In The Name of That Which We Love
I've often wondered what one would sacrifice in order to fulfill their passion. Would they stop at the first road block? Or would they continue forward, sacrificing time, energy, and all other interests? Would they put their safety in question? Their life?
Just the other week 4 LE officers were shot while on duty. Three died and one landed in the hospital, clinically brain dead. Basically that means he's alive only because there are machines working for him. It's only a matter of when his family decides to let him go. I read these stories and I wonder, what am I getting myself into. What have I agreed to risk in order to obtain something I want or need? And do I even have what's required to take on such a challenge? A teacher once told me that most who go into Law Enforcement have what's classified as a 'Type A' personality. Not knowing what exactly this meant I looked it up and came across this explanation:
Type A individuals can be described as impatient, excessively time-conscious, insecure about their status, highly competitive, hostile and aggressive, and incapable of relaxation.[1] They are often high achieving workaholics who multi-task, drive themselves with deadlines, and are unhappy about the smallest of delays. Because of these characteristics, Type A individuals are often described as "stress junkies."
Symptoms of Type A Behavior[2]
- An intrinsic insecurity or insufficient level of self-esteem, which is considered to be the root cause of the syndrome. This is believed to be covert and therefore less observable.
- Time urgency and impatience, which causes irritation and exasperation.
- Free floating hostility, which can be triggered by even minor incidents.
and though it may not be apparent to many people who I meet and socialize with, I tend to fall in with many of these qualifications. I don't know if that makes me feel better or not. I think in a way it does, at least in part when it comes to battling insecurity. After all, it's all spelled out right there. I can easily reassure myself that my personality matches the 'norm' for such a career choice. And I tell myself that so many people before me have walked this very same road, and so many of them must have worried and questioned...and succeeded.
And I know this is the field I belong in. There are few occasions when I've felt totally in the right place. When I've known that being part of 'that' group was where I belonged. But I can feel it here, every time I go to class or think about the future past all this strife. Not only that, but I'm compelled to learn the material. It's not that I find it all overly interesting, I just WANT to know. I want to know the smallest details, the idea of having it all cataloged in my mind is a pleasing one. The only other time I feel that same desire is in pursuit of canines/dogs and their behavior. I figure this must be a sign. You can't have such a strong urge for something and have it mean nothing.
But I am so out of my mind scared. Not the type of scared that comes from watching a movie or reading a book, but the kind that makes you lay awake at night. Eyes open wide just wondering what's out there. I don't get scared easily, not to the point where it can actually be classified as fear..but this is different. Because I know the danger and I know that this isn't pretend anymore. It's not like TV or in books when the hero gets shot and survives. Things happen, people get hurt. And I just wonder sometimes how I'll handle it all when the time comes. When all the horror becomes routine, will I be left hardened and jaded? Will I forget why I wanted to work for LE to begin with? Am I strong enough to be better then the darkness that surrounds society? Can I give my life for that, can I combat the bad feelings for something that's been calling at me for years?
Yet in the end...I know the answer to all these questions. One can be a strong as they want, they can achieve anything provided they desire it enough. I know I can do this. It just doesn't make the worry go away...so I put it in words here. One day maybe I'll look back and laugh, remember what it was like to be so young and scared. And maybe I'll realize that being scared wasn't so bad after all. Maybe it's that factor that keeps one alive and human. Maybe we're all meant to be scared...because it's that which keeps up pushing for the 'better'.
I've been meaning to write this all out for awhile now. I'm not depressed or anything and it probably doesn't make much sense to anyone else...but I think it feels better having it all out in the open. It's almost reassuring, as if I'm no longer worrying on my own because the words are out there for anyone to read and see were they to look.