My Favourite Toy 8
Junsu had a favourite toy.
It was red, tiny and shiny. With a sharp silver blade that was ready to nick and prick your skin if you dared to touch it.
CHAPTER 8
It was funny that he loved snow so much because of its whiteness… but he hated hospital because of the same reason.
Junsu blinked his eyes several times to adjust his eyes with the lightning in his room. His body ached and his head throbbed. Well, his wrist too… but that was different kind of ache… it was a pleasant ache.
Glancing at the man sleeping beside him , he felt a pang of guilt when he saw the fatigue lining the man’s feature. Had he worried him so much? Had he disrupted his time with Jaejoong-sshi? Ah, he knew that he shouldn’t have fallen asleep on the snow… it just… seemed like a good thing to do at that time.
Well, Junsu decided. He shouldn’t keep Yoochun worried any longer. Now that he was already awake, Yoochun could finally go and meet Jaejoong again. He wondered whether his apology for being so egoistic and keeping Yoochun all for himself would be accepted.
Reaching with his good hand (the one which was bandaged on the palm, which reminded him that he had also cut himself there when he was looking for the razor), he gently shook Yoochun awake. And he watched with a smile when Yoochun sluggishly woke up from his slumber, shaking his head a few times to clear his head.
He certainly didn’t expect Yoochun to jump and hug him tightly as soon as he was coherent. The other man’s eyes practically widened when he took in the sight of conscious Junsu, and he didn’t restrain his impulsive reaction to pull the other man into his embrace.
“Ah Chunnie!” The slight exclamation from Junsu immediately made Yoochun pull his arms away, afraid of hurting the other man. To his surprise, Junsu was looking at him with a smile…
“Junsu, are you okay?” he fussed worriedly
Junsu’s heart warmed at the sound of the concern in the other man’s voice, but shook the ray of hope that threatened to blossom in his heart. Yoochun was not his anymore… he should not be feeling this way.
“I’m really okay, Chunnie…” The smile that Yoochun hated so much appeared on his face again… that bland pleasant smile which Junsu used to mask all of his feelings. “I,I’m really sorry that I made you worried…” He looked around with the smile still on his face. “Is Jaejoong-sshi around? You shouldn’t have made him wait here, you know… I’m really okay. Won’t he be mad that you are staying here with me?”
Yoochun was… speechless. He wondered if Junsu had actually become a shell like this because of what he had done to him… the hurt he had caused the other man, the betrayal that he had inflicted to his own innocent husband.
The sight of the bandaged wrist triggered the wave of guilt he had accumulated over the past 2 days that Junsu was unconscious. He might not know whether he was the one who created this… detached, empty Junsu. But he knew that he was the one that put those scars on that skin…
He grasped the injured hand tenderly, lifting it up to his eye level and he stared at Junsu with a deep gaze.
“Junsu-yah… tell me… why are you doing this?...” His voice couldn’t be helped but to crack at the end of his sentence. “ Why are you… hurting yourself like this? Is it because of me? Why can’t you hurt me instead? I… I cheated on you, I lied to you… you have done nothing wrong to me but I just keep abandoning you…”
Junsu still stared at him with the same gentle smiling face. He calmly retracted his hand from Yoochun’s grip and waited until Yoochun calmed himself down and was able to look at him again.
“Why should I hurt you? You did nothing wrong Chunnie-yah. You chose the right thing to love Jaejoong-sshi. He’s gorgeous, he’s smart, he’s independent, lively… I never blame you for loving him… he would make you happy!”
The slightly older man felt that each word that Junsu said slammed against his heart, shattering it into pieces. He could still remember clearly that those were the exact same words he had told himself numerous times before… That Jaejoong was gorgeous… smart, independent, lively… everything else that Junsu wasn’t…. and he was the one to make him happy…
And Junsu knew it.
And instead of blaming him, he blamed himself for not being that person. So he left Yoochun to be happy with Jaejoong.
‘How can he even think of blaming himself and forgiving me? Even I know that I’m not worth forgiving…’ Yoochun thought hysterically.
He took a deep breath to settle himself before grasping the covered wrist again. “Okay…okay… so, you’re not blaming me… for, for my… affair. So… why… why this? Why trying to kill yourself like this?!” He tried to make his voice soothing and gentle, he really did. But he just couldn’t help the frustration from leaking out by the end of his sentence.
That was when he knew that something was really wrong with Junsu. No normal man would tilt his head while answering his question innocently with a level tone, like nothing was unusual with what he had done.
“Chunnie, what are you saying? I’m not trying to kill myself! I can’t do that!” He looked horrified at the accusation. “I don’t deserve to die so easily… I still have to do a lot of thing to make it up to Junho. This…” He lifted his hand and showed the bandage to Yoochun. “Was just something that I do… because…” He fell silent for a moment before continuing with a quieter tone. “… just because, I guess…”
Like I can tell him that this is the only thing that saves me from myself.
“A…anyway… you really shouldn’t worry about this… It’s… these wounds were not there because of you,” Junsu tried to show his smile again.
Not that Yoochun even listened to what he said after the first sentence was uttered. And he refused to see the smile which only served to make him sick in the stomach. But one thing was stuck in his head…
’Junho? Who the hell is Junho? …Is it that Junho..?’
When he finally realized who was the ‘Junho’ his husband mentioned, the weight of the guilt he carried seemed to double in an instant.
5 years together with Junsu and only now he knew the problem that had been haunting his husband’s mind.
Only after he found him near death that he noticed the suicidal habit his husband sported.
What kind of husband was he?
~:~:~~:~:~:~:~:
A/N This update is because:
1. Coz I told tadpole_lurve so
2. Coz I told my dear RL friend VIVI so (and can u please register in LJ alreadyyyyyy!!!! hahhaaha)
3. Coz I feel like it
4. Coz tomorrow I will be busy like hell finishing my assignment and train for cheerleading
5. And bcoz I got 2 new readers in the prev chapter! *throws confetti!!*
So enjoy the early update people! (and oh... can someone help to tell me how to post my fic in winglin? Do u think it will be worth it to create an account in Winglin? hehehehe)
It was red, tiny and shiny. With a sharp silver blade that was ready to nick and prick your skin if you dared to touch it.
CHAPTER 8
It was funny that he loved snow so much because of its whiteness… but he hated hospital because of the same reason.
Junsu blinked his eyes several times to adjust his eyes with the lightning in his room. His body ached and his head throbbed. Well, his wrist too… but that was different kind of ache… it was a pleasant ache.
Glancing at the man sleeping beside him , he felt a pang of guilt when he saw the fatigue lining the man’s feature. Had he worried him so much? Had he disrupted his time with Jaejoong-sshi? Ah, he knew that he shouldn’t have fallen asleep on the snow… it just… seemed like a good thing to do at that time.
Well, Junsu decided. He shouldn’t keep Yoochun worried any longer. Now that he was already awake, Yoochun could finally go and meet Jaejoong again. He wondered whether his apology for being so egoistic and keeping Yoochun all for himself would be accepted.
Reaching with his good hand (the one which was bandaged on the palm, which reminded him that he had also cut himself there when he was looking for the razor), he gently shook Yoochun awake. And he watched with a smile when Yoochun sluggishly woke up from his slumber, shaking his head a few times to clear his head.
He certainly didn’t expect Yoochun to jump and hug him tightly as soon as he was coherent. The other man’s eyes practically widened when he took in the sight of conscious Junsu, and he didn’t restrain his impulsive reaction to pull the other man into his embrace.
“Ah Chunnie!” The slight exclamation from Junsu immediately made Yoochun pull his arms away, afraid of hurting the other man. To his surprise, Junsu was looking at him with a smile…
“Junsu, are you okay?” he fussed worriedly
Junsu’s heart warmed at the sound of the concern in the other man’s voice, but shook the ray of hope that threatened to blossom in his heart. Yoochun was not his anymore… he should not be feeling this way.
“I’m really okay, Chunnie…” The smile that Yoochun hated so much appeared on his face again… that bland pleasant smile which Junsu used to mask all of his feelings. “I,I’m really sorry that I made you worried…” He looked around with the smile still on his face. “Is Jaejoong-sshi around? You shouldn’t have made him wait here, you know… I’m really okay. Won’t he be mad that you are staying here with me?”
Yoochun was… speechless. He wondered if Junsu had actually become a shell like this because of what he had done to him… the hurt he had caused the other man, the betrayal that he had inflicted to his own innocent husband.
The sight of the bandaged wrist triggered the wave of guilt he had accumulated over the past 2 days that Junsu was unconscious. He might not know whether he was the one who created this… detached, empty Junsu. But he knew that he was the one that put those scars on that skin…
He grasped the injured hand tenderly, lifting it up to his eye level and he stared at Junsu with a deep gaze.
“Junsu-yah… tell me… why are you doing this?...” His voice couldn’t be helped but to crack at the end of his sentence. “ Why are you… hurting yourself like this? Is it because of me? Why can’t you hurt me instead? I… I cheated on you, I lied to you… you have done nothing wrong to me but I just keep abandoning you…”
Junsu still stared at him with the same gentle smiling face. He calmly retracted his hand from Yoochun’s grip and waited until Yoochun calmed himself down and was able to look at him again.
“Why should I hurt you? You did nothing wrong Chunnie-yah. You chose the right thing to love Jaejoong-sshi. He’s gorgeous, he’s smart, he’s independent, lively… I never blame you for loving him… he would make you happy!”
The slightly older man felt that each word that Junsu said slammed against his heart, shattering it into pieces. He could still remember clearly that those were the exact same words he had told himself numerous times before… That Jaejoong was gorgeous… smart, independent, lively… everything else that Junsu wasn’t…. and he was the one to make him happy…
And Junsu knew it.
And instead of blaming him, he blamed himself for not being that person. So he left Yoochun to be happy with Jaejoong.
‘How can he even think of blaming himself and forgiving me? Even I know that I’m not worth forgiving…’ Yoochun thought hysterically.
He took a deep breath to settle himself before grasping the covered wrist again. “Okay…okay… so, you’re not blaming me… for, for my… affair. So… why… why this? Why trying to kill yourself like this?!” He tried to make his voice soothing and gentle, he really did. But he just couldn’t help the frustration from leaking out by the end of his sentence.
That was when he knew that something was really wrong with Junsu. No normal man would tilt his head while answering his question innocently with a level tone, like nothing was unusual with what he had done.
“Chunnie, what are you saying? I’m not trying to kill myself! I can’t do that!” He looked horrified at the accusation. “I don’t deserve to die so easily… I still have to do a lot of thing to make it up to Junho. This…” He lifted his hand and showed the bandage to Yoochun. “Was just something that I do… because…” He fell silent for a moment before continuing with a quieter tone. “… just because, I guess…”
Like I can tell him that this is the only thing that saves me from myself.
“A…anyway… you really shouldn’t worry about this… It’s… these wounds were not there because of you,” Junsu tried to show his smile again.
Not that Yoochun even listened to what he said after the first sentence was uttered. And he refused to see the smile which only served to make him sick in the stomach. But one thing was stuck in his head…
’Junho? Who the hell is Junho? …Is it that Junho..?’
When he finally realized who was the ‘Junho’ his husband mentioned, the weight of the guilt he carried seemed to double in an instant.
5 years together with Junsu and only now he knew the problem that had been haunting his husband’s mind.
Only after he found him near death that he noticed the suicidal habit his husband sported.
What kind of husband was he?
~:~:~~:~:~:~:~:
A/N This update is because:
1. Coz I told tadpole_lurve so
2. Coz I told my dear RL friend VIVI so (and can u please register in LJ alreadyyyyyy!!!! hahhaaha)
3. Coz I feel like it
4. Coz tomorrow I will be busy like hell finishing my assignment and train for cheerleading
5. And bcoz I got 2 new readers in the prev chapter! *throws confetti!!*
So enjoy the early update people! (and oh... can someone help to tell me how to post my fic in winglin? Do u think it will be worth it to create an account in Winglin? hehehehe)