Normal Roads
It snowed AGAIN last night but almost all the snow has melted away by now. We now have rain again! Horray for the return of normal Seattle weather! Rain isn't as cold! 8D
My snow boots ate my ankles, or more appropriately, my socks bunched up in my boots around my ankles creating open...blisters? Yeah, not fun. D=
It's cold in my room. ALL THE TIME. My hands are sad about this.
I think I am...broken inside. Like...ok, today there was a good number of cute boys on campus. (Cute in my definition is actually handsome, not as handsome as Ewan McGregor, but very good looking according to my hormones.) White boys, Asian boys, a good deal of them were cute in there "dammit it's cold!" attire. But while I think "oh he's nice/hot/cute/pretty/handsome." I never DO anything. It's like my...female genes that scream to reproduce are screaming "hot one on the radar! formation alpha go go go!" and my brain/conscience/heart? goes "what?...oh! a cute boy! O__________O!!<--freezes with uncertainty as to what to do next." By the time my head decides that maybe I should like DO something about it, the boy has passed by me and is further down the street, out of range for random stopping/random colliding. So opportunity missed. Today I felt like I missed...I dunno...5 opportunities but it felt like a hundred. Since I was in middle school I have known for the most part I am sexually attracted to men. Cocks might look weird, but that aside, I find a good looking guy hotter than a good looking girl. While I have tried, at least twice, to really tell a boy I am into him, it's been met with "OMGWTFwe're friends only!!!" or silence.(The silence I think was due to a difference in cultures...and probably age, and social ranking I guess?)I've had no dating experience. Maybe that's why I feel like a fish out of water when my body says "GET HIM!" and my brain goes "HOW?!" I don't know what to do. I guess I fear that I will look stupid, easy, weird, unattractive and will end up regretting having ever approached supposed sex god#22. It's the one area of life where I am too scared to fuck up. Because if I mess up bad enough, I will NEVER attempt it again. I also think that part of me says waiting isn't so bad, that the right guy will find me someday. But I know, logically, that if you want to be with someone, you have to try. Am I scared of trying? Or have I never really felt like trying? How will I know when I really should be stopping sex god#24 and saying "Hi, do I know you?" or some other horribly cheesy line(knowing me the first thing I would say is "Hi, I think you're really hot." and that would probably end all my chances right there because I'd sound vapid and shallow and like an easy lay.)or faking a stumble into him so I can say excuse me and try to start a conversation?
I'm...tired of feeling like I am missing out on something. I know I have plenty of friends who don't date or have no interest. I know that I really do not feel like I have the time and energy right now to have a boyfriend - I don't want the drama, I don't want to be turned away from my good school habits. But at the same time I feel this...pressure to find at least one guy who I could at least say I dated for two weeks or a month before graduating. Before becoming one of the working force.
Of course this only bothers me NOW as I am on my period. -_-; I know if I do homework I will feel better and forget this whole missed opportunity shit. I do want a person I can call my lover, and I know I want someone else to care for me in a way my friends and family can't, but I also know that I don't have the time right now nor do I find it even necessary. It'll happen sometime.
I also felt, when I saw a group of Japanese kids going somewhere together, that I am missing thousands of opportunities to increase my Japanese proficiency, my number of friends, my experiences in life in general. That I have become antiscoial. That I just do school work. Maybe it's because I can't see my friends all the time now. Maybe it's because I feel like I should be doing more. I just don't know...if what I feel is what I should do. Am I a loser? Am I missing out on "living life to the fullest?" Or am I a normal college student, who more than likely suffers from a genetic anxiety disorder that has gotten worse over the years?
I wish I had answers to my own questions. I wish I could just spend tonight thinking about me and trying to fix me. But I have hw and it's not doing itself.
My hands are still cold. I feel like crying. I wish my hormones would go away so I can be normal me again.
My snow boots ate my ankles, or more appropriately, my socks bunched up in my boots around my ankles creating open...blisters? Yeah, not fun. D=
It's cold in my room. ALL THE TIME. My hands are sad about this.
I think I am...broken inside. Like...ok, today there was a good number of cute boys on campus. (Cute in my definition is actually handsome, not as handsome as Ewan McGregor, but very good looking according to my hormones.) White boys, Asian boys, a good deal of them were cute in there "dammit it's cold!" attire. But while I think "oh he's nice/hot/cute/pretty/handsome." I never DO anything. It's like my...female genes that scream to reproduce are screaming "hot one on the radar! formation alpha go go go!" and my brain/conscience/heart? goes "what?...oh! a cute boy! O__________O!!<--freezes with uncertainty as to what to do next." By the time my head decides that maybe I should like DO something about it, the boy has passed by me and is further down the street, out of range for random stopping/random colliding. So opportunity missed. Today I felt like I missed...I dunno...5 opportunities but it felt like a hundred. Since I was in middle school I have known for the most part I am sexually attracted to men. Cocks might look weird, but that aside, I find a good looking guy hotter than a good looking girl. While I have tried, at least twice, to really tell a boy I am into him, it's been met with "OMGWTFwe're friends only!!!" or silence.(The silence I think was due to a difference in cultures...and probably age, and social ranking I guess?)I've had no dating experience. Maybe that's why I feel like a fish out of water when my body says "GET HIM!" and my brain goes "HOW?!" I don't know what to do. I guess I fear that I will look stupid, easy, weird, unattractive and will end up regretting having ever approached supposed sex god#22. It's the one area of life where I am too scared to fuck up. Because if I mess up bad enough, I will NEVER attempt it again. I also think that part of me says waiting isn't so bad, that the right guy will find me someday. But I know, logically, that if you want to be with someone, you have to try. Am I scared of trying? Or have I never really felt like trying? How will I know when I really should be stopping sex god#24 and saying "Hi, do I know you?" or some other horribly cheesy line(knowing me the first thing I would say is "Hi, I think you're really hot." and that would probably end all my chances right there because I'd sound vapid and shallow and like an easy lay.)or faking a stumble into him so I can say excuse me and try to start a conversation?
I'm...tired of feeling like I am missing out on something. I know I have plenty of friends who don't date or have no interest. I know that I really do not feel like I have the time and energy right now to have a boyfriend - I don't want the drama, I don't want to be turned away from my good school habits. But at the same time I feel this...pressure to find at least one guy who I could at least say I dated for two weeks or a month before graduating. Before becoming one of the working force.
Of course this only bothers me NOW as I am on my period. -_-; I know if I do homework I will feel better and forget this whole missed opportunity shit. I do want a person I can call my lover, and I know I want someone else to care for me in a way my friends and family can't, but I also know that I don't have the time right now nor do I find it even necessary. It'll happen sometime.
I also felt, when I saw a group of Japanese kids going somewhere together, that I am missing thousands of opportunities to increase my Japanese proficiency, my number of friends, my experiences in life in general. That I have become antiscoial. That I just do school work. Maybe it's because I can't see my friends all the time now. Maybe it's because I feel like I should be doing more. I just don't know...if what I feel is what I should do. Am I a loser? Am I missing out on "living life to the fullest?" Or am I a normal college student, who more than likely suffers from a genetic anxiety disorder that has gotten worse over the years?
I wish I had answers to my own questions. I wish I could just spend tonight thinking about me and trying to fix me. But I have hw and it's not doing itself.
My hands are still cold. I feel like crying. I wish my hormones would go away so I can be normal me again.