and would you care to explain yourself, young man?
October 20, 1996
Dear Rachel,
It's a beautiful day outside, and I find myself wishing that we could have spent this morning doing something fun like looking for golf balls in the creek at Brookside Park instead of me waiting around here and you being in school not very far from me. Then I think of all the other beautiful days that have passed with you in one place and me in another and realize that time, precious time, is something that I have squandered a lot of in my life.
Not that wasting time is always a bad thing to do … I have always felt that when it comes to "stopping and smelling the roses" some time can be "wasted" in a very valuable manner, and indeed I have often felt sorry for those people that we meet that are pushing so hard to make every minute of their life count as one more step toward some important goal in their life that they never give themselves the opportunity to relax and enjoy life' s most simple pleasures … like holding their daughter on their lap and listening to her chatter away about little things that are important to her …..
I have certainly "wasted" plenty of time in my life that would have been better spent talking, laughing, and walking with you; I am now in a position where the luxury of times like that will be something that I will have to work very hard to arrange. I am sorry that there is a four-hour drive between you and me, I wish that we lived a lot closer to each other. We will have to just see if we can't make the best out of what is available to us as far as our opportunities to get together with each other.
You know, you should really think about 3 things:
1. Getting organized at school so that the flurry of notes home stops.
2. Keeping your room clean.
3. Always get the things that you have to do out of the way first, so that you can do things like talk on the computer with me and spend time with me when I come to see you.
Anyway, work on those three things really hard until they happen almost all by themselves without you even having to think much about them, much less having Mom have to constantly remind you of them … then maybe we can pretend that you are getting a lot better at taking care of those things partly because you are so happy to be seeing your Dad! Who knows … maybe everybody would be dying to get us together!!
Anyway, your Mom is here. Bye Rachel … see you in just a little while.
I love you.
Dad
---------------
wow. looking back...it bothers me more now than it did back then.
although i guess i was too young to care.
the billionth time around, it's starting to make sense..i know i should have noticed it before.
maybe i wouldn't have hung on to my foolish, immature hopes for so long. i cannot conceive of any other explanation.
things i've learned from this letter:
1)if your "DAD" can't spell your name right, he doesn't really like you.
2)grownups have mastered bullshitting little kids.
3)when they try to impart their accumulated wisdom 'thus far' upon you, and you can't trust them to spell your name right, it's not worth knowing.
4)boys lie.
5)"i love you" has to mean something different and/or completely opposite in some other language.
and of course,
6)"see you in a little while" in fact, does not mean.. "see you in a little while". in all actuality, it really means, "i drove 4 hours to see your mother and then leave before you got home from school even after writing this incredibly 'deep, heartfelt' letter to you, who i supposedly love so much, although i have not cared to contact you since your mother gave birth to you, you little bastard girl..
i haven't talked to you since before you wrote this letter, so:
peter clayton, please rot in hell.
love always,
your little bastard girl.
Dear Rachel,
It's a beautiful day outside, and I find myself wishing that we could have spent this morning doing something fun like looking for golf balls in the creek at Brookside Park instead of me waiting around here and you being in school not very far from me. Then I think of all the other beautiful days that have passed with you in one place and me in another and realize that time, precious time, is something that I have squandered a lot of in my life.
Not that wasting time is always a bad thing to do … I have always felt that when it comes to "stopping and smelling the roses" some time can be "wasted" in a very valuable manner, and indeed I have often felt sorry for those people that we meet that are pushing so hard to make every minute of their life count as one more step toward some important goal in their life that they never give themselves the opportunity to relax and enjoy life' s most simple pleasures … like holding their daughter on their lap and listening to her chatter away about little things that are important to her …..
I have certainly "wasted" plenty of time in my life that would have been better spent talking, laughing, and walking with you; I am now in a position where the luxury of times like that will be something that I will have to work very hard to arrange. I am sorry that there is a four-hour drive between you and me, I wish that we lived a lot closer to each other. We will have to just see if we can't make the best out of what is available to us as far as our opportunities to get together with each other.
You know, you should really think about 3 things:
1. Getting organized at school so that the flurry of notes home stops.
2. Keeping your room clean.
3. Always get the things that you have to do out of the way first, so that you can do things like talk on the computer with me and spend time with me when I come to see you.
Anyway, work on those three things really hard until they happen almost all by themselves without you even having to think much about them, much less having Mom have to constantly remind you of them … then maybe we can pretend that you are getting a lot better at taking care of those things partly because you are so happy to be seeing your Dad! Who knows … maybe everybody would be dying to get us together!!
Anyway, your Mom is here. Bye Rachel … see you in just a little while.
I love you.
Dad
---------------
wow. looking back...it bothers me more now than it did back then.
although i guess i was too young to care.
the billionth time around, it's starting to make sense..i know i should have noticed it before.
maybe i wouldn't have hung on to my foolish, immature hopes for so long. i cannot conceive of any other explanation.
things i've learned from this letter:
1)if your "DAD" can't spell your name right, he doesn't really like you.
2)grownups have mastered bullshitting little kids.
3)when they try to impart their accumulated wisdom 'thus far' upon you, and you can't trust them to spell your name right, it's not worth knowing.
4)boys lie.
5)"i love you" has to mean something different and/or completely opposite in some other language.
and of course,
6)"see you in a little while" in fact, does not mean.. "see you in a little while". in all actuality, it really means, "i drove 4 hours to see your mother and then leave before you got home from school even after writing this incredibly 'deep, heartfelt' letter to you, who i supposedly love so much, although i have not cared to contact you since your mother gave birth to you, you little bastard girl..
i haven't talked to you since before you wrote this letter, so:
peter clayton, please rot in hell.
love always,
your little bastard girl.