Things I can't change
Disclaimer: I do NOT own Buffy the vampire slayer or its characters. I make no money from this.
Note: The ends a bit, blah, but all in all, I'm happy with this piece.
Warnings: Spoilers, sort of, for season four and six.
Packing a bag for England had probably had a romantic notion attached to it when she was younger or maybe a more scholarly feel to it. She hadn’t imagined the tears in her eyes or the feeling of despair curling in her gut. Nor had she predicted the nauseousness that threatened to bring up bile. She hadn’t eaten since before the time she didn’t wanted to think about.
The ringing of her phone startled her. She had been sure she had unplugged it but than she remembered that she had turned off the cellular phone and left the telephone alone, not thinking anyone would call her. There wasn’t a reason to and it's not like her friends would want to talk to her after, it.
It had taken Giles a week to make the arrangements and in that time she hadn’t seen hide nor hair of anyone, not that she blamed them. After it, she wouldn't be surprised if they never came near her again.
She hadn't cried since the trigger of it had happened. She wouldn’t allow herself to. She didn’t deserve to cry, she couldn’t cry, and that scared her more than anything. Half expecting this trip to be about putting her down like a rabid dog was what kept her calm. It wouldn’t matter afterwards anyway.
Fourth ring, and she gathered up the will to answer it.
“Hello,” dully, lacking emotion or even a hint of life.
“Willow?” unsure, and it was almost enough to make her cry when she recognized that voice.
“Oz?”
For a moment that’s eternity, there is silence.
“Yeah, it’s me.”
[I was waiting. I feel like, some part of me will always be waiting for you.]
Tears came unbidden, pressure pressing against her eyeballs, begging to be let fall. She ignored it, sucking it up. Crying wasn't something she had done recently and she wasn’t about to start over an ex.
“Why, are you calling?”
“I talked to Giles.”
Only four words and she was ready to start screaming, to hang up the phone, and tear the cord from wall. But she didn’t. Instead she just stood there, staring blankly ahead. Their last meeting was flooding her mind, all the heart achy bits, and the tears, and the pain, and the . . . She couldn’t even think of it in the vaguest capacities and how pathetic was that?
“I know.”
Oz had always been very calm and and introverted. Not for the first time she wished the concern in his voice was more obvious. Now everything about that last meeting was flooding back - techni color and surround sound. Her and him, a decision that was one of the hardest decision she had ever made, and yet she had made it, and it had lead to the happiest, most loved, the most cherished, precious, sacred, and a million billion, zillion more indescribable years of her life.
She didn’t think, no she knew, she’d never feel those things again, no matter how long she may live. Her love for the two of them had been different and they would both always hold a place in her heart but she didn’t think she’d recover from this lose. It had hurt to even form words when Oz had left but she had taken her heart and soul with her and it hurt even to move or think or speak or breath or live. She’d never recover from this, she knew it in her very bones.
“Willow?” tenderly, affection and love very obvious this time and coming through loud and clear. She suddenly wished it hadn’t been more obvious. Than again, it had always been obvious to her.
Finally, finally, loud wrenching, tearing sobs burst forth and that hurt too. The phone tumbled from her trembling hand as she completely collapsed. Tears, snot, and saliva soaked her carpet where her face lay but she couldn’t find it in herself to get up, to move. Oz hadn’t hung up, she couldn’t hear the dial tone or much of anything for that matter as she sobbed and cried and shook.
That was how Giles found her two hours later, laying on the floor and gasping for breath as she sobbed spasmodically. The phone on the floor, steady faint breathing coming from it, signaling someone still on the line. Willow was a shivering, quaking mess - Giles barely recognized her.