rant.
Take my hand, you know I'll be there if you can, I'll cross the sky for your love.
I'm at such a loss for poetic words right now. I'd love to lubricate my words, rhyme them, make metaphors for my life and the situations I'm in,
but I just can't do it.. I lost one of the favorite parts of me for a while.. the poet. Why is it that I can only write when I'm sad? Because emotions are extreme?
I can't even say that I'm really sad right now.. I'm just so confused, so scared. Here's the jist.
In these training classes we have at work (real estate) the most important thing they're trying to teach us is self-discipline.. motivation.. believe in yourself. I don't know what it is.. I used to believe in myself, I used to believe I could be everything and anything I ever wanted to.. but I have no confidence anymore. I have no self respect. I don't know what to do. I'll fail in this business without any of that.. and I just don't have it.
I haven't been confident in a long time.. like, I posted an entry a few days ago about girls worrying about me stealing their boyfriends.. I know I said at the end get some confidence or something.. but I'm such a fucking hypocrite. I mean, I have confidence in my relationship.. but in myself, personally, no, nothing.
I am constantly apologizing. It's my defense. If someone seems like they're going to yell at me, or correct me for something I did wrong, I IMMEDIATELY apologize.. hell, even if it isn't my fault and someone's upset, I apologize. I'm always taking the blame.. I'm sick of taking the fucking blame to try to make everyone feel better about themselves. I'm not being stroked at all right now.. I don't have any confidence. Someo f the most important people in my life aren't telling me, Steph, you can do this, you'll be great at it, I know you can do it. No, I have to ASK them, "do you think I can do this?"
I don't wanna hear "Well, it's going to be hard" or "Only if you think you can" or "You're only as good as you make yourself".. that hurts my feelings so bad.. so bad. I just wanna hear, Steph, you'll be awesome, I can't wait to see you succeed. The only people I've heard that from is my parents and my brokers. I'm also trying to accept the fact that no one cares what I do because it isn't them, and the fact that they could be jealous.
I hate being at home. I hate it here. I hate this apartment. I COULD love it.. but I hate it. It's a mess.. it's so messy in here.. and it isn't just him, it's me as well. I'm trying to get my act together and clean.. but everytime I do, somehow everyone lets their side of the deal go, and it's a mess again.. plates are stacked in the sink, laundry is carelessly thrown on the floor in a big, disgusting, smelly pile, the bathroom sink has my hair in it, ryan's facial hair, there's hairballs all over the house from the dog, plates and cups all over the placem TRASH BAGS all over the house of TRASH that was supposed to be taken out 3 weeks ago, same with recyclables, there's the awful lingering stence of stale cigars and ashes in my kitchen.. there's always that stupid black box out on the counter with all that nasty smelling shit in it, power cords all over the place, never enough water in the fishtank, the dogs water jug is never filled until I get around to doing it, there's chairs sitting in the middle of the kitchen for smoking powwows that have never been put back, crap all over the diningroom table, a lot of my shit is piled in the corner of the dining room in a heap because i haven't gone through it, my room is saturated with laundry, clean and dirty cause there isn't enough drawer space for it all, the closet is a fucking bomb because of all my shoes and miscellanious boxes of crap..
I hate this place. I hate it here. I hate it. I hate being home. I sleep all the time because I don't wanna get up and deal with all the shit around me.. I'm so depressed all the time.. I'm unhappy in so many aspects of my life.
So back to the training class.. they're asking me to sit there and close my eyes for 15 minutes, and then they're talking me through where I think I'll be in the next 5 years.. Here were some of my mental answers to their verbal scenarios..
How much money are you making?
"I don't know, at this rate I won't be making anything because I don't know how to get out of this rut I'm in."
What will your dream home look like?
"I can't even concentrate ont hat b evause at this rate I'm not planning to buy a home cause I'll never afford it at this rate."
Who are you with? Do you have a family?
"Who am I with? Am I alone? I think I'll be alone.. I don't see myself as who I am now, to be the same in the future.. I don't know if anyone I think I love now is really going to be a part of my life then.. I just can't see it."
That part got me. I can't see who I love. I can't see my friends. I only see me and my parents.. the only people I can ever trust to love me unconditionally.. without me having to hang out, or go to bars, or call every once in a while to say hey, or have sex with, or give a fake smile to, or to have to aqgree with their opinions.. I just can't see anyone in my future. I can't see me married. I cannot see me ever getting married.. at one point in my life I had the whole thing planned out, right now to the bridesmaid dresses.. and now, I can't see me married.. because truthfully, if marriage is anything like what I've learned so far in my relationships, I want no part of it..
I wish I could be as storybook happy as my mom and dad. They're so perfect together.. they're like puzzle pieces. They compliment eachother so well.. and just typing this now I'm starting to tear up cause I know in my heart I'm pretty much wrong about everything I thought was so right.. and so real. I am so wrong.. so dead wrong.. I'm so cold.. I have no feelings for anyone but my family. I just lost all my compassion.. I feel like I've been so taken advantage of by so many people that I just locked everyone out. The words "I Love You" have lost so much meaning to me.. it's such an empty phrase.. I have nothing to back it with, because I, myself have become so empty. I feel like a machine.. a malfunctioning machine.
I do however, have a ton of friends who love me and care about me, and I wanna say I love them back, but I don't know how. I've been so stripped of everything I thought was love that I just don't feel anymore.. and I don't feel until I have these breakdowns and I just sit here in awe of how messed up I really am inside.
In my own way, I do love my friends.. but I don't know if it's love.. because at this point, I've forgotten how to love.. all I truly know with love is family, and if you're lucky enough to have me call you family, you're safe.. but I can only think of very few people I consider my family.
I don't even know what I just wrote.. I think I ranted.. and I don't even know what was put down.. but I do know that I'm not okay.. and I don't know where to begin to start helping myself.. self help books.. or.. I don't know.. I feel like I can never do anything right.
The following are lyrics from a song that I relate to..
And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was lyin' still.
Said I gotta do something
About where I'm (we're) goin'.
Step on a fast train
Step out of the driving rain, maybe
Run from the darkness in the night.
Singing ah, ah la la la de day
Ah la la la de day.
Sweet the sin, bitter the taste in my mouth.
I see seven towers, but I only see one way out.
You gotta cry without weeping, talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice.
You know I took the poison, from the poison stream
Then I floated out of here, singing
Ah la la la de day
Ah la la la de day.
She walks through the streets
With her eyes painted red
Under black belly of cloud in the rain.
In through a doorway
She brings me white golden pearls
Stolen from the sea.
She is ragin'
She is ragin'
And the storm blows up in her eyes.
She will suffer the needle chill
She's running to stand still.
I'm spinning my wheels and I'm not getting anywhere.. someone, anyone, get me a tow truck.
I'm at such a loss for poetic words right now. I'd love to lubricate my words, rhyme them, make metaphors for my life and the situations I'm in,
but I just can't do it.. I lost one of the favorite parts of me for a while.. the poet. Why is it that I can only write when I'm sad? Because emotions are extreme?
I can't even say that I'm really sad right now.. I'm just so confused, so scared. Here's the jist.
In these training classes we have at work (real estate) the most important thing they're trying to teach us is self-discipline.. motivation.. believe in yourself. I don't know what it is.. I used to believe in myself, I used to believe I could be everything and anything I ever wanted to.. but I have no confidence anymore. I have no self respect. I don't know what to do. I'll fail in this business without any of that.. and I just don't have it.
I haven't been confident in a long time.. like, I posted an entry a few days ago about girls worrying about me stealing their boyfriends.. I know I said at the end get some confidence or something.. but I'm such a fucking hypocrite. I mean, I have confidence in my relationship.. but in myself, personally, no, nothing.
I am constantly apologizing. It's my defense. If someone seems like they're going to yell at me, or correct me for something I did wrong, I IMMEDIATELY apologize.. hell, even if it isn't my fault and someone's upset, I apologize. I'm always taking the blame.. I'm sick of taking the fucking blame to try to make everyone feel better about themselves. I'm not being stroked at all right now.. I don't have any confidence. Someo f the most important people in my life aren't telling me, Steph, you can do this, you'll be great at it, I know you can do it. No, I have to ASK them, "do you think I can do this?"
I don't wanna hear "Well, it's going to be hard" or "Only if you think you can" or "You're only as good as you make yourself".. that hurts my feelings so bad.. so bad. I just wanna hear, Steph, you'll be awesome, I can't wait to see you succeed. The only people I've heard that from is my parents and my brokers. I'm also trying to accept the fact that no one cares what I do because it isn't them, and the fact that they could be jealous.
I hate being at home. I hate it here. I hate this apartment. I COULD love it.. but I hate it. It's a mess.. it's so messy in here.. and it isn't just him, it's me as well. I'm trying to get my act together and clean.. but everytime I do, somehow everyone lets their side of the deal go, and it's a mess again.. plates are stacked in the sink, laundry is carelessly thrown on the floor in a big, disgusting, smelly pile, the bathroom sink has my hair in it, ryan's facial hair, there's hairballs all over the house from the dog, plates and cups all over the placem TRASH BAGS all over the house of TRASH that was supposed to be taken out 3 weeks ago, same with recyclables, there's the awful lingering stence of stale cigars and ashes in my kitchen.. there's always that stupid black box out on the counter with all that nasty smelling shit in it, power cords all over the place, never enough water in the fishtank, the dogs water jug is never filled until I get around to doing it, there's chairs sitting in the middle of the kitchen for smoking powwows that have never been put back, crap all over the diningroom table, a lot of my shit is piled in the corner of the dining room in a heap because i haven't gone through it, my room is saturated with laundry, clean and dirty cause there isn't enough drawer space for it all, the closet is a fucking bomb because of all my shoes and miscellanious boxes of crap..
I hate this place. I hate it here. I hate it. I hate being home. I sleep all the time because I don't wanna get up and deal with all the shit around me.. I'm so depressed all the time.. I'm unhappy in so many aspects of my life.
So back to the training class.. they're asking me to sit there and close my eyes for 15 minutes, and then they're talking me through where I think I'll be in the next 5 years.. Here were some of my mental answers to their verbal scenarios..
How much money are you making?
"I don't know, at this rate I won't be making anything because I don't know how to get out of this rut I'm in."
What will your dream home look like?
"I can't even concentrate ont hat b evause at this rate I'm not planning to buy a home cause I'll never afford it at this rate."
Who are you with? Do you have a family?
"Who am I with? Am I alone? I think I'll be alone.. I don't see myself as who I am now, to be the same in the future.. I don't know if anyone I think I love now is really going to be a part of my life then.. I just can't see it."
That part got me. I can't see who I love. I can't see my friends. I only see me and my parents.. the only people I can ever trust to love me unconditionally.. without me having to hang out, or go to bars, or call every once in a while to say hey, or have sex with, or give a fake smile to, or to have to aqgree with their opinions.. I just can't see anyone in my future. I can't see me married. I cannot see me ever getting married.. at one point in my life I had the whole thing planned out, right now to the bridesmaid dresses.. and now, I can't see me married.. because truthfully, if marriage is anything like what I've learned so far in my relationships, I want no part of it..
I wish I could be as storybook happy as my mom and dad. They're so perfect together.. they're like puzzle pieces. They compliment eachother so well.. and just typing this now I'm starting to tear up cause I know in my heart I'm pretty much wrong about everything I thought was so right.. and so real. I am so wrong.. so dead wrong.. I'm so cold.. I have no feelings for anyone but my family. I just lost all my compassion.. I feel like I've been so taken advantage of by so many people that I just locked everyone out. The words "I Love You" have lost so much meaning to me.. it's such an empty phrase.. I have nothing to back it with, because I, myself have become so empty. I feel like a machine.. a malfunctioning machine.
I do however, have a ton of friends who love me and care about me, and I wanna say I love them back, but I don't know how. I've been so stripped of everything I thought was love that I just don't feel anymore.. and I don't feel until I have these breakdowns and I just sit here in awe of how messed up I really am inside.
In my own way, I do love my friends.. but I don't know if it's love.. because at this point, I've forgotten how to love.. all I truly know with love is family, and if you're lucky enough to have me call you family, you're safe.. but I can only think of very few people I consider my family.
I don't even know what I just wrote.. I think I ranted.. and I don't even know what was put down.. but I do know that I'm not okay.. and I don't know where to begin to start helping myself.. self help books.. or.. I don't know.. I feel like I can never do anything right.
The following are lyrics from a song that I relate to..
And so she woke up
Woke up from where she was lyin' still.
Said I gotta do something
About where I'm (we're) goin'.
Step on a fast train
Step out of the driving rain, maybe
Run from the darkness in the night.
Singing ah, ah la la la de day
Ah la la la de day.
Sweet the sin, bitter the taste in my mouth.
I see seven towers, but I only see one way out.
You gotta cry without weeping, talk without speaking
Scream without raising your voice.
You know I took the poison, from the poison stream
Then I floated out of here, singing
Ah la la la de day
Ah la la la de day.
She walks through the streets
With her eyes painted red
Under black belly of cloud in the rain.
In through a doorway
She brings me white golden pearls
Stolen from the sea.
She is ragin'
She is ragin'
And the storm blows up in her eyes.
She will suffer the needle chill
She's running to stand still.
I'm spinning my wheels and I'm not getting anywhere.. someone, anyone, get me a tow truck.