people. people who need people.
so, i think tonight was the most sad that i have ever felt for my mother, or for any person period. and this is saying a lot. i mean, i have felt heartbroken about my mother many more times than i can count, but typically those feelings are also felt in conjunction with feelings of anger or fear, or they are felt more generally for my whole family. my mother's life can hardly be construed as one, and hasn't been one for ages. not only does she have the most debilitating case of alcoholism that i have ever witnessed, she has also lost a child, and for all intensive purposes a husband, a family, a home, a career, and most importantly her spirit. even now, i have to pause from typing because it is unbearable to think about living a life like hers. and, the life i speak of is my own mother's. I cannot believe that her life is the way it is. it really is utterly tragic. she is completely alone, aside from my short visits with her, which she can hardly bear the excitement and anxiety of getting to spend time with another person.
tonight, she was utterly manic, much to my annoyance. she was crying about some of the most ridiculous things. the colts losing, her botched parfait, what to write in the birthday card for her mother who no longer speaks to her, what to take pictures of, what to paint. all i felt was annoyance. get a grip. why the hell are you so upset about so many things all of a sudden. of course she was completely wasted. couldn't walk, rocking back and forth, "needing to pee" (aka drinking mouthwash in the bathroom). all the typical things that seem to be going on everytime i see her these days.
but then, she decided that she must listen to barbara streisand's show tunes album. right now. cannot wait until tomorrow. much to my annoyance we absolutely haaad to go and buy the cd. of course i knew that she would make me listen to the cd in its entirety in the car before letting me go inside. and, she was going to try and sing all the songs she hadn't heard in decades. in other words, a nightmare.
but all of this is really commonplace. it's annoying, it's depressing, it's tiring, it's a waste of my time. but it's doable. we listened to the cd some more and ate the dinner she had made and i watched while she sat on the floor in front of the blaring cd player with funny girl's voice coming out of the speakers, rocking back and forth, eyes closed, a disaster really. she said that i could leave, and i took the opportunity as i felt that she was relatively alright and would probably just fall asleep where she was sitting. i kissed and hugged her goodbye as i always do, and felt a tinge of sadness.
while i was leaving, she belted out the words to the song "people who need people". as i left and locked the door, i heard her sobbing, singing and sobbing. alone. utterly alone. to barbara streisand.
it was the worst moment of my life.
tonight, she was utterly manic, much to my annoyance. she was crying about some of the most ridiculous things. the colts losing, her botched parfait, what to write in the birthday card for her mother who no longer speaks to her, what to take pictures of, what to paint. all i felt was annoyance. get a grip. why the hell are you so upset about so many things all of a sudden. of course she was completely wasted. couldn't walk, rocking back and forth, "needing to pee" (aka drinking mouthwash in the bathroom). all the typical things that seem to be going on everytime i see her these days.
but then, she decided that she must listen to barbara streisand's show tunes album. right now. cannot wait until tomorrow. much to my annoyance we absolutely haaad to go and buy the cd. of course i knew that she would make me listen to the cd in its entirety in the car before letting me go inside. and, she was going to try and sing all the songs she hadn't heard in decades. in other words, a nightmare.
but all of this is really commonplace. it's annoying, it's depressing, it's tiring, it's a waste of my time. but it's doable. we listened to the cd some more and ate the dinner she had made and i watched while she sat on the floor in front of the blaring cd player with funny girl's voice coming out of the speakers, rocking back and forth, eyes closed, a disaster really. she said that i could leave, and i took the opportunity as i felt that she was relatively alright and would probably just fall asleep where she was sitting. i kissed and hugged her goodbye as i always do, and felt a tinge of sadness.
while i was leaving, she belted out the words to the song "people who need people". as i left and locked the door, i heard her sobbing, singing and sobbing. alone. utterly alone. to barbara streisand.
it was the worst moment of my life.