first post...
oh wow alot of you are not going to like this very much alot of what i have to say is serious shit that not alot of my friends will like because they dont like to listen to me when i start getting real about my emotions and the shit i am going through. they often get annoyed with my because they dont understand what i feel. so very often they get mad and just stop talking to me or w/e. not only do i have my own problems to deal with but i deal with my friends problems too. i feel like i have taken on alot and now i am starting to lose it all. my grades have dropped severly i am passing one class adventure class thats it... 2nd quarter in a row that i have been so deeply depressed i dont have the energy to do what i need to do. but dont think that even for a minute i wouldnt drop my problems to take care of my friends. i will take care of them to the very end there in nothing i wouldnt do for a friend of mine. unless it is harmful to them. haruka my lovely (lol) do not ever feel you cannot come to me your my girl one of the constants in my life so anything and i mean ANYTHING i can ever do to help you need only ask and it's done. i want you to tell me everything because thats what i am here for. your my evil twin the sister i wish i had so i am always here. kristina even tho u probably wont read this i heart you babe. you get on my nerves like crazy but your my girl lol i'll see you in the a.m.
i have been having my break downs yet again where i feel so helpless and lost i cant seem to find my way out again. i feel like i am drowning lost in an endless pool of suffering and sadness i cant seem to fight my way to the surface. i talked to justin and he listend but i dont think he quite knows how to help... i don't think anyone really can... i think there is no help for me. alot of my old problems or insecurities i had pushed out of my mind have come back my eating disorder never really left but merely changed form. i cant stay away from food. i go on these binges and cant seem to stop no matter how much i want to. i look at myself and i know i am not fat by any means but i "feel" fat idk how else to explain it my stomach irritates me so badly that occasionally i look at it and begin to cry but i stopped saying anything cuz people kept yelling at me -.- doesnt matter tho. proms comming up soon enough and idk if i realy wanna go or not... i dont like many people going and i hate dresses but i already bought a dress for 228.00 :gonk: and i told haruka i'd get her in cuz everyone here misses her. but honestly i am not in the mood for a prom. damn it my cd is skipping brb
ok anywhoo i am refusing to go back to my thereapist... turns out he's the same guy who is "counsiling" the little batsard who molested my little girl ( moms friends daughter practically like my little sister i DO NOT have a child )) this guys not a real thereapist and i refuse to see him. i partially blame him for what happened to her she's 4 yeard old now but she was 3 when this happened. she's my world. she's like my little sister i am protective of her and love her endlessly. when she was violated my world crashed completely. i didnt think i could sink that low. summer just started and i was feeling ok but when we got that phone call i was sick to my stomach totally in shock. i remember going outside when my mom went to their house she told me to stay home... i went out in the drive way and heard screaming only to find i was the one screaming through my downflow of tears i litterally fell to my knees clutching my stomach bending over my knees and screaming and crying so hard my face hurt...i couldnt breath my heart felt as though it had shattered into a million tiny fragments that could not be put back together again. I litterally passed out on the side of the road when i took a dazed walk i was that upset. to this day i still cry about it because this child is everything to me alot of people tell me i will make a great mother because of my love for kids so many people have mistaken me for this perfect little girls mother. it's fnny really it is but she's just a great girl she's really smart and aware of the world around her. and to think for one moment that girls happyness was ruined makes me so angry it's beyond words. she truely is my heart and soul the joy this child has brought into my life is just amazing even trough all of my problems she is my ball of sunshine but enough about my baby girl
i was looking in my old journal and found posts i made day before my cousin killed himself and the day following it's amazing how my mood changed. the day before i found out i had a great night hung out with friends till 11pm it was great we went crazy that night hopping all over town as a mass group... it was fun but then i went to bed and when i woke up i got the news my cousin had killed himself and it broke my heart all over again after my little girl i didnt think it could break anymore or that i could fall any deeper into a depression so bad it seemed there was no way out for me... but apparently i was wrong and i did fall all over again... the post i made the day after i found out went as follows... keep in mind i was extremely upset and balling ym eyes out ontop of getting ready to scream out of anger and saddness...
"Sunday, September 5th, 2004
2:27 am deeply depressed
i cant do this at all on sat i found out my cousin joey committed suicide... he threw himself infront of a bus on wed and died instantly they couldnt even identify his body untill friday because he had no identi fication on him i've known joey for a very long time since i was a little kid about 6 years old i beleive and i remember him giving us airplane rides we'd laugh when he picked us up and now i find out he kills himself and i feel like my world has just crashed i havent seen him in a long long time but i still loved him i feel like i am ripping apart at the seams my head hurts i am havign sharp pains in my sides my eyes burn i'm cryimg every other minute my knees keep giving out so i fall to the floor and just cry my mind is going a mile a minute i cant stand this but i'll do what i normally do and put on a happy face and suck it up so everyone else will stop worrying and just be happy if i dont then i get snappy and people get mad and i cant deal with that another thing i cant deal with is people treating me like i am fragile watching what they say around me n shit i can and will take care of myself thats what i have always done and i will continue doing noone has ever seen me break and i wont let then not anyone because that is how i have always done it ever since i was little i hav taken care of myself and everyone around me everyone wonders why i am such a bitch all the time well guess what it's because it's what i had to do to protect myself i fight hard sometimes i fight hard when i dont need to but i cant help it it's how i protet myself people say they are there to protect me and always have thats bull shit where the hell was everyone when frog was stalking me or when herson was sexually harrasing me for over a year and a half you wonder why i fight back so hard when people get a little rough theres your damn reasons right fucking there i've learned from birth i had to protect myself distance myself from getting attached to other especially guys guess who i have to see at joey's funeral..thats right my ex step dad jim... ever wonder why i freak out when someone grabs my upper arms well tht'd be thanks to jim when i was little he litterally picked me up and threw me into my bedroom not gently wither it bruised my arms and i dont bruise easly at all ever since then i ful out freak when i get grabbed like that i get too see the bastard who officially made me extremely cautiouse with guys do u have any idea what it's like growing up thinking men could not be trusted thinking that the man u thought was supposed to love you didnt he was supposed to be my step dad my real dad obviously didnt love me and neither did jim i have so many issues i cant even break the walls down that i put up and that scared the shit out of me and now i dont even care anymore i am sick and fucking tired of caring i'm done if someone has a problem with me then tough fucking shit if i dont do something soon like get back into counsling or get my meds back i am honestly gonna lose it i'm gonna not talk to noone not want to be around people stop eatign again wich i have fought so hard to not go back into my eating then excercising again but when i got that depressed before it was the only thing i had controll over i couldnt controll the situations or my own damn emotions how fucking weak is that w/e i'm so messed up idk wtf i am feeling now so i'm gonna go to bed now"
that was extremely upsetting to me not to menchin the next post i made...
" Wednesday, September 8th, 2004
11:32 pm :sigh: i want my depression meds back
i am gonna talk to my mom soon i mean a real talk i need my depression meds back asap i cant take it any longer i'm still in shock i cant stop crying and i just wish he had gotten help i went to the after the service thingy at jims house on tuesday jim didnt even know who the fuck i was he thought i was my moms friend what a bastard glad to know he can recognize the person who was once his daughter anyways i broke down and completely lost it during the funeral i couldnt take it even now i'm becoing completely depressed my happy world shattered i should have fucking expected it every damn time it gets finally good for me it gets taken away or completely falls down over my head i was stupid to think i was allowed the chance to be happy i'm on my own and always will be and i think i can finally learn to accept that... goddess wat the fuck was i thinking me happy please..i'm asking my mom for my meds back tommorrow it's not gonna fucking hurt her to fucking set up an appointment with my old psycoligist she doesnt pay a damn thing for it or the perscription for my depression meds and i can walk there since it's close to hoime so she shouldnt object at all she telld me i dont need it every time i bring it up "it's just teenage emotions" she says well she isnt me and she doent know what i am going through so it wont kill her to do very little work i mean come on i am going to her for help and she is trying to deney me the right to have a normal life as hard as i am trying i'm slipping into old habits eating especially i have eaten about 1/2 a bowl of tomotoe soup and a few bites of a bannana since friday i've been too upset to eat and when i do i get full fast i was fucking full after a few bites of a banana i'm just trying not to be as bad as it was this summer my depression was too much for me to handle i cant tell you hopw many times i wish i'd just go to bed and never wake up i broke down crying for hours a day i didnt feel like being around friends nd became more of an all around bitch than i already was but w/e i need to go to bed if i can sleep at all...
i had a picture of him taken 12 days before he did it and he looked happy he was smiling and what did i do... i lost the pic
i have been having my break downs yet again where i feel so helpless and lost i cant seem to find my way out again. i feel like i am drowning lost in an endless pool of suffering and sadness i cant seem to fight my way to the surface. i talked to justin and he listend but i dont think he quite knows how to help... i don't think anyone really can... i think there is no help for me. alot of my old problems or insecurities i had pushed out of my mind have come back my eating disorder never really left but merely changed form. i cant stay away from food. i go on these binges and cant seem to stop no matter how much i want to. i look at myself and i know i am not fat by any means but i "feel" fat idk how else to explain it my stomach irritates me so badly that occasionally i look at it and begin to cry but i stopped saying anything cuz people kept yelling at me -.- doesnt matter tho. proms comming up soon enough and idk if i realy wanna go or not... i dont like many people going and i hate dresses but i already bought a dress for 228.00 :gonk: and i told haruka i'd get her in cuz everyone here misses her. but honestly i am not in the mood for a prom. damn it my cd is skipping brb
ok anywhoo i am refusing to go back to my thereapist... turns out he's the same guy who is "counsiling" the little batsard who molested my little girl ( moms friends daughter practically like my little sister i DO NOT have a child )) this guys not a real thereapist and i refuse to see him. i partially blame him for what happened to her she's 4 yeard old now but she was 3 when this happened. she's my world. she's like my little sister i am protective of her and love her endlessly. when she was violated my world crashed completely. i didnt think i could sink that low. summer just started and i was feeling ok but when we got that phone call i was sick to my stomach totally in shock. i remember going outside when my mom went to their house she told me to stay home... i went out in the drive way and heard screaming only to find i was the one screaming through my downflow of tears i litterally fell to my knees clutching my stomach bending over my knees and screaming and crying so hard my face hurt...i couldnt breath my heart felt as though it had shattered into a million tiny fragments that could not be put back together again. I litterally passed out on the side of the road when i took a dazed walk i was that upset. to this day i still cry about it because this child is everything to me alot of people tell me i will make a great mother because of my love for kids so many people have mistaken me for this perfect little girls mother. it's fnny really it is but she's just a great girl she's really smart and aware of the world around her. and to think for one moment that girls happyness was ruined makes me so angry it's beyond words. she truely is my heart and soul the joy this child has brought into my life is just amazing even trough all of my problems she is my ball of sunshine but enough about my baby girl
i was looking in my old journal and found posts i made day before my cousin killed himself and the day following it's amazing how my mood changed. the day before i found out i had a great night hung out with friends till 11pm it was great we went crazy that night hopping all over town as a mass group... it was fun but then i went to bed and when i woke up i got the news my cousin had killed himself and it broke my heart all over again after my little girl i didnt think it could break anymore or that i could fall any deeper into a depression so bad it seemed there was no way out for me... but apparently i was wrong and i did fall all over again... the post i made the day after i found out went as follows... keep in mind i was extremely upset and balling ym eyes out ontop of getting ready to scream out of anger and saddness...
"Sunday, September 5th, 2004
2:27 am deeply depressed
i cant do this at all on sat i found out my cousin joey committed suicide... he threw himself infront of a bus on wed and died instantly they couldnt even identify his body untill friday because he had no identi fication on him i've known joey for a very long time since i was a little kid about 6 years old i beleive and i remember him giving us airplane rides we'd laugh when he picked us up and now i find out he kills himself and i feel like my world has just crashed i havent seen him in a long long time but i still loved him i feel like i am ripping apart at the seams my head hurts i am havign sharp pains in my sides my eyes burn i'm cryimg every other minute my knees keep giving out so i fall to the floor and just cry my mind is going a mile a minute i cant stand this but i'll do what i normally do and put on a happy face and suck it up so everyone else will stop worrying and just be happy if i dont then i get snappy and people get mad and i cant deal with that another thing i cant deal with is people treating me like i am fragile watching what they say around me n shit i can and will take care of myself thats what i have always done and i will continue doing noone has ever seen me break and i wont let then not anyone because that is how i have always done it ever since i was little i hav taken care of myself and everyone around me everyone wonders why i am such a bitch all the time well guess what it's because it's what i had to do to protect myself i fight hard sometimes i fight hard when i dont need to but i cant help it it's how i protet myself people say they are there to protect me and always have thats bull shit where the hell was everyone when frog was stalking me or when herson was sexually harrasing me for over a year and a half you wonder why i fight back so hard when people get a little rough theres your damn reasons right fucking there i've learned from birth i had to protect myself distance myself from getting attached to other especially guys guess who i have to see at joey's funeral..thats right my ex step dad jim... ever wonder why i freak out when someone grabs my upper arms well tht'd be thanks to jim when i was little he litterally picked me up and threw me into my bedroom not gently wither it bruised my arms and i dont bruise easly at all ever since then i ful out freak when i get grabbed like that i get too see the bastard who officially made me extremely cautiouse with guys do u have any idea what it's like growing up thinking men could not be trusted thinking that the man u thought was supposed to love you didnt he was supposed to be my step dad my real dad obviously didnt love me and neither did jim i have so many issues i cant even break the walls down that i put up and that scared the shit out of me and now i dont even care anymore i am sick and fucking tired of caring i'm done if someone has a problem with me then tough fucking shit if i dont do something soon like get back into counsling or get my meds back i am honestly gonna lose it i'm gonna not talk to noone not want to be around people stop eatign again wich i have fought so hard to not go back into my eating then excercising again but when i got that depressed before it was the only thing i had controll over i couldnt controll the situations or my own damn emotions how fucking weak is that w/e i'm so messed up idk wtf i am feeling now so i'm gonna go to bed now"
that was extremely upsetting to me not to menchin the next post i made...
" Wednesday, September 8th, 2004
11:32 pm :sigh: i want my depression meds back
i am gonna talk to my mom soon i mean a real talk i need my depression meds back asap i cant take it any longer i'm still in shock i cant stop crying and i just wish he had gotten help i went to the after the service thingy at jims house on tuesday jim didnt even know who the fuck i was he thought i was my moms friend what a bastard glad to know he can recognize the person who was once his daughter anyways i broke down and completely lost it during the funeral i couldnt take it even now i'm becoing completely depressed my happy world shattered i should have fucking expected it every damn time it gets finally good for me it gets taken away or completely falls down over my head i was stupid to think i was allowed the chance to be happy i'm on my own and always will be and i think i can finally learn to accept that... goddess wat the fuck was i thinking me happy please..i'm asking my mom for my meds back tommorrow it's not gonna fucking hurt her to fucking set up an appointment with my old psycoligist she doesnt pay a damn thing for it or the perscription for my depression meds and i can walk there since it's close to hoime so she shouldnt object at all she telld me i dont need it every time i bring it up "it's just teenage emotions" she says well she isnt me and she doent know what i am going through so it wont kill her to do very little work i mean come on i am going to her for help and she is trying to deney me the right to have a normal life as hard as i am trying i'm slipping into old habits eating especially i have eaten about 1/2 a bowl of tomotoe soup and a few bites of a bannana since friday i've been too upset to eat and when i do i get full fast i was fucking full after a few bites of a banana i'm just trying not to be as bad as it was this summer my depression was too much for me to handle i cant tell you hopw many times i wish i'd just go to bed and never wake up i broke down crying for hours a day i didnt feel like being around friends nd became more of an all around bitch than i already was but w/e i need to go to bed if i can sleep at all...
i had a picture of him taken 12 days before he did it and he looked happy he was smiling and what did i do... i lost the pic