(no subject)
all the old feelings are swimming up again.
this morning i spent like 20 mins crying, convinced that my dad hates me again. for whatever reason he hates me. he always has this sarcastic bitchy attitude when he talks to me. its making me just ITCH to cut again.
i just found out that they're dragging me home for easter weekend so i suppose i need to keep my arms relativly blood free. this really sucks. i havnt cut since about summer when i told my mom about it and now all the old feelings are coming back sooooooo strongly, i havnt even really wanted to cut until today.
i dont really know why im so afraid of him. i guess it goes back to middle school and high school. all i wanted to hear that he loved me and was proud of me, instead he focused all his pride on emily and got the mercades all spiffed up for her to drive (and hes not going to help me in the slightest with my car that i got myself) and all he ever did was tell me what a failure i was going to become.
some of the things that he said to me (and keep in mind these are not paraphrased, these words actually came out of his mouth)
"why do you dress like that, you look like trash"
"you better keep these words in mind for your future. you want fries with that?"
"you're going to wind up asking people if they want paper or plastic."
"you're going to grow up to be a streetwalker."
"what are you stupid?"
so basically i grew up walking on eggshells around him. it seemed all the hate he felt for laura was transferred onto me when she moved out/died.
well maybe he'll feel differently when he buries his own daughter because that is EXCACTLY the state of mind he is putting me in.
this morning i spent like 20 mins crying, convinced that my dad hates me again. for whatever reason he hates me. he always has this sarcastic bitchy attitude when he talks to me. its making me just ITCH to cut again.
i just found out that they're dragging me home for easter weekend so i suppose i need to keep my arms relativly blood free. this really sucks. i havnt cut since about summer when i told my mom about it and now all the old feelings are coming back sooooooo strongly, i havnt even really wanted to cut until today.
i dont really know why im so afraid of him. i guess it goes back to middle school and high school. all i wanted to hear that he loved me and was proud of me, instead he focused all his pride on emily and got the mercades all spiffed up for her to drive (and hes not going to help me in the slightest with my car that i got myself) and all he ever did was tell me what a failure i was going to become.
some of the things that he said to me (and keep in mind these are not paraphrased, these words actually came out of his mouth)
"why do you dress like that, you look like trash"
"you better keep these words in mind for your future. you want fries with that?"
"you're going to wind up asking people if they want paper or plastic."
"you're going to grow up to be a streetwalker."
"what are you stupid?"
so basically i grew up walking on eggshells around him. it seemed all the hate he felt for laura was transferred onto me when she moved out/died.
well maybe he'll feel differently when he buries his own daughter because that is EXCACTLY the state of mind he is putting me in.