(no subject)
I am currently depressed, but what else is new. Nothing I suppose.....because nothing ever seems to change. Why can't I feel just a little happiness? Why aren't I able to have just a tiny bit of hope? My self esttem keeps drooping lower and lower each day. It never seems to end. I want to think I'm wonderful and beautiful. I just can't bring myself to believe that. I compare myself to others too much I suppose. I can't accept my best unless it's the best which is something impossible. There is always going to be someone out there who is prettier than me or smarter than me or more wise than me. I'm not perfect. I'm so mad at myself, and i'm so afraid I'm going to start cutting again. I don't want to, but sometimes I can't control it. I try to tell myself I am doing better, but nothing ever gets better. There is always something out there that knocks me off my feet. I set myself up for disappointment without even realizing I do so. And I love being this dark little girl now, and that scares me at the same time. A part of me doesn't want to be happy because I don't want to lose my edge; the one thing that keeps me from getting hurt worse. And my fake little smile I put on before I start my day; I like that I can do that. Yet i hate it too. *so confused* Maybe I should just give up.
-------- Stephanie
-------- Stephanie