(no subject)

[hidnundrxterior]

So as you can tell this week has been a pretty emotionally draining week. One day felt like a full week, arg. Unfortunitly things still suck and I dont know how they are going to be fixed. I feel pretty guilty and I wish I could express that but I also dont think that I should have to take the blame for everything. I know you dont know what I am talking about but dont worry, its probaby a good thing. I hate that this is kinda takin down the people around me also. I can tell God is tryin to be like Laura, I am here, draw close to me...but for some reason I cant. I know that he is doing this because of all the little God things people say who dont even know that anything is going on. Also, a good dear friend sent me a sweet website thing today it is: http://www.andiesisle.com/icanonlyimagine.html He doesnt usually send that type of stuff to me and he didnt know anything was going on either. I didnt go to CRU last night and I didnt go to Chapel till prolly 20/30 min. into it. I ended up going because after that website thing I knew God was trying to get at me so I finally gave in. The message was spoken by some of my very good friends and it was all about storms both literally and metaphorically. The metaphorical storm applied to me, of course. So this whole time I've been feeling like God is not here and he should be stepping in to change things and should not have let this happen. But then the message tonight kinda hit me. God is not in the storm, he is in the silence and the rebuilding. Its tough but now I am just trying to put my faith in Him that everything will turn out okay and for the best. I wish You (probably not you being the reader, dont worrry) could see how much this is hurting me and how much I care and how badly I want this to be fixed. Your friendship means so much to me but I don tknow how to tell you that and I dont know what is right.

p.s. ....sorrry that this entry is probably pretty much completely confusing to you but since I dont write in actual journals...this is it for me.