The Circular Flow
I tried to put this to a halt.
And for quite some time, I succeeded. Yet now, my resistance begin to falter. Perhaps, it has already faltered.
I don't know what good this brings. Neither do I know if it will cause me bad, or in a more precise word - pain. More pain, rather. But then, running away and being elusive to my own issues are not the best ways to win over such tragedy. Like one quotes, "The only way to overcome fears is to face them." From here, I came to a realization that no matter how I try hiding what I feel from my own self won't exactly put me into a deep sleep where no haunting memories occur. So here I am now... Staring at the computer screen, and once again, putting my emotions into a written articulation.
And now, I begin.
It has always been a circular flow, but I actually do not know where it begins. More interactions cause me to find interest in him. What kind of interest? I don't really know. But I try to put limits around my space. Limits, in the sense that I shall not exceed the 'Just Friends' feeling towards him. Unfortunately, our best interactions stop or come to a pause when she enters the scenario, not just once but almost too many times. And from there, a mixture of bitter, angst and jealousy stir together within my stomach which creates a huge impediment in our friendship. And feeling that mixture arouses my brain to think over and over again what I have towards him... whether I have fallen into that "Pit" again or if it is just a normal, shallow thing that is almost too frivolous to ponder on. Then, I build up distance between us which once again saddens me. Such sadness now triggers my conscience and blames my own self for jeopardizing a friendship like that just because of my lame-oh reasons. So, I once again efface the distance and bridge us together again, the way we usually are- Good Friends. From here, the circulation repeats itself.
So guess where I'm situated now?
Between the sensation of that ugly mixture and my pre-construction of the 'Distance'.
Upon contemplating on this, I guess I won't continue the unhealthy construction anymore.
The point of this entry? I don't know. AGAIN. But I'm glad I did write it, because seeing my heartbeat typed in black and white cleared my mind tonight.
Yeahh. I'm glad I did.
And for quite some time, I succeeded. Yet now, my resistance begin to falter. Perhaps, it has already faltered.
I don't know what good this brings. Neither do I know if it will cause me bad, or in a more precise word - pain. More pain, rather. But then, running away and being elusive to my own issues are not the best ways to win over such tragedy. Like one quotes, "The only way to overcome fears is to face them." From here, I came to a realization that no matter how I try hiding what I feel from my own self won't exactly put me into a deep sleep where no haunting memories occur. So here I am now... Staring at the computer screen, and once again, putting my emotions into a written articulation.
And now, I begin.
It has always been a circular flow, but I actually do not know where it begins. More interactions cause me to find interest in him. What kind of interest? I don't really know. But I try to put limits around my space. Limits, in the sense that I shall not exceed the 'Just Friends' feeling towards him. Unfortunately, our best interactions stop or come to a pause when she enters the scenario, not just once but almost too many times. And from there, a mixture of bitter, angst and jealousy stir together within my stomach which creates a huge impediment in our friendship. And feeling that mixture arouses my brain to think over and over again what I have towards him... whether I have fallen into that "Pit" again or if it is just a normal, shallow thing that is almost too frivolous to ponder on. Then, I build up distance between us which once again saddens me. Such sadness now triggers my conscience and blames my own self for jeopardizing a friendship like that just because of my lame-oh reasons. So, I once again efface the distance and bridge us together again, the way we usually are- Good Friends. From here, the circulation repeats itself.
So guess where I'm situated now?
Between the sensation of that ugly mixture and my pre-construction of the 'Distance'.
Upon contemplating on this, I guess I won't continue the unhealthy construction anymore.
The point of this entry? I don't know. AGAIN. But I'm glad I did write it, because seeing my heartbeat typed in black and white cleared my mind tonight.
Yeahh. I'm glad I did.