal and it closed.
kira cried. She felt so insignificant that she didn't capitalize her name anymore. He better come back! I'll die if he dosen't...I'll cry myself to death. Good, do us all a favor.
Title: Demon Heart
Culprit Author's Name: Yuya Miba
Rating:
Full Name: Kira
Species: Human I think
Hair Color: Don't know
Eye Color:Don't know
Markings: None that I know of
Possessions: Hiei's shirt...and several bits of our boys' souls and non-beating hearts (demon hearts don't beat for some odd reason). And...Hiei's twins...*weeps on the floor*
Origin: The lowest layer of Mary Sue Hell.
Connections to Canon: Bunch of demons appear, attack Sue, Hiei appears out of nowhere, saves Sue, leaves Sue, comes back, leaves with Sue, and takes Sue as mate. All within two chapters. *convulses violently*
Special Abilities: Can steal Hiei's heart and hold it for ransom.
Pros: Spelling. That's about it.
Cons: OMFG. I can't stand to read it after chapter one. The sentences are usually short and blunt, barely any real description. There's just loads of canon-rapage and OOCness in it that it burns to look at. Hiei is totally off in character, the girl is just weak and there for no other reason than to be there, and it's just WTF? Please, kill it. Slowly and painfully preferably.
Sample:
Kira ran into their old shed. The creatures banged against it. The door was about to bust open. Use Mister Comma. She screamed as it Who's it? did and the creatures came in after her.
She pushed through them and ran out. There were too many. They swarmed over her and started biting her. Biting, not eating, biting. Damn demons. They must have sore mouths if they don't eat her. She thought for sure she was going to die when they suddenly stopped. She looked up and nearly fainted. I wish she was dead but that's just my opinion.
Standing before her was a man so gorgeous it could have burned your eyes out. I think that's the longest sentence here. Oh, and this fic has already burnt my eyes out. He was short. He had black hair with a white streak going across the front. A head band was on his forehead. What the hell is up with these small sentences that could be combined with a simple comma? But the weirdest thing of all was that she had seen him before. This was Hiei from her favorite TV show YuYu Hakusho! Hiei: Goddammit! I told Koenma no fangirls! She passed out. Too bad she didn't die of shock.
Hiei picked up the human girl and took her into the house. Two more humans, Hiei guessed her grandparents, came inside with them. And they don't question anything because? They had only a few scratches. The girl though, was bleeding pretty badly. Hiei took her to a back room. As opposed to the one he was just in?
When he opened the door he was shocked. There wasn't a bit of wall left. It was covered in posters of him! Damn, even I don't have that much Hiei stuff. Not yet anyways. *shifty eyes* The ceiling was filled with posters of Kurama and Yoko Youko Kurama. What is this? Tense change.
Hiei took off his shirt and wrapped it around the girl's cut. *eyes wide* NO! I want his shirt! *snarls and rips Sue to shreds to get it* I guess I'll stay here for a while, maybe a week, to see if those demons come back. I wonder why they came after these people......No! Canon-rapage! Hiei hates humans! Why, Gods? Why?
Kira opened her eyes to see Hiei staring down at her. I wish that happened to me. *coughs* She looked down and noticed that he had taken off his shirt to bandage her. As opposed to finding bandages? And where the hell are her grandparents? Her face turned red as she stared at his chest. He has a nice amount of muscle... Kira! You are so stupid! You're blushing! She turned her head in embarassment. Hell, I'd be hoping he wouldn't burn me to death first off.
It had been a week and Hiei was going to leave. Finally, the bastard. Staying at someone else's house for a frickin' week. Kira had woke up to find him gone. Probably didn't want to see her again. She ran out of the house and to the place Hiei had shown her the portal was. ...And this was revealed when? She got there as he was stepping toward it.
"Hiei!" She yelled, crying. "Wait!" I want to have your babies!
"Kira, what are you doing here?" He asked when she reached him. Dammit! I thought I killed her!
"I- uh- You left this she said, holding out his shirt. Moron! Keep the shirt!
"Keep it until I come back next time." He said. "There's going to be more demons." He knows this how? He got closer to the portal.
"Hiei!" She called. "I-I've always loved you." Damn Sue, stealing the fangirls' dreams...not that I'm one...*coughs*
"Goodbye." He walked through the portal and it closed.
kira cried. She felt so insignificant that she didn't capitalize her name anymore. He better come back! I'll die if he dosen't...I'll cry myself to death. Good, do us all a favor.