At Amanda's School...
So, I'm at Amanda's school right now. Mike, Amber and I drove down yesterday because she's coming home for the summer. I'm excited... it's going to be like last summer, but not really. A lot of shit has changed, and I hate that, but oh well. What can ya do?
I don't know what to do with myself right now. I no longer have a job, and it sucks. I mean, you start to really get used to having a steady income, but shit just blows up in your face when you least expect it and everything is all fucked up in a matter of seconds. Life just really likes to kick me in the ass sometimes, but I have to deak with it, right? So much shit is going through my head right now, and no one is in here so I figured I'd get it all out before they come back from their cigarette break. I just don't know if I have all the words right there on the tip of my tongue. Things are just so good but so bad at the same time. It's weird because I kind of have to balance my feelings all at once. Like, I could be so happy and then so upset at the same time, and I just don't know how to show both at the same time. Everything is good with Norm and I, that's not the problem at all. Things are just getting to me. And I missed my period last month, so I'm a little freaked out about that. And of course, I have no money, so I can't go and buy a test or anything. And it's killing me not knowing, ya know? Last night I drank a little bit, and I hate myself for it, because I really don't know what the deal is. I feel guilty, because if I do end up being pregnant and my kid comes out with like birth defects, it's all my fault. To be honest, I kind of do want a baby, but I know that I couldn't possibly handle it right now. I want to wait until I can financially be able to handle it. I cannot even support myself... Shit, what am I going to do? I'm just lost right now. I don't know. Maybe I'm just being emotional because my period is going to come like tomorrow or something. That would be a big weight off my shoulders, but for some reason, I don't think that's going to happen.
Anyways, enough with that.
I was talking to Amber the other day, and we want to get certified and start a daycare. I think it would be fun, and I really love kids, so its something that I would enjoy doing. But I'm not sure how that is going to work, because there really isn't a place to have the daycare. We could either do it at her house or mine, but I have so many fucking fire hazards from too many plug-ins that the people would probably laugh in my face. And I don't know if Amber wants to do it at her house or not. I don't know. We have to talk about it more. And I want to talk to Sherri about it, because she has a daycare at her house, so she would know what to do and how to go about it and everything. I also want to go up to Holiday House, which is an old folks home, and see if they need help up there. I don't know what I want to do. I really wish I went to college after high school. After being here for just a day I want to go so bad. And not because of the drinking or friends... just so I could have that like extra to feel proud of, ya know? Seriously, what do I have to show for myself? Not a damn thing. Yeah, I graduated, big deal. I want something else. I need something else. I just feel like I haven't done anything with my life. I'm going to be 19 in a few months and I don't even have a job. It's ridiculous. I guess it's not that bad... I did have a job, but people are fucking stupid.
Anywho.
Me, Norm and Emily went down to Mass last weekend to visit my mom. Well, I really went to see my brother and Jess, but we stayed with my mom. She makes me so fucking mad sometimes. She wanted us to bring Emily so bad, but she was such a bitch to us all weekend. She was stupid enough to bring us to this fancy restaurant, knowing that Emily wasn't going to just sit there and be a good kid, ya know? She is only a year 1/2, what the hell does my mom expect her to do? Emily couldn't do anything at the house either. She couldn't touch anything, she couldn't run or anything. It was just stupid. And my mom was getting so mad because Emily just didn't want to listen, but damn, she's so young, and she still doesn't really know any better. My mom is so stupid sometimes. She thinks I'm fucking dumb and don't know how to take care of a kid either. Like, Emily is not my daughter or anything, but I've been around her long enough to know what to do when she is hurt, or crying or something. I'm not fucking retarded! But my mom LOVES to make me feel that way every fucking time that I go down there. GR. I just cannot deal with her. And people wonder why I couldn't stand her when I lived with her. She tries to control every fucking aspect of my life, and it's not happening. She doesn't understand that I'm a big girl and I can take care of myself. No matter what, I'll always manage, ya know? There is a reason I moved away from her, and she doesn't get that. She isn't going to control me anymore. I'm the one with control over my life now, and she hates that.
Blah. Okay. It's time to talk about something positive now. ...
So, I'm getting married. :) No one understands how incredibly happy I am. I know Norm and I fight.. a lot... but I love him, and no fight is going to change that. I'm not going to let some petty little argument ruin something I've waited for for so long. We're not getting married until next September sometime, so we have plenty of time to see how things go. We aren't stupid and just rushing into this. We know how much we love each other, and that's what matters. I am insanely excited about getting married. I already have my bridesmaids and stuff... but I have SO much more to think about and plan. It's going to be a stressful year, but I cannot wait for it. Jess is obviously going to be my maid of honor. Then... Caitlin, Amber, Amanda and Julie are my bridesmaids. I keep picturing over and over in my head what my wedding is going to be like, but I really have no idea, and I'm not going to really know at all until I'm walking down the aisle. Man oh man... who would of ever thought that I would be getting married. It's crazy.
I guess that I'm going to stop blabbing. I just figured I'd update since I haven't in forever.
I got to let you know that I feel so weak without your touch