BLAH!!!

[hidingwhileicry]

I don’t even know what to say to anyone anymore, I’m just kind of blank. Like i all think about is what would anyone think if I told them that I have suicidal tendencies, or that I’m the not the happy go lucky person that they think that I am, or I’m just hiding what I really feel. I know that looks can be deceiving but I believe that a lot of people wouldn’t remember if I told them who I really am. I’m sure that I would just be another shadow to follow in their path. But its not even like that, I don’t want to follow anyone or do anything that they do. I’m so much better than that, or so I thought. I think I just need someone to listen to me, while I unwind my mind. But yet I cant even do that, cuz after a while someone gets so close to me, I just ball up and not tell them things like I use to. I’m just so complex I don’t even know what to say to myself. I believe that my worst fear right now is someone to bring up Valentines Day and me just start crying and have to walk out of the classroom. None of them really know on how much my Grandpa meant to me, he was my father, I couldn’t stress that enough. He wasn’t just any ordinary g-pa, he was mine and he protected me. I was his lil girl and he knew that. I don’t know, I really don’t.

Anyway, I started writing again last night, I started writing another poem, but I’ll post that someday once I finish it. I know that if I a lot of people would read this that they wouldn’t think the things that they now. They would be very surprised that I, Rachell, the happy go lucky one, who always looked happy, has ever been so down.

But I’m in class right now, so I kinda gotta get off the computer before the teacher sees me, so until later!!