I miss so much.
I watched TOKIO's "Sorafune" PV just now.
Just watching, and listening - when I should be sleeping ahhahaa- made me wish so very badly to be back in Hiyoshi. To be back in Yokohama. To be going to school again in Tokyo. To be in Japan, where everything I have passionate interest in is at my fingertips. To watch dramas. To walk up the street to enjoy the food I like. To shop at Shibuya for CDs and doujinshi. To talk to my room mate Mari. To be speaking in Japanese, hearing Japanese, almost being Japanese. (Don't get me wrong, I am proud to be a white girl and I would never change it.)
I miss how happy I was...or how happy I think I was.
And then I chose this icon, because it's the saddest one I have.
And I'm crying.
Because I miss Saga. I miss 2003. I miss when I was at the height of my frenzied X Japan devotion. The band that has pushed me to where I am today has just been...put aside by me. I want those feelings back. When Japanese was fresh, new, exotic, exciting, fun, thrilling, and mysterious. I still have much to learn, don't get me wrong, and I still enjoy Japanese SO SO very much.
The language moves me. I can't sing along to Hani-senpai's image song because I crack up over how ridiculous the lines are ("This is Tama-chan's Kuma-chan! It's not cute at all!"). I was moved by "Sorafune" because of the imagery and the words coming together. It was like Tokyo calling out to me (the city, not the band). Or me calling out to Tokyo. Other songs make me cry, because of how much memory is in them for me - or reversely, they cheer me up. Like "Dear Woman". It never fails to raise my spirits. I might not be Japanese, but SMAP is telling me I am beautiful and I make their lives meaningful and it's important to hear that!
And I watched a video with TMR and Ryuuichi of former Luna Sea-dom playing golf with the Hey^3 duo. And it was from 1998 I think. And I was never into Luna Sea, but just looking at Ryuuichi reminded me so very badly of X. And then I look at this icon and I remember watching the part of the concert this came from.
At the time I thought it was horribly cute/erotic for two guys to be hugging. Now...Now I just cry. Because I've met one of these men. I talked to him. I don't know him no, but just the emotion...and the nostalgia...and I wish I could return to those days of passion to learn, to understand.
I feel like my purpose, my passion is gone. In truth, X Japan had been gone for many years before I discovered them. Sure, I have TMR, and I love TMR. But if I was to drop him, many, many more people would replace me.
I want to rewatch Ouran because it made me so happy to watch it.
Why am I growing up so fast? Why can't I...relive what has passed? Why can't I recapture the passion, the obsession, that has brought me this far, that has introduced me to so many new people?
What do I do with myself? Where do I go from here?
And why, why God, do I have a final tomorrow?
I am not suffering Senioritus. I'm suffering from a burn out I think. Suffering from not having time to pursue what makes me happy. And it's affecting me so very very negatively.
Tomorrow, I am watching my X Japan DVD. I am going to see if the fire's there. Or if it's totally gone. And if it's gone, who am I now? What do I do? I don't want to let go. I never want to let go. But what if I already did? What do I do?
Just watching, and listening - when I should be sleeping ahhahaa- made me wish so very badly to be back in Hiyoshi. To be back in Yokohama. To be going to school again in Tokyo. To be in Japan, where everything I have passionate interest in is at my fingertips. To watch dramas. To walk up the street to enjoy the food I like. To shop at Shibuya for CDs and doujinshi. To talk to my room mate Mari. To be speaking in Japanese, hearing Japanese, almost being Japanese. (Don't get me wrong, I am proud to be a white girl and I would never change it.)
I miss how happy I was...or how happy I think I was.
And then I chose this icon, because it's the saddest one I have.
And I'm crying.
Because I miss Saga. I miss 2003. I miss when I was at the height of my frenzied X Japan devotion. The band that has pushed me to where I am today has just been...put aside by me. I want those feelings back. When Japanese was fresh, new, exotic, exciting, fun, thrilling, and mysterious. I still have much to learn, don't get me wrong, and I still enjoy Japanese SO SO very much.
The language moves me. I can't sing along to Hani-senpai's image song because I crack up over how ridiculous the lines are ("This is Tama-chan's Kuma-chan! It's not cute at all!"). I was moved by "Sorafune" because of the imagery and the words coming together. It was like Tokyo calling out to me (the city, not the band). Or me calling out to Tokyo. Other songs make me cry, because of how much memory is in them for me - or reversely, they cheer me up. Like "Dear Woman". It never fails to raise my spirits. I might not be Japanese, but SMAP is telling me I am beautiful and I make their lives meaningful and it's important to hear that!
And I watched a video with TMR and Ryuuichi of former Luna Sea-dom playing golf with the Hey^3 duo. And it was from 1998 I think. And I was never into Luna Sea, but just looking at Ryuuichi reminded me so very badly of X. And then I look at this icon and I remember watching the part of the concert this came from.
At the time I thought it was horribly cute/erotic for two guys to be hugging. Now...Now I just cry. Because I've met one of these men. I talked to him. I don't know him no, but just the emotion...and the nostalgia...and I wish I could return to those days of passion to learn, to understand.
I feel like my purpose, my passion is gone. In truth, X Japan had been gone for many years before I discovered them. Sure, I have TMR, and I love TMR. But if I was to drop him, many, many more people would replace me.
I want to rewatch Ouran because it made me so happy to watch it.
Why am I growing up so fast? Why can't I...relive what has passed? Why can't I recapture the passion, the obsession, that has brought me this far, that has introduced me to so many new people?
What do I do with myself? Where do I go from here?
And why, why God, do I have a final tomorrow?
I am not suffering Senioritus. I'm suffering from a burn out I think. Suffering from not having time to pursue what makes me happy. And it's affecting me so very very negatively.
Tomorrow, I am watching my X Japan DVD. I am going to see if the fire's there. Or if it's totally gone. And if it's gone, who am I now? What do I do? I don't want to let go. I never want to let go. But what if I already did? What do I do?