(no subject)
i think my loneliness is starting to eat at me. finally. after all this time.
i've done such a good job of building up this fortified wall where i'm okay just being by myself, miss independent without a care in the world. hooking up occasionally but never really being worried about the final outcome. but i feel this wall and this facade slowly being chisseled away. and it scares and disgusts me at the same time. embarrasses as well. it shouldn't but it does, only because it's me and not one of my friends. i can fix my friends problems and my friends loneliness but i can't help myself.
my exboyfriend was an asshole to me and i don't in any way, shape, or form miss him or us but more of the idea and backbone behind a relationship. i was trying to go to sleep just now and i started reminscing on all of our old times, i haven't done this in ages, years almost. i don't think about it, it's the past it was what it was but now it's over. i think it's just scareing me to think about it for some reason.
i've been noticing recently that if a guy gives me a certain amount of promising attention that could potentially go somewhere my mind goes spinning out of control with possibilities of the future. only after a few dates, nothing exotic. it shouldn't be like that, i can't work myself up into frenzies over nothing. i wind up imaginging things down the line, us starting a relationship that whole schpeal. ACK. my brain is craking, falling apart, bursting from it's perfect bubble.
i've always been happy for my friends and their relationships and lending them a hand with advice whenever needed. but for once can't i be in a position where i need advice on a guy? my three measly relationships i've ever had with men aren't enough. i haven't seriously dated anyone since i was a high school junior. i'm a sophomore in college now, it's been long enough. come on world. and no this isn't a pity me post, i just need to get this out in writing so it stops circulating in my head, torturing me.
i just can't seem to understand why if i have all of this compassion and desire and love that no one wants to scoop this up. is my emotional baggage really that transparent that as soon as someone meets me they know everything that comes with me? and is there really that much? am i really that terrible? ack. i need a real diary. online diaries are just much easier to get thoughts out on, instantaneous.
I just came back from a week in Florida. It was the greatest week I've had in some time, exactly what I needed. The two girls I was with (Daria and Alex) are amazing and wonderful people I never want to lose from my life. Florida was so warm and nice, Maryland not so much. Thus is life.
i've done such a good job of building up this fortified wall where i'm okay just being by myself, miss independent without a care in the world. hooking up occasionally but never really being worried about the final outcome. but i feel this wall and this facade slowly being chisseled away. and it scares and disgusts me at the same time. embarrasses as well. it shouldn't but it does, only because it's me and not one of my friends. i can fix my friends problems and my friends loneliness but i can't help myself.
my exboyfriend was an asshole to me and i don't in any way, shape, or form miss him or us but more of the idea and backbone behind a relationship. i was trying to go to sleep just now and i started reminscing on all of our old times, i haven't done this in ages, years almost. i don't think about it, it's the past it was what it was but now it's over. i think it's just scareing me to think about it for some reason.
i've been noticing recently that if a guy gives me a certain amount of promising attention that could potentially go somewhere my mind goes spinning out of control with possibilities of the future. only after a few dates, nothing exotic. it shouldn't be like that, i can't work myself up into frenzies over nothing. i wind up imaginging things down the line, us starting a relationship that whole schpeal. ACK. my brain is craking, falling apart, bursting from it's perfect bubble.
i've always been happy for my friends and their relationships and lending them a hand with advice whenever needed. but for once can't i be in a position where i need advice on a guy? my three measly relationships i've ever had with men aren't enough. i haven't seriously dated anyone since i was a high school junior. i'm a sophomore in college now, it's been long enough. come on world. and no this isn't a pity me post, i just need to get this out in writing so it stops circulating in my head, torturing me.
i just can't seem to understand why if i have all of this compassion and desire and love that no one wants to scoop this up. is my emotional baggage really that transparent that as soon as someone meets me they know everything that comes with me? and is there really that much? am i really that terrible? ack. i need a real diary. online diaries are just much easier to get thoughts out on, instantaneous.
I just came back from a week in Florida. It was the greatest week I've had in some time, exactly what I needed. The two girls I was with (Daria and Alex) are amazing and wonderful people I never want to lose from my life. Florida was so warm and nice, Maryland not so much. Thus is life.