The TSA's a bunch of bureaucrats
Well, a response to my initial complaint has arrived. Just a few days after I sent my initial complaint some TSA automaton sent me an email instructing me to fill out the attached forms (in PDF) and reiterate my complaint in that. I should send the complaint, and the monetary amount for which I am complaining, and wait for it to be processed.
Ah, but to speak to a human there, just once.
Among the many instructions were these ten helpful hints:
- Purchase receipt of the ORIGINAL item lost or damaged. (If unavailable credit card statements, bank statements, or sworn written statement)
(are they kidding me? Besides just me, who in the world holds on to receipts for all their property? What if the stolen item was hand-made?) - Boarding Passes
(Hm, guess I shouldn’t have thrown that away, like any normal person who’s finished a trip would) - Repair Estimates (if unable to repair a statement from the estimator)
(You can’t repair a broken ego) - Replacement Estimates
(Ahh, here’s where things get interesting. I can make a claim for the two condoms, but the money I would receive would not allow me to replace those condoms, as I can’t just go and get two, at least, without heading to some specialty store, like a porn shop. I’m sure the TSA wouldn’t want me to do that. So I am going to request the cost of whatever the lowest package amount of condoms would be, like six or twelve. This seems fair and reasonable to me, particularly since I have been inconvenienced on the government’s behalf) - Photographs of lost/damaged items (past or present)
(Damn, now where did I put my condom scrapbook? What useful purpose does this serve to anyone? If someone reports a missing ring they can easily go to any department store, try on a ring, snap a photo, and voila - proof of ownership. This is nothing more than yet another bureaucratic hoop for we monkeys to jump through) - Police, Witness, or Incident Reports (if applicable)
(Yes, because when I’m opening my checked bag in the airport after it’s come down the carousel and notice something missing, I’m going to report… hey, wait a minute! Who files reports at the airport for stolen property from a suitcase?) - Airline/Other company claim reports
(Again, if your beef is with the TSA, you go complain to the TSA! Why do they recommend you report missing goods to the airline?) - Avoid incorrect acronyms (do not use DIA for Denver Int’l airport)
(OMG, this is going to be hard, LOL) - Fill out the claim form completely (front and back). Blanks may delay your claim
(Um, you gave me a PDF. When I printed, there was only one side on each sheet, unless… oh my God, the paper now has two sides - the magic of government!) - Submit a claim immediately. Delay in filing a claim can make gathering information difficult or inaccurate
(Yeah, this is a good tip. However, according to other sheets they gave me, you have up to two years after the incident, or noticing that your property is gone, to file a claim. I guess that, the longer you wait, the less chance they have in calling you a liar due to your not having supporting evidence to your claim.)
So, I’ll be sending this puppy off soon. I expect to be shortchanged on my condoms, in which case I will fight for the full amount I demand. I apologize in advance for wasting your tax dollars, but there’s something about this, about the brazenness of someone taking someone else’s property and thinking that their government shield will protect them, that bothers the hell out of me.
I sure they’ll have learned their lesson by the time I’m through with them.