Unusual and Emo for a day
I am loved, but i am not loved as i desire. A love that i desire makes me whole and useful. I desire to not be alone, alone is the one thing i fear in life, i fear non else, or if i do fear it i stride towards it and make it fear me. I am the incarnation of a fertility goddess, but am barren without a god to match me. My heart so open to the mearist spark of loves eternal flame that it beats open in my hands held uprised in front of me for all to see and with each passing day it beats less and dries up a little more. I deeply play at being shallow, because to be deep would be shallow. In the womb Romeo and Juliets tale did ring to me, and led me on this painful trail. I have no anger for i know not what it is, and so i turn inward and hate myself and pull at my hair and scream at the world, for it cares not about me, about my pain, my suffering, my torment. I am serious by nature, but must adopt a flighty mask. But now they bar me at the gate for i am too young and foolish. I am just right for trusting, but am not trusted. I am just right to friend, but am not loved. I am important, but never the main charactor. I am tired of being alone, tired of being used, tired of being led on, tired of being lied to, tired of being a fool. I crave to be special so much that it is making a whole in my soul. I crave to be reconised as the artist i am. I crave for my intelligence to be know. I crave to not be dismissed so easily.
Thats enough of that...so yeah im kinda down right now. I'm just lonely, it gets to me sometimes. I want to find a boyfriend. I want to start that part of my life. I want to get married. Buy a house. Have kids. I really do want all that. I have been trying recently to be more "me" i guess. I like doing things because its "cool" and im not afriad to admit that any more. I go to a fashion school, everything in the fashion industry is done because someone thought it was cool. I am really starting to see myself as an artist. Going to the Met. is very diffrent for me now, when i see something i realise that i know the technique they used to do it. I know how the Statue of Liberty was made and could do it theoreticly...
heres my new address in Brooklyn:
871 St.Marks Ave.
Brooklyn, Ny, 11213
I love my apartment, my bathroom is bigger then my bedroom and we have been having bath parties, its been a long time since i had so much fun taking an innocent bath with 3 people. Im passing all my classes and have made some interesting pieces this semester. I'm really proud of my Bladerunner jewelry colletion that i did for my jewelry design final. Electric sheep bracelet :) Turns out Raine and i make good roommates, whenever i get to bitchy, he is bitchy right back in just the right way that makes me realise that i was being a bitch and it is really helping me control my bitchy swings. My mood swings have been getting kinda bad lately though. I think i might have to go back on my medication, im not sure thought, i think i'll wait till i have a job and see if it affects it. Tony, one of my fav. prof., is helping me find a job for the summer. My business degree makes me uniquicly employable. I think i might get more into the vampire scene here in NYC. I would like to find other people like me who desperately want there to be something more out there, i want to live forever, is that so bad?
Im taking japanese next semester, i have always wanted to but i think i'll have the time this semseter. Its purely an elective and don't need it at all. But it is one of the best languages out there for a jewelry design major to learn. Oh.. and it turns out that i really like Tool, i have been listening to them alot with Raine on the subway. I like it when the goth club plays "my humps". I really like industrial techno, and all the other music they play at the goth club, QXT's was awesome, i have to go there again. Their not as stuck-up at the Batcave, you can go to Q's in jeans if you want too :)
I seem to have caused a wave of drama with my new group of friends down here in NYC, you see I like J who likes L who likes R who likes Ir who likes...etc. , but i mad J sad i think, I tlod J that L knows how he feels and he didn't know that she knew i guess, so im worried that i may have now strained their friendship. way to go me. Why can't i hit on a guy who doesn't have so much baggage?...i guess everyone has baggage. I really like him though, hes very interesting, and he can dance! People say i should just have patience and keep flirtin, but im not sure. Does anyone really get the person they want?
Well i supppose i should get to bed, my dad is flying up tomorrow morning. I'll see everyone at the Raw Meat Festival!
Thats enough of that...so yeah im kinda down right now. I'm just lonely, it gets to me sometimes. I want to find a boyfriend. I want to start that part of my life. I want to get married. Buy a house. Have kids. I really do want all that. I have been trying recently to be more "me" i guess. I like doing things because its "cool" and im not afriad to admit that any more. I go to a fashion school, everything in the fashion industry is done because someone thought it was cool. I am really starting to see myself as an artist. Going to the Met. is very diffrent for me now, when i see something i realise that i know the technique they used to do it. I know how the Statue of Liberty was made and could do it theoreticly...
heres my new address in Brooklyn:
871 St.Marks Ave.
Brooklyn, Ny, 11213
I love my apartment, my bathroom is bigger then my bedroom and we have been having bath parties, its been a long time since i had so much fun taking an innocent bath with 3 people. Im passing all my classes and have made some interesting pieces this semester. I'm really proud of my Bladerunner jewelry colletion that i did for my jewelry design final. Electric sheep bracelet :) Turns out Raine and i make good roommates, whenever i get to bitchy, he is bitchy right back in just the right way that makes me realise that i was being a bitch and it is really helping me control my bitchy swings. My mood swings have been getting kinda bad lately though. I think i might have to go back on my medication, im not sure thought, i think i'll wait till i have a job and see if it affects it. Tony, one of my fav. prof., is helping me find a job for the summer. My business degree makes me uniquicly employable. I think i might get more into the vampire scene here in NYC. I would like to find other people like me who desperately want there to be something more out there, i want to live forever, is that so bad?
Im taking japanese next semester, i have always wanted to but i think i'll have the time this semseter. Its purely an elective and don't need it at all. But it is one of the best languages out there for a jewelry design major to learn. Oh.. and it turns out that i really like Tool, i have been listening to them alot with Raine on the subway. I like it when the goth club plays "my humps". I really like industrial techno, and all the other music they play at the goth club, QXT's was awesome, i have to go there again. Their not as stuck-up at the Batcave, you can go to Q's in jeans if you want too :)
I seem to have caused a wave of drama with my new group of friends down here in NYC, you see I like J who likes L who likes R who likes Ir who likes...etc. , but i mad J sad i think, I tlod J that L knows how he feels and he didn't know that she knew i guess, so im worried that i may have now strained their friendship. way to go me. Why can't i hit on a guy who doesn't have so much baggage?...i guess everyone has baggage. I really like him though, hes very interesting, and he can dance! People say i should just have patience and keep flirtin, but im not sure. Does anyone really get the person they want?
Well i supppose i should get to bed, my dad is flying up tomorrow morning. I'll see everyone at the Raw Meat Festival!