ranting..

[hiddendepths5]

im just in one of those moods where i'm not happy. i'm not sad. i'm not anything. i miss josh and i feel like soo lost w/out him. and maybe that sounds ridiculous but i am completely lost. i need his attention and his support. he's not here to tell me everything's going to be okay and i really need that right now. yah know as crazy as it sounds... i want to spend the rest of my life with him.. no doubt about it. and maybe i'm too young for that kinda thing but i dont think love knows an age. mom keeps saying not to get too attached and not to let him be my only source of happiness but i'm like.. okay its too late. i know its a bad thing to let myself do that but he's been there for me through so many things when seriously i had no one else to go to. and after all my bullshit.. he is still here. i mean, if i were him, i'd have been gone a long time ago simply b/c he's had to put up w/a bunch of shit from me and especially from my family. i love him so much for that. and its so easy to let him be my happiness b/c i dont have friends anymore, they're all assholes.. and i really only do stuff w/him. and the thing is.. i only want to do stuff w/him. all i've been thinking about since he's been gone is moving in w/him, waking up next to him every morning, running away and getting married, having a baby, and enjoying our lives together one day at a time! as long as i am w/him i feel like i can do anything. he gives me that confidence and i just want him to want the same thing w/me. a couple of weeks ago when we went over to see rhonda and harry's new apartment, afterwards we got in a stupid argument (of course, caused by my stupidity) and he said all this stuff about how all he had been thinking about for a while has been moving in w/me and waking up next to me since i had mentioned him moving in w/me a little eariler. so i know he's been thinking about it but i dont know if he really wants to do. he said there were things he had been thinking about too like things would go wrong. he said he was worried that i'd go off to college and want to experience something new since he's the only guy i've been with and he'd be left homeless. i was like, baby you know i wouldn't do that but still.. he doesn't think i'm ready to be committed and plus, i think he's kind afraid of being that committed too. oh well, time will tell i guess. i just really want to talk to him and have a heart to heart. i really just want to hear about how much he cares about me. i need that so much!
*//cassie lynn