started a talk with a good friend tonight...
So I talked to George tonight...I told him.. god i'm having a hard time finding words right now. I told him some things that i've been having a hard time with. I can't stop thinking about what happened with herson for the past week it's been on my mind constantly. George said something along the lines of " You can stop thinking about it you just dont want to." what if thats true? am I really that weak and pathetic? I have hardly gotten any sleep in a little over a week. It's like I am afraid to sleep because I know what i will dream about. when I try to sleep it just wont come. I toss and turn and lay there almost completely numb, The same thought swimming in my head over and over again. when I wake up after having the same dream night after night. I feel weak. I wake up with tears in my eyes. The covers and sheets are twisted on the floor and my feather mattress is almost off my bed. I Tend to have a hard time getting out of bed. I just want to lay there and sleep for the rest of my life. I'm exhausted. it's 11:31 pm right now and I can barely stay awake, but I know as soon as I lay down I wont be able to fall asleep. wakeing up is the worst when i wake up I can still feel his hands all over me his voice ringing in my ears. it gives me the chills makes my hair stand on end. I hate it.
tell me do you know how it feels to have someone you hate whole heartedly, someone that has made you hate everything about yourself litterally laying ontop of you despite your struggling? to have that person who has torn your own self image apart mocking you because to them it is just a game. you feel insignificant and helpless and after a while you just wish you werent the only one who seemed to care. You begin to beleive that you deserve it that you must have brought it on yourself. Your emotions become so conflicting it's hard to think straight and know what you are feeling. have you ever gotten so cold from being outside that you go completely numb with pain? thats kind of what it feels like your head tingles and everything just hurts. you stop feeling anything and just roll with the motions. Putting on a smile and playing your "normal" happy go lucky hyper roll. acting as if your perfectly fine. because if you don't play your roll you get upset and depressed and angry. Then the people around you no longer want to be there. They get annoyed and angry when ever you speak up as to how you feel. they dont want to hear it because apparently your not acting like "yourself" your far too depressed for their liking. so you drop the subject going back into the part you've practiced time and time again.
I stopped doing almost everything I loved to do... I havent drawn in a really long time nothing not a doodle nor a picture. I havent been to my bellydancing class in almost 1/2 a year now. havent been to the stables wich was my all time fave thing to do since horses were my life. I loved them, and I havent been there since the beginning of 8th grade. I hardly talk to many people these days. I used to have so many friends and now the number has gone down. I'm greatful for the friends I have now I love them to peices and if I lost anyone of them I dont know what I would do. my life used to be good god i used to love life but it's like when you shatter a mirror... you can never put it back together again. Not the way it once was. The broken edges cut into your skin becomming buried in your skin, and you dont know where to start to begin pulling the peices out. I am probably not even making sense anymore. well to avoid peopel getting mad and frustrated with me i am going to stop talking about things like this i'll play my normal roll it's like my second nature now not that hard to get into anymore... people have their own problems to deal with they dont need to take on my melodramatic bullshit problems too i hope they know they can always come to me with them i'll help no questions asked if i can be strong for myself i will be for my friends.. ok well it's midnight now so i am going to put the draft and legacys lumberyard match on a cd for George then i am going to watch tv see everyone in a few hours...
tell me do you know how it feels to have someone you hate whole heartedly, someone that has made you hate everything about yourself litterally laying ontop of you despite your struggling? to have that person who has torn your own self image apart mocking you because to them it is just a game. you feel insignificant and helpless and after a while you just wish you werent the only one who seemed to care. You begin to beleive that you deserve it that you must have brought it on yourself. Your emotions become so conflicting it's hard to think straight and know what you are feeling. have you ever gotten so cold from being outside that you go completely numb with pain? thats kind of what it feels like your head tingles and everything just hurts. you stop feeling anything and just roll with the motions. Putting on a smile and playing your "normal" happy go lucky hyper roll. acting as if your perfectly fine. because if you don't play your roll you get upset and depressed and angry. Then the people around you no longer want to be there. They get annoyed and angry when ever you speak up as to how you feel. they dont want to hear it because apparently your not acting like "yourself" your far too depressed for their liking. so you drop the subject going back into the part you've practiced time and time again.
I stopped doing almost everything I loved to do... I havent drawn in a really long time nothing not a doodle nor a picture. I havent been to my bellydancing class in almost 1/2 a year now. havent been to the stables wich was my all time fave thing to do since horses were my life. I loved them, and I havent been there since the beginning of 8th grade. I hardly talk to many people these days. I used to have so many friends and now the number has gone down. I'm greatful for the friends I have now I love them to peices and if I lost anyone of them I dont know what I would do. my life used to be good god i used to love life but it's like when you shatter a mirror... you can never put it back together again. Not the way it once was. The broken edges cut into your skin becomming buried in your skin, and you dont know where to start to begin pulling the peices out. I am probably not even making sense anymore. well to avoid peopel getting mad and frustrated with me i am going to stop talking about things like this i'll play my normal roll it's like my second nature now not that hard to get into anymore... people have their own problems to deal with they dont need to take on my melodramatic bullshit problems too i hope they know they can always come to me with them i'll help no questions asked if i can be strong for myself i will be for my friends.. ok well it's midnight now so i am going to put the draft and legacys lumberyard match on a cd for George then i am going to watch tv see everyone in a few hours...