Don't bother reading if your not in the mood or don't care
Okay, so here it is 1:00 am before my final at 8:00 am and I can't fall asleep...
All I can think about right now is how much I need to pass this test so that I can actually feel good about myself. My grades in general are terrible this semester and I have no one to blame but myself. I spent more time working and screwing around then I did on actual school work. What's really upsetting is that I didn't feel bad or anything about missing an assignment here or there, but now I feel like shit because my grades are going to suck and my parents will NOT shut up about it if they do!!! I think I've cried like everyday this week, because no matter how much I try it's never good enough. I've walked out of the last two music theory tests feeling good about myself and all I manage to get in return was a 65 and a 66.
It's just so frustrating because I feel like I'm absolutely nobody in this school. I feel stupid because all my grades are shitty, I suck at homework and practicing and all that stuff. It's a freakin' commuter/city school and I can't cut it here. I feel like I'm pursuing the wrong path now, that I'm not good enough to teach music, even though it's what I've wanted to do for a couple years now. Everyday I go to theory, sight singing, or a methods class I just want to run out of it screaming and crying. So many times this semester I've been saying "I quit" and what's depressing is that I really MEAN IT! I would rather go to work than go to school right now. I feel important and wanted at work. I just feel lost and invisible at school, the teacher just don't connect with their students or anything...
Coming here has made me want to just quit college all together, but I know that if I want to have a decent life and a family of my own I need to get a college degree. I just don't know what to do other than cry and try to give a damn about school. My anxiety has gone WAY up this year and it's starting to get out of control. I've already been put on another medication and increase the dosage on two of them. I just can't handle this anymore.
I hate the way I look too, but I'm too freakin lazy to do anything about it. I've started to try eating healthier, more veggies, less sweets, etc. But I still hate my size and all that jazz. I wish I was still playing hockey because that would knock at least 10 pounds off right there. My dad right now is less than 20 pounds heavier than me. My fucking dad is almost my weight!!! I'm trying to do the best that I can, but I'm just fat and lazy like my parents used to be.
It doesn't help that I don't have many friends right here on campus either. It sucks when all I need is a hug or someone to talk to. I haven't really found that person yet. Sure I talk to Helen and two other people I met, Amanda and Sasha, but I can't cry or anything around them. All I get is the "don't be sad jill" "it'll be okay" When all I really need is someone to talk to and not necessarily an opinion or interruption of "it's okay"
Just a week ago, when I was taking my Piano final, I had a 30 minute discussion with my piano teacher about me - and she got me without having me tell her anything. So we talking about depression, anxiety, unbalanced moods, etc, and it really helped because she was a teacher that understood. A teacher that I KNOW I can talk to about something. What sucks is that she only teaches Piano! But she was kind and nice and just so wonderful that I seriously left that room crying because I was happy for once. And I passed my Piano final with a 100!! It was like a dream come true! LOL She suggested that I read a book called "A Soprano on her head" and also "The Inner Game of Music" I think I'm going to get them off of amazon during break. It's self help books with a MUSIC focus!!!
Okay, I guess I'm starting to calm down and might be able to get a little sleep before I have to wake up again (to study more and practice my lovely french horn that I can't freakin' play!). Anyways, if you've read this far I'm sorry for the brief insanity (goes back to that whole unstable mood things I guess). Actually I'm sorry for bothering you at all, however many of you may read this. All I know is that it helped and it might make some sense if I call one of you at say midnight or something sometime next semester in hysterics. Just let me talk and calm down. It's bound to happen eventually...
All I can think about right now is how much I need to pass this test so that I can actually feel good about myself. My grades in general are terrible this semester and I have no one to blame but myself. I spent more time working and screwing around then I did on actual school work. What's really upsetting is that I didn't feel bad or anything about missing an assignment here or there, but now I feel like shit because my grades are going to suck and my parents will NOT shut up about it if they do!!! I think I've cried like everyday this week, because no matter how much I try it's never good enough. I've walked out of the last two music theory tests feeling good about myself and all I manage to get in return was a 65 and a 66.
It's just so frustrating because I feel like I'm absolutely nobody in this school. I feel stupid because all my grades are shitty, I suck at homework and practicing and all that stuff. It's a freakin' commuter/city school and I can't cut it here. I feel like I'm pursuing the wrong path now, that I'm not good enough to teach music, even though it's what I've wanted to do for a couple years now. Everyday I go to theory, sight singing, or a methods class I just want to run out of it screaming and crying. So many times this semester I've been saying "I quit" and what's depressing is that I really MEAN IT! I would rather go to work than go to school right now. I feel important and wanted at work. I just feel lost and invisible at school, the teacher just don't connect with their students or anything...
Coming here has made me want to just quit college all together, but I know that if I want to have a decent life and a family of my own I need to get a college degree. I just don't know what to do other than cry and try to give a damn about school. My anxiety has gone WAY up this year and it's starting to get out of control. I've already been put on another medication and increase the dosage on two of them. I just can't handle this anymore.
I hate the way I look too, but I'm too freakin lazy to do anything about it. I've started to try eating healthier, more veggies, less sweets, etc. But I still hate my size and all that jazz. I wish I was still playing hockey because that would knock at least 10 pounds off right there. My dad right now is less than 20 pounds heavier than me. My fucking dad is almost my weight!!! I'm trying to do the best that I can, but I'm just fat and lazy like my parents used to be.
It doesn't help that I don't have many friends right here on campus either. It sucks when all I need is a hug or someone to talk to. I haven't really found that person yet. Sure I talk to Helen and two other people I met, Amanda and Sasha, but I can't cry or anything around them. All I get is the "don't be sad jill" "it'll be okay" When all I really need is someone to talk to and not necessarily an opinion or interruption of "it's okay"
Just a week ago, when I was taking my Piano final, I had a 30 minute discussion with my piano teacher about me - and she got me without having me tell her anything. So we talking about depression, anxiety, unbalanced moods, etc, and it really helped because she was a teacher that understood. A teacher that I KNOW I can talk to about something. What sucks is that she only teaches Piano! But she was kind and nice and just so wonderful that I seriously left that room crying because I was happy for once. And I passed my Piano final with a 100!! It was like a dream come true! LOL She suggested that I read a book called "A Soprano on her head" and also "The Inner Game of Music" I think I'm going to get them off of amazon during break. It's self help books with a MUSIC focus!!!
Okay, I guess I'm starting to calm down and might be able to get a little sleep before I have to wake up again (to study more and practice my lovely french horn that I can't freakin' play!). Anyways, if you've read this far I'm sorry for the brief insanity (goes back to that whole unstable mood things I guess). Actually I'm sorry for bothering you at all, however many of you may read this. All I know is that it helped and it might make some sense if I call one of you at say midnight or something sometime next semester in hysterics. Just let me talk and calm down. It's bound to happen eventually...